2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
If the child throws tantrums, he does not obey. Personal experience of a psychologist
A good psychologist is one who has gone through, experienced, realized, overcome and worked through the tasks, trials and problems that life gives him.
Recently, one of my banking clients called, from my days as a bank manager. I called, dissatisfied with the service in the office where I was once the manager, saying that with my departure it became much worse. In such situations, two feelings are fighting in me. One says: "You see what a fine fellow you are, then you are a good leader." On the other hand, it becomes a little sorry for the years spent on work. Although clients sometimes make mistakes, they make excessive demands on new hires. Often, everything is not so bad, it's just that a person has such a mood today.
I said that I no longer work in banks and have been doing psychological counseling for several years, and our conversation smoothly turned to the topic of family relationships between parents and children. The problem, for our time, is standard, the child does not obey, plays computer games, does not listen to his parents. Question: what to do? Of course, I tried to give recommendations, but I felt that they sound quite trite and are unlikely to be useful to him, and will give some effect. In my private practice, I do not work with parent-child relationships, so I did not pay much attention to this topic. However, everything in life does not happen by accident. As in this famous phrase of John Don: “… never ask for whom the Bell tolls; He calls for You. Last night, when it turned out to be one of the few quiet evenings, when my eldest son did not throw tantrums, was quite flexible and obedient, I realized that this is a sign for me to understand something in my life.
Elder son and tantrums
My first son is a very long-awaited child in our family. For more than two years my wife and I, after we decided that it was time, we could not conceive. We ate right, led an absolutely healthy lifestyle, and seriously practiced yoga. They prayed, asked for blessings from their parents, went to astrologers and psychics. It seems that one of the astrologers said that there is no child because there is a generic curse. But at some point, either thanks to the help of some specialists, or just the time has come, a miracle happened.
The wife turned into a brood hen, devoted herself entirely to the birth of a child. We went to special courses before childbirth, in Moscow there is a center where Orthodox midwives teach, who then help to deliver at home. The birth took place quickly, without complications, thanks to yoga, the right mood, the help of our midwife and, for sure, higher powers. The son was born completely healthy and strong, weighing 4 kg. Despite the endless worries of grandparents that there will be problems due to the lack of protein due to the fact that we are vegetarians.
After birth, we immediately felt that the guy was born demanding and quite emotional. And by the age of two, he began to firmly defend his positions, and, in case of failure, he turned into hysterics.
I'll make a reservation right away that our grandmother is a pediatrician, so we didn't have a chance to pass all doctors, including a neurologist. The answer is - everything is fine, glycine, valerian; and in general, many children now do not listen to their parents and will become hysterical - this is within the normal range. And the fact that the parents "go crazy" because of this, well, so that you wanted life after all is not sugar, you need to work on yourself. Although how to do this is not clear.
Now the son is 6 years old, the child throws tantrums quite often. Moreover, the methods of manipulation with the development of consciousness are rapidly improving. The wife is now drinking valerian herself. Compliance with the regime and the elimination of moments of overwork, emotional overload due to the high sensitivity of the nervous system helped to partially reduce the number of tantrums. Most often, this behavior occurs at a time when there are significant adults. It calms down only after the enacted drama reaches its climax. Everything can be attributed to the character, to the peculiarities of the nervous system, which only leads everything to a dead end, from which there is only one way out - glycine, valerian and other, more "powerful" drugs.
It can be assumed that, probably, the child has a demonic character or something like that. Now, during the development of the Vedic worldview, this is a fashionable term. This very convenient label is used in order not to look for reasons and to absolve themselves of responsibility. It's just the character, what can you do.
For quite a long time I have been trying to find a clue to this phenomenon, tried to try on different concepts, first of all, I analyzed the roles: “victim-savior-tyrant”. It is possible to trace how these scenarios are played out, but attempts to change them do not give a lasting result. It seems that some kind of force returns everything to its place, and the performance continues.
In the literature on psychology and psychosomatics, it is said that a child can behave hysterically from a lack of unconditional love and attention. When parents show love and care only when the child is behaving well. That is, parents live by the principle: "I want to enjoy life, and you must help me in this, and if your behavior does not allow me to enjoy, then I will not waste my time and energy on you."
