Why Is The "good Girl" Syndrome Dangerous?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Friendly and modest women who seek to please everyone seem to attract toxic partners and abusive husbands to themselves. What's wrong with them? Psychotherapist Beverly Angel believes that the main reason is that they try too hard to be good, and the roots of this behavior lie in early childhood

Why do we hear so often about cases of violence against women? Mainly because society still turns a blind eye to male cruelty and sometimes leaves it unpunished. The days when men considered their wives and daughters as their property and could do with them as they pleased are long gone, but we still have to deal with similar situations and seek fair punishment for criminals.

Undoubtedly, educational work is yielding considerable results, but statistics show that there are still a terrifying number of women who are subjected to psychological and physical violence.

• According to the American Medical Association, over 4 million women suffer from partner and husband abuse every year.
• Every third woman in the world has been beaten, forced to have sex, or otherwise abused at least once in her life.
• Three quarters of women over 18 years old (76%) who were raped or beaten said that it was done by their former or current husband, roommate or boyfriend.
• According to a survey by the American National Institute of Mental Health, 84% of rape victims knew their perpetrators, and 66% of them even had romantic relationships with them.
• Husbands or lovers committed 29% of the total number of sexual crimes recorded in the United States, and 7, 7% of American women only admitted over time that they had been raped by intimate partners.

The unfortunate truth is that women are not allowed to be good girls. this is dangerous

Violence often gets away with men: obviously, not enough is being done to change that. But there is another reason why women are victims of violence. They try too hard to be good. This makes them easy targets for insults, moral bullying, beatings and sexual abuse. Such women do not know how to stand up for themselves and break off unhealthy or dangerous relationships.

Good girl behavior increases the likelihood of abuse. However, this does not mean that a woman provokes a man into disgusting deeds. This in no way means that she herself is to blame. It only means that a too correct and obedient woman gives a specific signal to men who are prone to manipulation and violence. It goes something like this: "My need to be good (sweet, flexible) is much stronger than my instinct for self-preservation."

The unfortunate truth is that women cannot be good girls. This is dangerous. Yes, we have a responsibility to prosecute and punish men who abuse power, but in the meantime, women continue to suffer. Unfortunately, there are many people in the world (both men and women) who will not fail to play on someone's weakness. From their point of view, kindness and generosity are disadvantages. Of course, not everyone comes across a partner who will mock her psychologically, insult or beat her, but every such woman is at risk.

WHO ARE GOOD GIRLS?

Such a woman cares more about how others treat her than how she treats herself. The feelings of others worry her more than her own. She seeks to earn universal favor and does not take into account her desires.

The dictionary gives out many synonyms for the word "good": caring, pleasant, empathetic, flexible, kind, sweet, sympathetic, amiable, charming. They describe the "good girl" exactly. Many of them try their best to be perceived that way. But in fact, completely different epithets correspond to this image. Such women:

• obedient. They do what they are told. They have learned that doing what is said is easier than arguing.
• passive. They are afraid to stand up for themselves, so they can be easily manipulated and pushed around. They prefer to keep quiet modestly for fear of hurting someone's feelings or for fear of hurting themselves.
• weak-willed. They are so frightened by confrontation that today they say one thing and tomorrow another. In an effort to please everyone, they agree with one person, turn 180 degrees and immediately agree with his opponent.
• hypocritical. They are scared to admit how they feel, so they pretend. They pretend that they like someone who is actually unpleasant. They portray a desire to go somewhere when they really do not want to.

Blaming them for this behavior is as unacceptable as blaming victims of violence for provoking the attack. They behave this way for good reasons, including culture, parenting, and childhood experiences. In addition, there are four main sources of good girl syndrome.

1. Biological predisposition

Women in general are more patient, compassionate and prefer a bad world to a good quarrel. Harvard professor Carol Gilligan concluded that what everyone is accustomed to calling female submissiveness often turns out to be a need to find a solution that would suit everyone: "This is an act of caring, not restrained aggression."

A study by the University of California found that women have a broader behavioral repertoire, in contrast to men, who are limited to two choices: "fight" or "run." The stress response is accompanied by the release of oxytocin, which keeps a woman from reckless actions and makes her think about children, as well as seek support from other women.

2. Social stereotypes formed under the influence of the environment

Girls are supposed to be polite, decent, well-behaved and agreeable. That is, by default, they are made "of sweets and cakes and all kinds of sweets." Unfortunately, in many families and cultures, women are still required to please everyone, be selfless, affectionate, humble, and generally live for others.

