2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
TOthen one of us is unfamiliar with a woman who is always good in everything. She tries to be nice, nice to everyone. Sometimes this leads to disastrous results. And all because being good for everyone means going against yourself, your desires, stepping on your throat in order to satisfy the interests of others. But if a woman grows up, then one day the end of a good girl comes. She begins to love herself and understand her worth.
Someday this time will come.
When you clearly see: it is safe to be a good girl …
And also - disgusting and sickening.
Yes, so good - who is friendly, sweet, and happy with everything in the world.
And also kind, grateful, optimistic.
Who is an example and a model, and is always ready to help.
A caring mother with children in the foreground.
A wise wife who knows how to please her husband.
We know how to be good: we have been taught this.
But sooner or later the time comes
When it becomes so costly and difficult to wear this look, That I want to howl.
What's the use of caring for others, adjusting, smoothing corners?
What's the use of the fact that I'm on the lookout all the time, I can't relax even by myself?
Even alone with yourself you need to be good - to drive out bad thoughts, to occupy yourself with necessary, useful deeds?
What is the use of this if, by investing all of myself, I receive crumbs in return?
What's the point if my resentment - that I have to constantly force myself - grows and multiplies?
And what good is it if, expecting someone to take care of me, I almost never get what I want?
… This is the law.
If I deny myself my needs, I will wait for someone else to take care of them.
If I do not allow myself to express dissatisfaction, or say "no" to what I do not like, with which I do not agree, then I will wait for a reward for violence against myself.
I will wait for others to do the same.
And I will be angry and indignant - if others do not want to do this.
How dare he be bad when I put so much energy into being good!
It is very difficult to be a good girl….
It is difficult to constantly pretend to be someone else, especially when you no longer have the strength to do so.
It's hard to be nice when you feel like crying.
It is difficult and scary to refuse help - even if you do not want to help at all.
And - oh my god! - not always arouse sympathy for someone's experiences.
But it's a shame to admit it, because sympathy is also right.
Good girls are also very responsible.
They are readily responsible for other people's experiences, and feel guilty in response to accusations.
… “I have never heard words of love from my parents.
I have never heard that they are proud of me.
But they criticized me quite often.
Apparently, that's why I looked sad and rather gloomy …
Mother did not like it, she said: "Nobody wants to be friends with such beeches."
It scared me to horror, I immediately began to smile against my will."
… “My dad knew how to educate with a glance.
He seemed to be saying: "You disappointed me, and you are bad."
For me there was nothing worse, I diligently tried to remove from myself everything that disappointed him, but I could not get his favor”.
… “My mother took care of me very obsessively, and then she also demanded gratitude for her care.
I could not be infinitely grateful for what she was doing, in the end, for herself, and not for me …
Then she took offense, calling me callous, and I felt terribly guilty."
… This is how the image of a good girl appears.
This is an attempt to accommodate the expectations of the parent (or caregiver) - in the hope of getting a drop of acceptance, or at least evading the blame.
The road to one's own desires turns out to be abandoned - all forces are spent on adaptation.
But sooner or later, a protest still arises.
… In your protest, you refuse to be comfortable, predictable.
You try to say no in response to ridiculous expectations, you try to disagree with inappropriate claims.
And then you meet with a monstrous anxiety - the more, the less support you had …
When you want something for yourself, you will be "carried out" to where you were denied this right. Anxiety will remind you: “Danger zone! Fraught with dire consequences! You will be rejected and you will die!"
Then the Inner Tyrant will insert his weighty word: ““Are you out of your mind ?! Come back to the "good girl" immediately! This behavior is unsafe!
For your own good, I will burn you with guilt and shame!"
When you give up the safe but unbearably tight image of a good girl, a lot of anger can build up.
And this is another "inconvenient" part of the process.
Taking out your anger is difficult, especially for a former “good” person.
Anger again excites the Tyrant with his accusation and shame
and the terrified Child with his anxiety.
For the Child still does not believe that he will be accepted in his feelings.
Anger "creeps out" in small things, it scares you with its power and disproportionality of the situation.
"She didn't even want to listen to me,"
“He didn’t ask - what do I feel?”, "They decided everything for me …"
Old grudges flare up with anger energy in new circumstances, and with other people.
Who were not lucky enough to get into an old wound and fall under the arm.
Anger makes its way - where it was previously prohibited.
In those situations and circumstances that reproduce the primary trauma - no-respect, no-recognition, no-support.
In general, this state can be expressed as follows:
“How can they do this to me?
When did I do so much and donate so much?
Why do they not respect me, and do not reckon with me?"
… This is a difficult time when you seem inadequate to yourself because of your excessive reactions, which you can no longer contain, because of the painful balancing act on a razor blade between the intolerable self-betrayal and the horror of abandonment and rejection …
Only accepting yourself, allowing yourself to go through a painful period of anger and agreeing to be “bad,” brings liberation.
Therapy is certainly helpful, but by and large the most important shoulder to lean on is your own shoulder.
Well, along with allowing yourself to be "bad" from time to time, a lot of things will die out as unnecessary.
For example, the expectation of the granting of the right.
The right that we once expected from our parents - that they will still accept us in different feelings and states - in anger, for example, or powerlessness.
But they couldn't …
The pending "permission" remains.
Now, from other people, we will wait for approval for "maladaptive" behavior.
And, of course, we will not wait.
You will have to grant this right to yourself.
However, the word "will have to" is not entirely appropriate here.
I give myself the right to all kinds of feelings and actions!
I have the right to be furious, sad, complain, not sympathize when "not sympathetic", and get out when I want to!
Hooray!
The world will react to this in different ways.
Someone will say: "And you, it turns out, are a radish!"
Someone will say: "Okay, I'll look for help elsewhere."
New experience will bring new sensations:
I can handle someone else's discontent and still be alive!
and further:
What a delightful state it is to be on your side.
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