However, the son, for sure, has not been deprived of attention since childhood, and about unconditional love the question is open. The problem is that even if this is all true, then where can a parent get such unconditional love if there is none? And in general, reasoning on the topic of unconditional love is sometimes very impractical, since it can even be difficult to understand that this is such a thing. And where and how to get it is generally a big question.
At some point, my wife and I decided to analyze the life of our ancestors, because in my experience of working on ourselves and working with clients, it is family-generic scenarios that often contain answers to many questions that seem inexplicable or impossible to correct.
It turned out that in the family of my wife and my family there is a recurring scenario when one of the relatives behaves harshly, demanding attention and submission to his will, provokes conflicts. And this is exactly how my son behaves. However, there is no insight here, except that after analyzing and comparing our family trees with our wife, we, in due time, saw that we met and fell in love with each other not by chance. But, in itself, this understanding does not yet give an answer to the question "What to do with this now?" Well, life was hard, revolution, wars. Well, some of the men in our birth could not stand it and acted treacherously towards women. And women were not saints, of course, they were, they put all the blame on the peasants, not trying to understand and understand the circumstances, to understand and forgive.
What does the son have to do with hysteria?
Moreover, children who grew up in families where there were problems in parental relationships were deprived of attention and love, the attention of even their mothers. Their mothers, who did not forgive their husbands or fathers, could not give the necessary attention and care to their children, because they had to solve many everyday and personal problems alone. Children who did not receive the experience of the disinterested love of their parents could not pass it on to their descendants in full.
Children growing up in an atmosphere where there is little love are forced to somehow fight for attention from others. This becomes the reason for the formation of a character inclined to dominate and defend his point of view no matter what. After all, this is how the missing attention is replenished and the person feels that he is not indifferent to those close to him. The purpose of defending your point of view to the last is to protect yourself. Protection, they believe, from the injustice of this world. From inappropriate and disrespectful attitude towards their personality. They always fight for the truth, for themselves and never give up, they fight at any cost.
Therefore, it would be wrong to blame a six-year-old child or an 80-year-old grandmother for provoking conflicts. The only difference is that if an adult, if desired, can try to understand the reasons and correct his attitude to life, then a child with an undeveloped consciousness cannot exactly do this.
The question arises, what should parents do if a child throws tantrums?
It can be assumed that after working through your generic scenario and paying special attention to the lives of those ancestors who had negative experiences, it will help parents understand their own model of behavior, which launches just such a scenario of relationships with a child. Awareness of the program already makes it possible to change it.
I will try to briefly formulate my assumptions of what to do in a situation when the child throws tantrums and does not obey:
- Draw the family trees of the spouses.
- Find out which of your ancestors received psychological trauma associated with a lack of attention, feelings of love from one of the parents or spouse. Perhaps the father was the cause of his daughter's misfortunes.
- Understand the reasons for this behavior of your ancestors. You need to recreate the historical reality in which these events took place, then it will be easier for you to understand them. For example, during the war and after all the men drank a lot, drank just to relieve stress (do not judge them, God forbid us to live in such conditions), decisions made in a state of alcoholic intoxication are often irresponsible, in a sober state a person may I wouldn't do that.
- Perhaps the person simply had no choice. It is important to keep in mind that families do not break up over just one person. Both spouses always bring the family to this. One - by their actions, the second - by inaction or provoking a situation.
- Try to forgive anyone who has hurt others. It is necessary to forgive not just because “God forgave and bequeathed to us”, forgiveness should be based on the understanding of that person of his personal problems, life difficulties, insurmountable circumstances that he faced.
Another insight that I received while dealing with this issue, love is not only the enjoyment of your son or daughter, love is also investing your life energy, energy and time in raising a child. It is to invest our energy in working with the child, including when the child does not behave the way we like. Often, one of the parents does not take a strict position on a number of educational issues, due to the lack of strength and energy to do this, which provokes the child's inappropriate behavior, or vice versa: behaves excessively harshly. This can also be attributed to the lack of the necessary energy, the desire to isolate oneself from problems. To write off everything on the character of the child, heredity, lack of time, the need to earn money. There are many excuses for not taking care of the child.
However, as I wrote at the beginning, it is possible to argue that these methods will work only if you have personal experience of overcoming the situation, or at least the experience of other people who have gone through this situation. I have neither one nor the other in terms of working with a 6-year-old child. Therefore, I decided to first try to "work through" this situation myself, and in a month to make a small report on what happened and how effective it is.
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