How To Help A Loved One Get Through Grief

Table of contents:

Video: How To Help A Loved One Get Through Grief

Video: How To Help A Loved One Get Through Grief
Video: A Grief Casserole -- How to help your friends & family through loss | Kate Schutt | TEDxWestChester 2024, March
How To Help A Loved One Get Through Grief
How To Help A Loved One Get Through Grief
Anonim

Each of us has faced loss or grief at one time or another. This is how our life works. But each person has his own grief. This can be the end of a relationship, the loss of a significant thing, the death of an important person, the death of a pet, a move to another city, the loss of a job or status, a serious illness or loss of a body part, and much more.

Grief is when, in the opinion of a person, he has irrevocably lost something very valuable to him

If this happens, the person is inevitably filled with intense painful feelings. They arise automatically and unconsciously and cannot be controlled. Emotions take over, threatening to destroy common sense. It is not surprising that in the Russian language there are many phrases expressing the danger of grief: "die of grief", "drown in grief", "go crazy with grief."

To protect oneself from these feelings and to experience them intact and safe, the human psyche has invented a wonderful way - grieving. When grieving, the psyche consistently goes through a series of defensive reactions and experiences known as "stages of grief": denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. It is believed that living grief normally lasts about a year.

Undoubtedly, the process of mourning is strongly influenced by the significance for a person of what he has lost, as well as his previous life experience, the amount of support, living conditions, etc.

In fact, the pure mourning stages never occur in life. They usually overlap, get confused, or overtake one another. That is why the process of experiencing grief can fail. In this case, a person can get stuck in one of the stages for many years, constantly struggling with heavy feelings within himself and being deprived of the opportunity to enjoy life.

However, there are still a number of simple guidelines.that will help you navigate and tell you what to do to support your loved one and help him get through grief with the least amount of loss.

  • Don't leave your loved one alone. Grief and loneliness are bad allies.
  • Respect the feelings of the bereaved. Any of his experiences are a consequence of the work of grief, which means that each of them is important and natural.
  • Take care of yourself. Do as much as you can and what you are willing to do. If you feel bad, then you will not help anyone.

  • Don't rush things. The psyche of the grieving person knows best of all how much time it needs for each stage.
  • Never compel grieving for something, everything must be voluntary. Offer strongly, but don't insist.
  • Don't fuss and do not try to shove in unpushable. What helps at one stage will only hinder at another stage.
  • Ask for help. If you are in doubt if you are doing the right thing, or if you are worried that whatever you are doing is not working, then seek advice from a grief counselor / psychotherapist.

Further I offer more detailed descriptions of the stages and recommendations for each of them.

Image
Image

1. STAGE OF DENIAL (SHOCK)

Metaphor: "Nothing has happened"

What it looks like: In the first minutes or hours, a person may react badly to the outside world, to appeals to him, he may behave too calmly, even aloof. He can also talk about a feeling of unreality of what is happening, or as if some distance separates him from the event. The person can then act as if normal, speak as if nothing had happened. He may mention or make plans for the future, including what / what / who no longer exists. The victim can endlessly ask again about what happened. He can also insist and convince others that everything will still turn out well, that the end is not yet, the situation continues, or that someone simply made a mistake or deliberately deceived, but in fact everything is in order (the disease will pass, the person will remain alive, the danger will pass). The victim may experience panic attacks and bodily symptoms, often associated with the heart.

The meaning of the stage: This is a natural and earliest psychic defense - “I will just pretend that what makes me feel bad is not, and then it will not be”. The person does not believe in what happened, actively denies it. What he lost was of great value to him and the realization of this fact can cause many very strong feelings that can break the psyche and radically change life, and this is more than a person can bear now. Therefore, the psyche is protected from this.

Danger stage: Stuck in denial, live like nothing happened. Begin to constantly physically and psychologically run away from this and similar situations. This can lead to the fact that a person's life becomes as if partial.

Purpose of help: So that a person understands, recognizes and realizes that he has experienced a loss / loss.

What to do: During this period, it is beneficial to be close to the person, talk to him about the loss and encourage him to talk about it. If physically possible, it is very important that a person can see and be able to touch the body or grave (if it is the death of a loved one), debris (if it is the destruction of a building or area), photographs or things that remind us of what has been lost (if it is, for example, completion relationship or body). If a person asks again, it is useful to carefully and gently, over and over again, talk about what happened, and also explain that everything is over and nothing will change. At this stage, you need to be patient and gentle, it is useful to give the victim time and place to acknowledge the situation.

What to avoid: Avoid silencing and judging the person when they talk or ask about what happened over and over again. You cannot agree with the victim that everything will still turn out well or that everything is not lost and something can be changed. Avoid scolding or asking the person to pull themselves together. You cannot give advice or suggest any action to cope with grief (at this stage, another task).

