"Seven S" Why We Don't Live

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Most people spend more than half of their lives making the other half unhappy.

J. La Bruyere

“Some die at twenty-five, but they are simply not buried until they are seventy.”

Often a person makes a strange, at first glance, recognition for himself - that he does not live. Continuing to drink, eat, communicate, shop, travel, he comes to the conclusion that he does not feel joy, that he is trying to fill some inner emptiness with all this activity …

At the same time, quantity does not in any way translate into quality, raising the bar of goals is only exhausting and, having achieved the desired, a person brushes off labor sweat, and does not receive satisfaction.

This article briefly examines the main areas of problems that lead to the emergence of this inner void, which, like the black hole or the Dementors from Harry Potter, sucks life out of us and does not allow us to rejoice. It just so happened that they all begin with the letter "C".

"C" # 1: FEARS

There are two types of motivation: "from" and "to". In the first case, we are motivated because we run away from everything undesirable in life. First of all, these are our fears.

Napoleon Hill, in his famous work Think and Grow Rich, spoke about six main types of fear: fear of criticism, poverty, loss of love, illness, old age and death.

In any case, fear is a negative motivator and is always associated with a state of discomfort, resistance, struggle. While it is there, we spend a lot of strength and vitality to maintain it. In the end, it becomes fixed in the form of habits, and we get so used to living in fear that we cannot imagine our life without it.

Letting go of fear is a necessary step if we want to move from existence to life. It is impossible to rejoice if you carry a bag of fifty kilograms on your shoulders all the time. Even if you are so used to it that you do not notice this burden …

"C" No. 2: DEPENDENCE

A full life is impossible without an emotional component. To live and not feel emotions, being as if behind a thick glass, often leads to the search for objects that can fill this inner void.

Outwardly, it looks like we are clinging to something or someone: food, alcohol, sex, online games, old relationships … We create the illusion of a life in which we can enjoy and feel calm and comfortable.

Perhaps one of the best explanations for this process is Leontief's law of displacement from a true motive to an intermediate goal. For example, we had a motive to “relieve stress,” and we chose alcohol as a means of achieving what we wanted. However, carried away by the process, we forgot the original motive and found ourselves, to put it mildly, not quite at the desired point.

A similar mechanism underlies food, play and even love addiction. Chasing the mirage, we played a little, thinking that at any moment we could stop, but imperceptibly became prisoners of the process of achievement, which became a new goal for us.

The presence of another person's attachments in this network translates addiction into dependence, which only strengthens the resulting complex system of relationships. The latter takes away from a person, if not everything, then most of his strength, emotions and time, not allowing him to live in peace and rejoice.

"C" No. 3: SCENARIOS

This point occupies a special place among all other reasons, since, on the one hand, it is practically intangible, and on the other hand, it has almost the most significant impact on the question of why we do not live.

A life scenario is a set of internal attitudes, rules that answer the question of how to live, how to act and what to strive for in life. All this forms a kind of track along which we unconsciously walk. For example, the most common scenario is called “not yet”.

Until we learn two more languages or receive three diplomas, we cannot claim a better place in life …

Until we reach the level of Abramovich's income, we cannot relax and enjoy life …

The essence of any scenario is its conditionality. For some reason we have to fulfill some conditions, sometimes completely unrealistic. Often the situation develops as in a fairy tale, where a priest hired a worker: "You wash the hut, clean the yard, milk the cows, let go of the cattle, clean up the barn and - sleep, rest!"

And sometimes these conditions are not enough, and we, like Sisyphus, having rolled a stone on a mountain, start the process anew. By the way, this is another version of the life scenario called "almost."

Scenario conditioning is somewhat reminiscent of the previous point about codependencies, since we are forced to walk in a vicious circle, remaining tied to that life track, along which there is absolutely no desire to move on.

"C" No. 4: SELF-ASSESSMENT

Self-esteem is an internal image of oneself, which has both form and content. Surprisingly, this image has nothing to do with willpower and is formed solely on how we relate to ourselves.

After all, there are people who consistently evoke positive feelings in us and literally attract us with their strength, positive, inner light. If we ourselves are not among these lucky ones, then we can talk about problems with self-esteem.

Maxwell Moltz, being a plastic surgeon, discovered a strange effect, which he later described in his book "Psychocybernetics". Some people who underwent plastic surgery were still unhappy with themselves, even after their face was exactly what they wanted. M. Moltz explains this by the fact that the change in the physical parameters of the body did not lead to changes in the internal image of oneself.

We cannot begin to live until we allow ourselves to do it. The key here is adequate self-esteem, based on expressions of acceptance, appreciation, gratitude and love for oneself.

"C" No. 5: FAMILY

The family determines those people who are most important to us in life. The relationship with them is the foundation for everything else.

Family problems, or lack thereof, are often really like cracks in the foundations of the home of our lives. Leaving them unattended, we continue to build a building that may begin to sway. If we continue to close our eyes to this, then at any moment the structures may collapse, no matter how correct and perfect they may seem to us.

Mutual resentment, understatement, anger in relationships inflict serious psychological trauma on us, feeding our pain-body and displacing Love from life.

Often, such problems in relationships arise literally before our eyes, rapidly changing our lives. This is often a consequence of the fact that we perceive family and relationships as something static, like, for example, a photograph of many years ago, when everything was fine.

However, the family is like a living organism that is constantly evolving and requires an investment of energy, time and, of course, Love. If people in our immediate environment are unhappy, and we do not notice this, do not try or cannot help them, we will not begin to live and rejoice ourselves.

"C" No. 6: SELF-REALIZATION

Each of us strives for self-expression in one way or another. If the task of "finding your place in the sun" seems impossible, it indicates that there are obstacles that interfere with the process of self-expression. Often these are the "S" that we talked about, especially from the first "three". Fears, codependencies and scenario conditioning keep a person in a tight grip, where he often forgets that he has his own, and not someone else's, desires and values.

The problem with self-realization often suggests that a person does not live his own life, seeks to listen to someone's authoritative opinion, to do everything “right”. This certainly helps to adapt in society, gain recognition and approval. But over time, the understanding comes that running in a squirrel wheel does not in any way bring you closer to a truly happy life.

Self-realization is associated with the manifestation of the deepest human values. In Maslow's pyramid of needs, it corresponds to its "top", where the need for self-actualization is located. But at such a high level, "deception" is impossible, it is impossible to convince yourself that this or that business is yours, if you feel a protest internally or the same emptiness …

"C" No. 7: MEANING

The last point of the problems that prevent us from living is connected with meaning, more precisely, with the feeling of its absence.

Often the loss of meaning occurs as a result of the action of problems with the previous "C", which we discussed above, and is a kind of indicator. Despite the fact that this feeling seems vague and sometimes all-encompassing, it has a very specific reason.

The key point here is the loss of connection with the most important person in our life, that is, with ourselves.

We often perceive treason and betrayal in front of someone as a crime, only if it does not concern ourselves. To betray yourself, to go against your values does not seem to be out of the ordinary.

We will endure … We will survive … Not this time …

Too thin and invisible line beyond which we begin to lose touch with ourselves. Losing yourself. Feeling meaning is not new or incredibly complex that requires increased comprehension. On the contrary, it is a feeling that is very familiar in itself, simple and understandable. Like a bright moment from childhood. Like a moment of insight. Like returning home …