2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Oksana, a young unmarried woman of 30 years old, turned for psychotherapy due to a general feeling of emptiness, the loss of any meaning and a vacuum in values. According to her, she was "completely confused", did not know "what she wants in life and from life." At the time of the appeal, Oksana did not work anywhere. She was provided by the men she met. At the same time, she quite often changed her companions, since "none of them suited her." Oksana never got attached to anyone, and the feeling of love was not familiar to her.
However, she acknowledged this fact with pronounced sadness, wanting to change and love someone. I must say that the level of intelligence and psychological culture of Oksana was extremely high. She received a good classical education. Her hobbies were, as a rule, intellectual in nature. Oksana's ability to be aware was quite enough to see her psychological contribution in the current life situation. In fact, this awareness led her to psychotherapy: "I am driven to despair by the fact that for many years with consistent persistence I have been destroying my life!" As it soon became clear, the compulsive tendency to change men and the lack of attachment to them stemmed from the established family tradition. Her mother and grandmother in the same way at one time built relationships with men. Oksana described her mother as a cold, detached, alien woman for her. Throughout her childhood, Oksana "never received love, care or tenderness." Moreover, making numerous unsuccessful attempts to arrange her personal life, Oksana's mother almost did not engage in her upbringing. For example, Oksana spent most of her childhood in her aunt's rural house, where "no one cared about her." However, after graduating from school, the mother took her daughter to her place and brought down all her care on her in the form of helping her get a good education.
In the course of therapy, Oksana behaved rather coldly with me, limiting contact only to numerous stories about relationships with men and about professional plans. It seemed that she had nothing to do with what was happening to me. Frankly, I did not expect anything else, given the client's life story. At the same time, the feelings of pity, tenderness and sympathy that I regularly experienced in relation to Oksana throughout the therapy gave me the strength to be in the zone of such cold rejection on her part.
And then at one of the sessions something happened that initiated changes, both in the process of psychotherapy and in Oksana's life. The young woman spoke in detail about the events of her childhood. At the same time, she looked like a small child, whom I suddenly wanted to warm up and give something. I shared my reactions with her. Oksana's face looked at that moment at the same time bewildered and moved. She said that she rarely heard such words from other people. At that moment, I noted to myself that, most likely, she was also running away from such situations a little later. However, I did not say it out loud. My words moved Oksana, but there was a rather tense pause in our contact after them. I asked Oksana to listen carefully to herself and try to somehow relate to my words. After a few minutes of silence, she said: “I am very pleased with your words. But this is more of an intellectual reaction. I do not experience any response with my heart. I hear that you are calling me to some new space for me, but I do not know where! I don't know where this space is! These words of Oksana sounded quietly, but both her and me were worried almost like a cry. A desperate cry of an empty, hungry, wounded and needing love heart.
It is quite difficult, although it would be more correct to say, completely impossible, to experience what was completely absent in experience. Oksana was unfamiliar with the experience of intimacy, tenderness, touching care and love. So, when faced with it, nothing but confusion and subsequent fear had to be expected so far. But confusion was already a good sign. At least I was heard by Oksana. I told her: “I really am calling you into a space unknown to you - the space of experience. But it does not have geographic coordinates in the usual sense of the word. This space is somewhere between us and at the same time in your heart. It's just that it is still hidden from you. I am sad from this, but joyful at the same time. I am glad that we were able to stop here, although we are confused."
We spent some time experiencing this confusion, silently looking at each other. For the first time in our contact, we were somewhere close to each other. I suddenly remembered an example from the Bible, relayed many times in existential literature, when God turns to Abraham and asks him: "Abraham, where are you?" And he says this not at all because he does not know where Abraham is, but in order to turn the latter to the experience of his life.