In addition, a teenage girl is taught that in order to achieve this ideal, you need to stop being yourself. Soon she really falls silent and hides her feelings. She has a mission: to try to please others, especially members of the opposite sex.

3. Family attitudes that the girl learns

Relatives give us their views on life. In fact, we copy everything: from the model of relationships to understanding the female role in the family. These beliefs form our thinking, behavior and worldview.

There are several typical family situations under the influence of which a “good girl” grows up:

• cruel and oppressive father or older brother,
• spineless mother,
• education in the traditions of misogyny,
• parents who insist that she should be restrained, sympathetic and affectionate.

For example, the false rule that other people's interests should be put above personal interests is usually learned at home. It is formed on the example of a spineless or dependent mother who sacrifices herself for the sake of her family or husband and never takes into account her own needs. Looking at her, the girl quickly learns that a decent woman, wife and mother should forget about herself and live for the good of others.

It happens in another way: a woman receives the same attitude from selfish or narcissistic parents who live for their own pleasure, ignoring the needs of the child. A girl growing up in such conditions begins to think that her well-being depends on whether she is able to satisfy other people's whims.

4. Personal experiences based on their own early experiences

During childhood or adolescence, they often experience emotional, physical or sexual abuse. Parental cruelty and neglect form a distorted outlook and unhealthy tendencies that force a woman to be a "good girl." Ultimately, those who develop this syndrome:

• blaming themselves for everything that goes wrong
• doubt themselves, their knowledge, feelings and impressions,
• blindly believe other people's words, even if the person has failed them more than once,
• naively justify the true motives of someone's actions,
• believe that they are obliged to satisfy other people's desires, even to the detriment of themselves.

But the main factor responsible for the development of the "good girl" syndrome is fear.

WHAT ARE WOMEN AFRAID?

There are many reasons for fears, but most often they are due to the very fact that women are the weaker sex, at least physically. Most men are actually stronger, so it is not surprising that they manage to intimidate women. We may not be aware of this, but there is fear.

Another deterrent is the penis, a man's natural weapon. Most men don't think about it, like most women. However, an erect penis is used to penetrate, inflict pain, and display power. Again, women do not realize that this archaic fear lives in them. Two purely physiological factors influence women's thinking and emotions on a subconscious level. We "know" that our safety is in the hands of men. If we dare to contradict them, they will get angry and can punish us. Although most men do not take advantage of their physical superiority over women, the likelihood of a threat always remains.

The second reason for deep female fears lies in the historical dominance of men. Throughout human history, physical strength has been used to subdue the rebellious and demonstrate power. Men have always been stronger than most women and occupied, with rare exceptions, a dominant position in society. Therefore, women have been attacked and threatened by men for centuries and, accordingly, were forced to fear them.

If you are the same woman who is tired of being a “good girl,” face your fears.

Until recently, domestic violence was not considered out of the ordinary. Remnants of the past are still preserved in some countries, for example, in India and partly in Africa, a woman is not considered a full-fledged person: her father, and then her husband, controls her.

Finally, the third reason for feminine and girlish fears is based on the fact that men continue to harm them by the right of the "master". Despite the tremendous work done to prevent domestic violence and child sexual abuse, these two crimes are still prevalent throughout the world. As in the past, husbands abuse their wives, and the number of child sexual abuse is growing inexorably.

A girl or woman who faces abuse - whether physical, emotional or sexual - is embraced by shame and horror. Many of them are haunted all their lives by the fear of finding themselves in the same situation again. Although it also acts on a subconscious level, the girl is really easiest to rein in by threats to hurt.

These fears are at the root of many, if not all, of the false beliefs that lead to the good girl syndrome. For example, many women hesitate to end a painful relationship, even if they know they must. It is not that they are weak, stupid, or masochistic who enjoy suffering. They are afraid of everything mentioned above. But if a woman manages to understand what scares her, the feeling of shame for her “bad” behavior gradually releases.

If you are the woman who is tired of being a “good girl,” face your fears. It will help you understand yourself, forgive yourself, find hope and want to change.

About the Author: Beverly Angel is a psychotherapist, addiction specialist, author of The Right To Innocence, It's Not Your Fault: Free Your Shame for Childhood Abuse, and many others.