HOW TO SET BORDERS WITHOUT HARDNESS, FEAR AND SHAME

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

HOW TO SET BORDERS WITHOUT HARDNESS, FEAR AND SHAME

I am not a supporter of the practice of permissive parenting. Children need boundaries to feel safe. But establishing and maintaining them in life is difficult, especially if you seek to avoid coercion, threat and blackmail. It takes a long time to learn to set boundaries with equanimity and firmness. And lately I've had a lot of practice.

When your child is being rude or unsafe, you can get short and emotional. In a worst-case scenario, the amygdala (part of the "emotional" brain) takes over the prefrontal cortex (which is responsible for intelligent behavior) and your body, under the influence of stress hormones - cortisol and adrenaline, becomes alert.

At this moment, you are no longer an intelligent person. Once the lower levels of the brain take over, you are no longer able to reasonably assess the state of affairs. The best way to stay on top of your brain (i.e., stay in control) is to imagine that your relationship with your kids is a long distance, not a sprint, and act accordingly.

What can help you create boundaries more easily without harming your relationship with your children?

1. THINK FORWARD

The parent needs to learn to think one step ahead. Fortunately, our brains are more developed than our children (I want to believe in this). If you think about it, we will almost certainly name all the places where our children "overflow". Think about it ahead of time.

2. USE AN EXPRESSIVE AND SIMPLE LANGUAGE

One of the best pieces of advice I received as a teacher was to record my speech in class for an hour and then listen to it. All the speech habits that I wanted to get rid of were clearly audible in the recording. One of them was the habit of speaking indistinctly and with an interrogative intonation: “I really would not want you to do that. Good? Oh, this must-have question at the end! Get rid of it if you want your children to do as you ask.

3. CONTROL BODY LANGUAGE AND FACE EXPRESSION

Despite the fact that I have written a book on how to say the right thing, research shows that non-verbal cues are of great importance. Don't be silly if you want to talk seriously. Always, always come down to the level of the child. You seem huge and terrifying to him. And as you lean towards him, you might think about what to say to him and make your face more calm.

4. MAKE SURE YOUR TONE IS WARM BUT FIRM

A harsh tone can be overkill and intimidating to a young child and can cause stress and increased anxiety. Scream save for life or death emergencies. A frightened child can weaken the connection with you, and this connection is necessary for him, because it is an important component of his ability to emotionally regulate.

5. LET YOUR CHILD EXPRESS HIS EMOTIONS

Set boundaries where you have them. But give your child space to express their feelings. Expecting that the child will say “good” to your “no” is rather strange, you will agree. This is extremely rare. But it will happen more often if you calmly and confidently say, “I won't let you eat another cookie. I understand you wanted him. And I see that you are upset now. Believe that your child can have difficult emotions when they don't get what they want. The ability to deal with disappointment is what a child learns from experiencing disappointment.

6. EXPECT AGE-RIGHT BEHAVIOR OF YOUR CHILDREN

One-year-olds expect to get everything. Two-year-olds don't know how to share without protest. Three-year-olds will say no often, very often. Four-year-olds need to know why. Five-year-olds can be pretty cocky and cocky. It would be nice for us, parents, to know what stage of development our child is at.

7. STAY DECISIVE EVEN WHEN YOU DECIDE TO CHANGE YOUR OPINION

Confidence in your decisions is critical. Your doubts about whether you can or cannot jump on the bed are much worse than if on Tuesday you say: "Yes, today you can" (because you are focused and can ensure safety), and on Wednesday you say "No, you cannot today" (because you have a headache and did not get enough sleep). It is much more important to make decisions than to keep the rule unchanged.

8. USE PHYSICAL CONTACT AS NEEDED

Only if you yourself do not experience strong frustration, it will be good if you surround, protect the child physically, taking care of his safety (and the safety of others). In the hollow between your knees (so you don't get hurt either) is a very convenient way to do this. Check your condition and attitude and stay calm - NEVER touch your child when you are angry. Focus and give him full attention so you don't hurt him. Sometimes one minute of such contact is sufficient. Always let your child leave as soon as he is able to control himself.

9. DO NOT EXPLAIN REASONS OF BORDERS SEVERAL TIMES

It may be helpful to state the reason for the restriction once. But do not repeat this over and over again, because it will only annoy you. Say it once and be silent. When a child is on the lower levels of the brain, words will not help. If you want a mantra to chant when the child is out of the banks, say, "You are safe, little one."

10. USE HUMOR

It works great! Learn to sound your toothbrush or water in the bathroom in a silly and funny voice. It's guaranteed to work better and take less time than negotiation, shouting, or bribery.

Try these tips. Perhaps they will work better than "You better get dressed now!" "How dare you talk to me like that!" or "Eat this damn cookie already."

If we want children to be internally motivated to be good, then it would be good for ourselves to be kind, to stay in contact with them and listen to their feelings.

The model of parenting that is not based on fear and shame can best be described by Albert Einstein's statement: "If people are good only because they are afraid of punishment or expect a reward, then we really think too much of ourselves."

Sarah MacLaughlin

Translated by Polina Rychalova and Elena Dotsenko