Where Does The Fear Of Communication Come From And How To Stop Being Shy

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

“Yes, he is shy with us. It's okay, it will outgrow. It just needs to be overcome. Parents believe that shyness is inherent only in children, and already in adolescence one should be more relaxed and bolder. Nevertheless, up to 45% of adults admit that it is difficult for them to communicate, and about 7% experience serious problems in this regard, up to and including depression.

Timid and withdrawn people have a hard time: the former are slower to move up the career ladder and more often fail face-to-face interviews, the latter are at risk for alcohol and drug addiction. Lack of communication gives rise to a feeling of dissatisfaction with life, and stupor and psychosomatic pains from fear of entering into a conversation often lead to uncomfortable situations.

School teachers sometimes think that the shy a child is, the harder he learns and the more successful he is in life. Alas, this is not the case

Often times, shyness prevents people from demonstrating their knowledge, for example, participating in a group project or giving an oral answer to a question. This disrupts communication between teacher and student, and sometimes shy children, with equal knowledge, perform even worse than their outgoing peers.

At the first meeting, the intelligence of a shy person is assessed by the interlocutors much lower than the mental abilities of his talkative and sociable "opponent." But there is good news: by the second or third meeting, this opinion can easily change.

Shyness itself is not as bad as its consequences.

Loneliness is considered one of the risk factors for early mortality.

Lack of communication, support and other people's emotions increases your chances of not living to old age by 14%

This is partly due to the hormonal system. Shy people have much higher cortisol levels than outgoing people, and it directly affects sleep quality and blood pressure. The state of blood vessels deteriorates, the adrenal glands are under increased stress, and the expression of genes responsible for anti-inflammatory reactions changes.

So where does shyness come from? Who is to blame - society or biology?

There is no evidence that we are born shy, but nevertheless about 15% of babies have a "depressed temperament" from the first day of life. They have much more acute and prolonged reactions (heart palpitations, long crying, attempts to turn away) to external stimuli: noise, unfamiliar objects and people - in comparison with "brave" newborns (they are also born about 15-20% of the total numbers).

However, this is not shyness yet, but only features of a person's character. Subsequently, such children may well become extroverts and love big companies, but social factors come into play.

Parents sometimes exaggerate the importance of temperament and protect their quiet child from games and communication with peers, thereby fertilizing the soil for the still emerging shoots of shyness

And what does the type of temperament depend on? Of course, first of all, scientists decided to check the heredity factor. Behavioral genetics is a fairly young science, so long-term research is still lacking, however, a link has been found between the forms of the DRD4 gene and the nature of their carrier. This gene encodes a dopamine receptor protein that works in the brain and is partly responsible for sensitivity to the "pleasure hormone".

DRD4 is quite variable - for example, one of its regions can be successfully repeated in the human genome from 2 to 11 times. It turned out that those with a score of 7 are much more inclined to seek adventure and new emotions. Scientists even happily called this form "the genome of adventurism."But short chains, with 2-3 repetitions of the site, seem to be to blame for the anxiety and overly violent reaction of children.

The most common is the four-repetition, which scientists have taken as the norm. Of course, when the studies were published, it seemed that everything had been decided: it was necessary to do an analysis, to more actively socialize the "short-haired" children and bring up the "long-haired" children more strictly. But over time, it turned out that the relationship between genes and character is actually much more complicated.

What if shyness depends on whether you were born on time? What if it is in the last months of pregnancy that the embryo "assimilates" the methods of communication?

A group of Canadian neuroscientists and psychiatrists is investigating the behavior of people who weighed less than 1 kilogram at birth. It turned out that they were more often shy in childhood and adolescence, but by the age of 30 this “roll” is corrected - no differences were observed with the control group (with those who were born with a weight of at least 2.5 kilograms). In addition, children born prematurely were better prepared for conflict situations.

Psychologists believe that shyness and awkwardness appear much later, closer to a year and a half. Professor Bernardo Carducci has been studying shyness and its types for over 30 years.