Image
Image

2. STAGE OF Anger (ACCUSATION)

Metaphor: "Punish the culprit"

What it looks like: The person begins to feel and show indignation, resentment and anger. He begins to look for those responsible for the tragedy everywhere around (even if there are no guilty ones, as, for example, in a natural disaster), may become suspicious. Can start to blame someone for what happened. May also start to hate anyone who has not experienced the same situation. The victim can try to take revenge, "seek justice" in different ways. If the tragedy is associated with the death of a loved one, the person may be angry and blame the deceased. The victim may experience various bodily symptoms or panic attacks.

The meaning of the stage: The understanding of the fact of the tragedy has come. But the value remains the same and the reluctance to lose is just as strong. The victim actively disagrees with this reality. The later, and therefore directed outwardly, towards actions, mental protection - anger, comes to the fore. In simpler terms, such an experience can be expressed like this: “I didn't want this to happen, but it happened. It means that someone or something did it against my will. So you need to find something or someone and punish!"

Danger stage: Get stuck in anger and distrust of the world and people. Destroy relationships with loved ones and important people because of aggression and accusations against them. Harm yourself or others (for example, trying to take revenge, breaking the law).

Purpose of help: Protect a person from words and actions that will harm him and other people, and which he may later regret. At the same time, give the victim the opportunity to express feelings, otherwise they will turn on him. If there is actually a culprit in the situation, then help focus and achieve justice in a legal way, because it is difficult for the victim to focus at this stage.

What to do: It is useful to talk and listen to the victim, calmly react to his feelings. You can offer to safely express anger through active sports, martial arts. It is also useful for him to write "letters", expressing his feelings in them (letters can simply be put on the table), talk about them with a photograph or at the grave. You can help a person understand the incident if it is important to him. If there is a violation of the law in a tragedy, then it is worth helping the victim to achieve justice and punishment of the perpetrators within the framework of the law. If there are no culprits or punishment is impossible, then support him in expressing anger and help him experience his helplessness. It can be helpful to channel the victim's anger into something useful (for example, helping survivors of the same thing). At this stage, it is good to be a mediator-peacemaker between person and people.

What to avoid: Avoid blaming the person for their behavior and reactions. Avoid blaming others unfairly. Do not allow a person to begin to take revenge on anyone. You can not encourage and push to take out anger.

Image
Image

3. STAGE OF TRADING (WINE)

Metaphor: "Return it as it was"

What it looks like: The victim may suddenly develop obsessions such as superstitions or compliance with some rules. Religiousness may appear, he may start going to church. Can easily believe and be led on promises and ways to correct the situation (appeal to God, doctors, appeal to sorcerers, science). A person can talk or mention a certain miracle that should happen because he did something special (For example, he donated money to an orphanage, so his illness will now recede. Not to be confused with the previous stage, when a person expresses his energy in some useful cause, there he expects nothing in return.).

Likewise, a person can begin to blame himself. Phrases like "if I …", "I should have done / said this", "I shouldn't have done / said this" can often appear in speech. The victim may, as if trying to fix something that was done "wrong" in relation to what was lost, as if it could change something. He may develop various bodily symptoms or panic attacks.

The meaning of the stage: The realization of the loss has come, the guilty have been found, but the value of the lost is so great that it is impossible to refuse it. An attempt is characteristic to change what happened, to replace what happened with something else, to miraculously roll everything back. A person is ready to agree to any price in order to change a reality that he does not want to accept. The psyche resorts to the last defense: "magical thinking". This is an echo of the infantile "omnipotence": "I am able to command reality, if I only knew the right way."

The flip side of the coin of omnipotence will manifest itself in a sense of guilt: “I was able to prevent a tragedy, but I did something wrong, and it happened. So it’s my fault for what happened. We have to understand what I should have done differently, so that now everything is back in place and next time I will not lose something so important."

Danger stage: Stuck in wine. Refuse relationships with loved ones and important things in life due to the lack of a guarantee that everything will not happen again. Deny yourself the right to joy, happiness, material wealth as a punishment. Too bump into religion, esotericism, sect, as an attempt to punish oneself, atone for guilt or earn forgiveness and because of this lose contact with reality and loved ones.

Purpose of help: Help a person realize the irreversibility of the tragedy. Don't let him get buried in guilt and self-blame. Support and help the victim to accept their share of responsibility, if any. Make it clear to him that, no matter what, he deserves to live on and be happy.

What to do: During this period, it is necessary to encourage a person to notice the impossibility of changing what has already happened in any way. Explain the impossibility of the victim's influence on events of this order. To make it clear to the person that he could not do everything perfectly, could not foresee everything, draw his attention to the contribution of other people and circumstances. Help to experience helplessness in front of greater forces (such as the elements and death). If a person is objectively to blame for what happened, then help to experience this guilt and draw conclusions for the future. In this case, you can help the person find a way of healthy and beneficial redemption for others. Help to find a specific significant person, whose forgiveness, in case of guilt, will make sense for the victim (for example, parents, priest, doctor). It is useful for the victim to write letters in which he would express his feelings, speak with a portrait or a grave (if this is the death of a loved one).