I know from my own experience how difficult such a question can be to answer. Experience has to be learned. For some, this process is more or less simple, for others, such as Oksana, sometimes slowly and painfully and accompanied by monstrous anxiety. But what is interesting, for the most part, I learned to worry not in the process of my professional training, but together with my clients. It was they who taught me to appreciate Life and its manifestations - feelings, desires, fantasies, etc. And, as paradoxical as it may sound, most of all I learned from such clients as Oksana, contact with whom implied the need for much greater efforts to be and the risk of living … I am grateful to this experience, including Oksana herself. The feelings that accompanied the thoughts I described - gratitude, joy, anxiety and sadness - overwhelmed me. I shared them with Oksana. She burst into tears and said that she was very grateful to me for the experience of supporting her in her attempts to Live, which she received today. We spent the rest of the session in silence - Oksana, quietly crying, and I in the presence of a person who risked opening up to Life. This seemed to be a colossal breakthrough in the psychotherapy process. But, of course, this was only the beginning. The beginning of a very difficult and at times painful process of restoration of vitality and taste for Life.
Oksana began the next session by again telling in detail about the events that happened to her new boyfriend. At the same time, she looked somewhat agitated and irritable. Her story was again rather cold and somewhat detached. There was no place for experience in him. Moreover, Oksana was not at all interested in the feelings of her young man. Needless to say, your humble servant also ceased to exist in any incarnation unrelated to a professional function. Once again, in contact with Oksana, I imagined myself as a kind of "therapeutic apparatus". As if the last session did not exist at all. Although, this state of affairs was quite expected. For some time I kept up a conversation about the events of the conflict between Oksana and her young man, after which I tried to focus Oksana's attention on the process of experiencing these events. When I asked her how she felt about what she was telling, Oksana suddenly burst into a stream of irritating claims against me. She said that she was unhappy with the therapy process, that it was going too slowly. After that, she turned to a list of personal claims and began to accuse me of “I don’t wish her well,” that “in the end I don’t give a damn about her,” and so on. Despite all my attempts to help Oksana somehow relate to what she said, she remained very passionate about expressing the accusations themselves. She looked very annoyed, although, according to her, she did not feel anything, but simply "decided to deal with me." It seemed that not a trace remained in our contact from the content and experience of the events of the last session. As if she did not exist at all. I tried to remind Oksana of what happened in the last session, which only made her angry. She screamed, “I don't care about your feelings. And I lived for many years without any feelings. Why should I change now ?!"
Unfortunately, the described session did not exhaust the tension in our relations with Oksana. This was just the beginning. The tension and anger only increased from session to session, although she did not miss a single one, moreover, she was not even late. This went on for long, painful weeks, during which I at times experienced terrible despair. I was only supported by memories of the events of the session, which preceded the period of tension. Oksana seemed to me at times a frightened person, cornered. At one of the sessions, I asked Oksana what makes her stay in therapy, given such a strong tension in our relationship. In response, all of a sudden for me and, as it turned out later, for herself, Oksana burst into tears and said: “I am very scared and painful! Help me!" I suddenly felt, against the background of despair and for quite a long time already present anger towards Oksana, a forgotten feeling of pity and tenderness for her. I shared my feelings with her and said that she is still an important person for me, but at times it hurts me a lot from her words and actions. Continuing to cry, Oksana said: "I am in great pain, and therefore I hit you."
So two people met, who are very painful from each other's presence, but who for some reason stay with each other. I invited Oksana to discuss the reasons that still keep us close. We had a very touching conversation out of this. She said that I represent the opportunity for her to Live. But sometimes this opportunity seems scorching to her, without losing its attractiveness. It turned out that she still remembers in detail our conversation, in which she was invited by me to the space of experience. And this supports her every day. But it scares me too. I replied that in our contact I support myself with the same hope that someday we will be able to experience each other, touching our Lives. It would be very important for me to acquaint her with this new world, the world of experience. Taking into account the presence of the contact that had already begun to form, these words of ours did not sounded pretentious, on the contrary, they looked somehow simple and touching. I said that I was not born with experience skills, but learned to be close and to be in contact with many people to whom I am grateful to this day. Despite the fact that this training was not easy. After that, I asked Oksana to tell me personally about the fear and pain she is experiencing now. We moved in a new space for Oksana slowly, as if looking around and trying to notice what was happening around. Thus ended the session, which began a very slow and uneven, but already quite consistent process of restoring the ability to Live.
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