In his works, he identifies three personality traits that give rise to feelings of embarrassment: low self-esteem, excessive concern for the opinions of others, and excessive reflection

All of them are closely related to a person's self-awareness, and, according to the research of behavioral psychologists, it manifests itself approximately 1, 5 years after birth. It is at this time that children first begin to notice themselves in the mirror and identify the reflection with their personality. Obviously, then, after a year, shyness also arises.

Often, shyness in children is developed by their own parents. And no matter how old the “children” are, 5 or 35, the words and actions of mom and dad can have the same effect. Excessive parental control, protecting your child from conflict situations or from everyday decision-making nullify the possibility of developing communication and responsibility skills. Of course, an adult will more quickly (and better) cope with the difficulties that have arisen, but it is necessary that the child try to do it himself. And it's never too late to offer help.

Another factor that influences self-esteem (and, as a consequence, the “level of shyness”) is the amount of parental love and warmth. Children who are more praised and less likely to criticize experience less anxiety when interacting with other people, and communication does not cause them stress.

By puberty, there are twice as many shy girls than boys (although in childhood there are about the same number of shy boys as girls)

Alas, this does not mean that "male" hormones will make you more sociable. The problem lies in the so far ineradicable stereotypes dictating "correct" behavior. A young lady should be humble and obedient, and the “future protector” is quite the opposite, these are socially encouraged traits. Shyness is a sign of weakness, a man must be a brave conqueror! Shy boys are ridiculed, their behaviors are often exposed, and for "girly" emotions, such as fear or sadness, they may even be punished.

All this leads to the fact that young "macho" begin to masterfully hide their feelings, become withdrawn and less empathic. Moreover, with such a pretense in the blood, the content of cortisol rises - therefore, young men are in a more stressful state every day than their "honest" peers.

Feelings of embarrassment are a complex of closely related emotions, thoughts and behavior.

The emotional part (feelings, as well as the general mood and physical state of a person) includes the psychophysiological reactions with which the body responds to anxiety when we find ourselves in an uncomfortable situation: heart palpitations, dumbfoundedness and numbness (muscle tension), indigestion (including rumbling belly), etc.

The fact is that the brain is a rather influential part of our "I", and if it suddenly regards as a dangerous environment, signals about which are given by the eyes, ears and body, then it all begins

With anxiety, the excitement from the head goes to other levels. Simultaneously with nerve signals, stress hormones are injected into the bloodstream, and the body switches to alert mode. The heartbeat, breathing and our peristalsis increase, which becomes more noticeable and unpleasant: the stomach may ache, a feeling of nausea may appear, and even diarrhea may begin. Everything is to say to the body: "Run and hide!" Alas, the brain doesn't always do the right thing.

The cognitive (or mental) part is the processes taking place in your head, a harmful and grumpy inner voice. Here and low self-esteem ("how stupid I look"), and suspiciousness mixed with self-criticism ("everyone looks at me disapprovingly") - just those features of a person's self-awareness that appear at 1, 5 years. Thoughts can be completely confusing - and again, the point is in the brain: with billions of neural connections, it is not capable of equally working simultaneously with many different processes and stimuli. You are busy thinking about whether you are good enough for this company, and therefore you risk missing a couple of more interesting topics of conversation - and the snowball of your lack of communication will continue to grow.

The behavioral component is expressed in the lack of habitual communication patterns, for example, when a person does not talk with other people in a group, is very worried, avoids eye and tactile contact. This is partly a consequence of the emotional and cognitive processes already discussed. Sooner or later, such a "beech" loses the lightness of social talk and ceases to be the first to start a conversation. Over time, the problem only gets worse: the less often a timid person talks, the more difficult it will be for him further.

But shyness is not a sentence! And of course, caring psychologists have come up with many ways to deal with it

First, you need to determine which component of the three listed is more pronounced in you. You should work with him first of all.

Relaxation techniques can help you overcome emotional instability. Yes, in a noisy crowd it is difficult to find a place where you could lie down and abandon everything, but breathing exercises, banal observation of the rhythm of inhalation and exhalation will calm the heart bursting from the chest and even help overcome the feeling of nausea.

Spit on the people around you, watch your body. You can translate emotional tension into muscle tension: clench your fists tightly, hold, and then release. But you shouldn't grit your teeth - firstly, you need your mouth to speak, and secondly, the prices for dental services will upset you even more.

Difficulties with a lack of communication and its consequences are easier to eliminate. Although you have to work hard. These are mainly training and rehearsals.

The main problem is that a person simply does not have time to quickly and adequately respond to a situation. There is an awkward silence, and the interlocutor may not wait for an answer. There are four guidelines.

1. Learn the art of small talk. Practice starting conversations with strangers in simple situations. Ask the seller in the store where the desired (or maybe not so) product is, find out how much time, from a passer-by, or offer to hold the door to the subway.

It is important to learn how to initiate a conversation, even if it consists of one phrase

It can be difficult at first, but start with a smile and a greeting, and then you’ll be surprised to find that it’s not scary at all.

2. Develop communication skills. Think ahead of what you would like to discuss. Not the weather is one of the most awkward topics of conversation. Ask open-ended questions: while the interlocutor is answering, you will have time to calmly think about what you will say in turn. Prepare several "your" topics and share your knowledge and interesting observations with pleasure.

3. Rehearse. This is corny and strange, but after you prepare a "script" for a conversation with a fictional character, it will be easier for you to have a similar conversation with a real person. Speak your request to the operator of the control room before the call - and then you will not have to be heavily silent into the phone.

4. Help other shy people. Kindness is responded to with kindness: if you see a sad, lonely and clearly shy person, go up to him and try to start a conversation. Perhaps the two of you will be shy a lot more fun.

The hardest part will be for those who are afraid to communicate due to internal conflict. It is not easy to find the reasons for this type of shyness on your own, and in such cases, the help of a specialist is much more often required. Nevertheless, it is still worth trying to help yourself.

For starters, remember: mostly people are interested in themselves, not you. Although it seems that everyone is looking at you appraisingly, in fact, each person first of all looks after himself

Unless, of course, you are a movie or football star. Looks that seem to be directed at you can in fact be thrown at a subway map over your shoulder or at an interesting advertisement.

Don't fix flaws - improve your strengths. You can't make a funny joke, but you talk about your favorite work in such a way that everyone wants to become your colleagues? Delight those around you with stories about interesting working days. Play by your own rules - let others be saved by compliments and anecdotes.

Find a place and a company where you again feel confident, and when you get used to communicating there, slowly step out of your comfort zone.

Remember that no one is perfect, you don't have to be the most sociable, the funniest, or the most charming. Shy people often make the same mistake: they set the bar too high for themselves, and without reaching it, they get upset and criticize themselves for it. Not worth it. Talk to two people in the evening. And if you can talk to three, praise yourself. It will not work - it's okay, next time everything will go as it should.

According to a 2009 study at Indianapolis University, there are only ten major strategies for overcoming shyness, although five are the most popular.

In 65% of cases, people choose “forced extraversion”: respondents began to address strangers more often and started short conversations with them, overcoming their own shyness

The second most popular strategy (26%) is work on one's own self-esteem and inner state. But the next one, which was mentioned only in passing, is broadening one's horizons. It is effective for several reasons at once: a person knows more and, therefore, has more topics to start a conversation and to enter into a discussion; he may feel a sense of some superiority (this is not very good, but sometimes useful), which will allow him to raise his self-esteem a little and push himself to express his opinion; and, in general, it is always interesting to learn something new. This path was chosen by 15% of the respondents.

Another 14% sought professional help, and 12% found their "salvation" in alcohol and drugs. The other five strategies for dealing with shyness were much less common: "other options" (single ways that cannot be assigned to any group) - 9, 5%, "I do not fight in any way" - 8%, "increase in physical activity and sports" - 2.5%, "change in appearance" - 2.5% and another 0.6% found it difficult to give a clear answer.

Don't blame yourself if you are shy and timid, there is nothing wrong with that. But when shyness becomes a serious problem, it's time to get over it. After all, you are probably stronger than your fears, so go out and say hello to your neighbor today! In the worst case, he will not answer, and in the best case, you will celebrate a small personal victory.