Fusion And Codependency As A Form Of Intimacy. The Difference Of Fusion, Codependency, And Intimacy

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Let's look at merging as a form of intimacy - when is it great and when is it overkill?

There is practically no difference between merging and codependency. The only difference is that the word "codependency" is most often used by psychologists (now and by a wider mass of people) to describe some kind of painful attachment, addiction, when a person is already in pain.

If we talk about merging, this is a perfectly acceptable form of intimacy. In what sense? What is merge in general? In a healthy version, a child from birth to 1, 5 years old is in psychological merger with his mother, he really needs an emotional mother's response, her emotional inclusion - this is how we survive (mother is constantly spinning around, caring, trying to understand the needs of her baby). Closer to the age of 2, separation from the mother's figure begins - for the child only the mother is no longer so important, the father appears, his toys, his world, objects of affection, other relatives and significant figures, curiosity about the world appears (somewhere to run, something examine, for example, an outlet - something that is dangerous, and then the mother may turn on "closing" if she is anxious). Sometimes children go everywhere with their toy, which is called a transitional attachment object.

So, a healthy option is when everything is calm, it is enough to merge with the mother, the separation was successful, and the child no longer needs the period of merging. Although, there is a theory that even in adulthood we still strive to merge, so when we find a partner, we fall in love and fall into the desired merger. The question is how long have we been in this state. If all our lives, it means that we have not lived through a child crisis.

What are the options for unhealthy living during the merger period?

1. Mom is not emotionally available enough, is not emotionally included in the baby's life - and the child does not live merging with her, he does not feel that the mother is nearby and protects, does not feel his importance. In adulthood, such a person will be prone to codependency, to dependent relationships, his desire to still reunite and get this merger will prevail, and as a form of dependence. However, this is about wanting a healthy fusion (not painful when rejected).
2. Overprotective - mom is too anxious. Does not allow the child to look to the left, to the right, all the time running around ("What are you doing there?", "Why are you doing this?"). In this case, the child in adulthood will choose counterdependence, there will be too much intimacy for him.
3. It also happens that the child, on the one hand, either did not have emotional contact with the mother, or was overprotective, then in adulthood he will be either counterdependent or codependent.

Accordingly, if you did not have a period of fusion in childhood, or it was not well represented, and you remained in a developmental crisis, in adulthood you will look for a partner prone to fusion, dependence (and for you this will be the most desirable - “I I want just such a relationship! To be together every day! ).

Merging does not mean a relationship where people are always together. Merging is when you don't know what you want, but you expect your partner to know. In other words, one of the partners seems to add some function to the other that the other does not have. “I can't make decisions! I can't figure out exactly what I want! Let my partner understand what I want! " - this is merging. If you know well what you want, and your partner knows, you can talk about your desires, look for compromises and live "in perfect harmony" - this is not a merger, not codependency. Codependency comes with morbidity.

Some couples can "sleep" for 10-20 years, and then suddenly discover that everyone has their own personality, someone dreamed of writing or drawing, but due to the fact that he fell in love, got married / got married, had children, forgot about his desires, and did not realize them. However, you can do all this in the evening, after the main work. If you have been in a relationship of merger and codependency for 10-20 years and suddenly woke up, the second partner may follow, or, conversely, the relationship ends. In the first case, you should carefully explain to your partner and agree with him: “I am not against you, I have not stopped loving you, I am not leaving, I would not want our relationship to be broken. I just found myself, my feelings, experiences and desires. Let me. This does not mean that I no longer love you. This means that I want to do something else besides our relationship."

In general, spending time together (and even more so when people feel good together) is not a merger! Remember this! And even if you notice a form of some kind of merging in your relationship, as if you are losing yourself to some extent (or your partner is losing himself), do not be alarmed. Perhaps this is the period of your relationship when you and your partner need to merge and stop understanding what each of you wants - the main thing is together. A healthy option - after a while you get out of this state, you get tired of being a part of someone, you want to be alone, and then again a part of someone. In the psyche, everything that stiffens and painfully lends itself to change can be considered unhealthy. For example, today I do not want to be in a merger, I want to be alone, conditionally, in counterdependence. However, this does not mean at all that I am leaving at all! The question is how to make the transition in order to understand each other, so that the partner does not get upset, not frustrated, how not to step on his injuries, and if you do step on, then indicate that you are not at all against him.

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