What to avoid: Avoid blaming the person for what happened and do not encourage self-incrimination. It should not be offered or encouraged to give up anything important for the sake of redemption. You cannot punish the victim for what happened with words or deeds.

Image
Image

4. STAGE OF DEPRESSION (DESPAIR)

Metaphor: "Death after"

What it looks like: A person closes in on himself, loses interest in life. The victim may appear depressed, may have tears, apathy, sadness, lethargy, weakness, lack of desire to do something, go to work or communicate, unwillingness to live. The victim may stop doing his usual things and start himself (may not eat well, stop washing, brushing teeth, stop paying attention to clothes, stop cleaning the apartment, take care of children). He can get sick or talk about different symptoms, and panic attacks can also appear, especially at the moments of "going out into the world." A person may begin to avoid familiar people or events associated with fun, often talk about the desire to be alone. The victim may talk about the meaninglessness or unbearableness of his life. In extreme cases, suicidal attempts are possible.

The meaning of the stage: All defenses have been overcome, the situation has been accepted, the guilty have been found, and no change is possible. The psyche no longer defends itself, but finally began to experience true loss. At this stage, there is a lot of pain, bitterness, helplessness, despair and other feelings that can manifest strongly in the body. The victim does not know how to deal with all these terrible and difficult feelings that fill him, just as he does not know how to live on without what is irretrievably lost. Subconsciously or even openly, it may sound like: “my world is destroyed, I don’t want to live in a world in which there is no longer that which was so important to me, so I am dying”. This is the most difficult, but also the most productive phase of grief.

Danger stage: Stuck in grief. Spoil your health. Lose your job and friends. Renounce the world. Fall into real depression. End your life.

Purpose of help: Prevent the development of clinical depression or suicide. Help and support in living grief, share pain. Take care of the health and material needs of the victim, which he himself cannot yet take care of.

What to do: At this stage, it is useful to take on the physical support of the victim (for example, buying groceries, cleaning the house, taking care of pets, children). It is useful to regularly call and visit, to be interested in how to help. It will help to mediate between man and the world. It is helpful to talk to the victim about their feelings and encourage them to express them in different ways (write poetry, prose, paint pictures, make music, write letters, speak to a grave or photograph). At this stage, it is more useful to listen than to speak. Sometimes you can gently force a person to "ventilate", go out with him somewhere, do things that are his favorite, but not connected in any way with the loss. It may be helpful for the victim to change their environment (take a vacation, go out into the countryside, move to a place where they are well taken care of).

What to avoid: You can not force the victim to calm down and pull yourself together. You can't force yourself to be distracted and have fun. You can not heap with worries and deeds. Avoid blaming anything.

Image
Image

5. STAGE OF ACCEPTANCE (HUMILITY)

Metaphor: "New life"

What it looks like: At this stage, the person has a calmer, even state. Positive feelings return to the victim's life (he begins to smile, laugh, rejoice, joke again). The person begins to do things again that he did before. Strength returns, he becomes more active. The victim returns to work, can start new projects. Sadness still remains, especially in dealing with loved ones and when it comes to loss, but it does not addictive anymore. A person begins to be interested in new things, new hobbies and acquaintances may appear. Can change the environment (change jobs, move to another place, change furniture or wardrobe).

The meaning of the stage: The grief is not over yet, this is its last and necessary stage. This is a recovery process. The pain gradually disappears, the "wound" no longer bleeds, a scar has formed on it, which still pulls and aches, but no longer causes acute pain with every movement. There is still not a lot of strength, since they have gone to live with grief and continue to go to "heal the wound." Now it is necessary to restore also the spent forces. A person understands that he did not die of grief and that he will live, so he begins to establish a new way of life, without what he has lost. The victim seems to have buried his old life and is now starting a new one.

Danger stage: Do not fully recover and return to previous stages. Do not calculate your strength, take on too much or too difficult, overstrain and roll back into depression.

Purpose of help: Help the victim to fully recover. Help where a person's strength is still lacking.

What to do: Encourage the person to take their time to recover. Gradually return to the person all his affairs that he could not do earlier. Support in new endeavors and new projects. You can try something new and interesting together. If a person remembers the loss, then calmly talk about it. Do not be afraid to remind him of the loss or what is connected with it. You can begin to behave already quite naturally and usually with him (do not restrain yourself and your feelings, do not limit yourself in words and actions).

What to avoid: Avoid procrastinating the tragedy (talking only about it all the time). You cannot rush a person to recover and live life to the fullest again, as before. At the same time, avoid overly patronizing and sparing. You cannot blame and shame the victim for enjoying life again.

Recommended: