Lifeguard Motivation

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

When analyzing human behavior in interpersonal relationships, the so-called Karpman triangle, a psychological and social model of interaction, is often mentioned. In the late 60s, this form of interdependence was proposed (in the framework of transactional analysis) by the psychotherapist and student of Eric Berne, Dr. Stephen Karpman. In short, most of us sooner or later find ourselves in the role of the Rescuer, then in the role of the Persecutor, then in the shoes of the Victim - which, according to the author of the theory, "is a melodramatic simplification of real life." The peculiarity of the model is that in the process of interaction we begin to try on each of the three hypostases. And it is almost impossible to get out of the triangle without revising your behavioral pattern (and sometimes without breaking off the relationship). We can run in circles for years, becoming either a grateful Rescuer of an unfortunate victim, or a Victim of unjust persecution, or a righteous Persecutor punishing the guilty - all within the framework of one single couple or family.

For those looking to learn more about the triangle, start with the book Games People Play by Eric Berne. And today I want to talk specifically about the Rescuer, because his role, although it seems noble, in fact is far from unambiguous.

In Karpman's triangle, the Rescuer is far from a knight on a white horse. In fact, he is a hidden (sometimes unconscious) manipulator - one who seems to have the resources to resolve the issue, but there is also a hidden motivation to delay with this as long as possible, remaining in the position "from above". You probably know such people, and perhaps you yourself have been in this role more than once. The question is, where does this desire to save, correct, help and teach? What makes people live in the interests of others, often forgetting about their own? The answer is surprisingly simple - there is always a secondary benefit to rescuers.

The most obvious thing is, of course, a sense of superiority. After all, only a very smart and advanced person with great connections can help in solving your question. And voila, here he is - next to you at the right moment. By saving you, such a person raises his own status and, along the way, repairs self-esteem. It is from this series of statements like "without me everything will be lost."

But excellence is far from the Rescuer's only motivation. Perhaps the strongest stimulus is … fear - the fear of being alone with your needs and desires, the fear of being confronted with misunderstanding of loved ones, the desire to avoid changes and the need to change something in the usual routine. After all, the so-called concern for one's neighbor not only fills the vacuum of lack of demand, but also allows one to ignore one's own problems. You have probably heard more than once: “I have no time to deal with my health, my mom is sick,” or you yourself hid behind phrases like: “I can't go to rest - there’s a blockage at work” or “When I go on dates, I’m all the family is holding on. And, of course, most often there is a subconscious desire not to get rid of the problem, but to continue to develop vigorous activity in the hope of delaying the moment when you will have to return to your own life and face your fears.

Often the Rescuers play the role of virtue in the hope of some kind of reward from the conventional "Universe" on the principle "I am so good - I should be lucky." Or "I lead a righteous life, I help my loved ones, therefore, troubles will bypass me." Sometimes there is also a sense of guilt (often imaginary) - for example, if a person believes that he has become the cause of some kind of tragedy in the past and at any cost is trying to atone for his “sin”.

There are many scenarios, but there is always a common component - it is beneficial for the Rescuer to keep the "Victim" in its original position. All vigorous activity is aimed not so much at a real solution to the problem as at maintaining a dominant position.

What if you find yourself in such a situation and unconsciously take on the role of the Rescuer? Follow simple rules:

- do not help without a request ("oh, let me tell you how it should be")

- do not cultivate a feeling of helplessness in the object of your attention ("my woe, let me do it myself, you still won't succeed")

- helping, to use not only your own resources, but also to use the forces of the object ("I will cook soup, and you will clean your room")

- do not do what you really do not want, obeying a certain "sense of duty" (in other words, do not turn into a "victim", moving from one corner of the Karpman triangle to another).