Codependent Relationships: Living Without Borders

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Codependent Relationships: Living Without Borders

You will learn that you are an addict

a person when, dying, you find

that not yours will flash in front of you

own, and someone else's life

- Sister Alyonushka, there is no urine: I will drink from the hoof!

- Do not drink, brother, you will become a goat!

Ivanushka did not obey and drank from a goat's hoof. I got drunk and became a kid …

Russian folktale

Preliminary remarks

The term "codependency" relatively recently entered psychological dictionaries: in the psychological and psychotherapeutic literature it began to be used in the late 1970s. It appeared as a result of studying the socio-psychological consequences of the behavior of alcoholics, drug addicts, gamblers and other addicts for their immediate family environment and changed the terms "co-alcoholism", "para-alcoholism".

Who are called codependents? A codependent person in the broadest sense is considered to be a person who is pathologically attached to another: spouse, child, parent. Inclusion in the life of another, complete absorption in his problems and affairs, as well as an extreme form of codependency as the need to establish complete control over him are the most typical characteristics of these people. In addition to the highlighted qualities, codependent people are also characterized by:

· low self-esteem;

· The need for constant approval and support from others;

Uncertainty of psychological boundaries

A feeling of powerlessness to change anything in a destructive relationship, etc.

In the perception of most people, the word "codependency" is loaded with negative meanings. First of all, codependency is associated with the loss of freedom, the loss of one's own I, relationships that destroy the personality. This term has become firmly established in everyday consciousness and is widely used to describe destructive relationships between a dependent and a codependent person or between two codependent people. Codependency research is an interdisciplinary field: its various aspects are studied by pedagogy, sociology, psychology, medicine.

In this article, we will focus on describing the phenomenology of the codependent personality, based on the text of the famous Russian fairy tale "Sister Alyonushka and Brother Ivanushka". This tale presents Alyonushka as a role model of a caring sister who takes care of her brother after the death of her parents. As a result of disobedience, the brother turns into a kid, but Alyonushka continues to patiently take care of him even after creating his own family. The wicked witch is trying to destroy Alyonushka and destroy her family life. She drowns Alyonushka, takes her place next to her husband and wants to destroy Ivanushka. However, Alyonushka is saved, Ivanushka turns from a kid back into a boy, and the wicked witch is punished.

The events described in the tale and its happy ending are the phenomena that will be analyzed in this article in the context of codependent relationships.

Formation of codependent behavior in ontogenesis

Analyzing this tale, we faced the following difficulty: which relationships should be considered "conditionally normal", and which - pathologically codependent? After all, ontogeny is a sequential process of the deployment of various structures of the I through contact with the social environment, and those forms of interaction with the environment that are adequate at some stages are recognized as unacceptable at others. So, for example, a symbiotic relationship between a mother and a small child is not just the norm, but also a condition for the development of the latter.

Two meta-needs - to be included and to be autonomous - are the most important drivers of development. They are in the figure-ground relationship described by Gestalt psychologists. In various relationships with Others, we build a “give-take” balance, due to which information circulates between us, love is manifested, recognition is expressed, support is provided. Assimilating, the experience of interacting with Others becomes a part of our I, gives us strength, confidence, the ability to plan and build our lives. Being with others and being yourself are two sides of the same coin, because it is impossible to be yourself in the absence of others, real or introjected.

In psychoanalysis, the idea of basic needs - to be yourself and to be with Others - was described by Otto Rank. He argued that there are two kinds of fear. He called the first type of fear fear of life. Its striking characteristic is the need for dependence on the Other. It manifests itself in a complete rejection of his I, of his identity. Such a person is just a shadow of the one he loves. Rank called the second type of fear the fear of death. This is the fear of being completely absorbed by the Other, the fear of losing independence. Otto Rank believed that the first type of fear is more typical for women, and the second - for men [Rank].

These meta-needs and ways of satisfying them are usually determined by the child's rather early relationship with the mother's figure. Obviously, in the course of development and communication with the social environment, the child changes himself and changes the ways of meeting different needs, that is, his adult behavior is not a "holographic reflection" of the child's experience. That is why analogs of children's behavior in adulthood cannot be considered conserved and unchanged - these patterns have repeatedly been subjected to various influences from the mental, emotional and social spheres. However, it is important for the therapist to be aware of the concepts of various schools about the main stages of development of object relations and the potential impact of early interaction on the thoughts, feelings and behavior of an adult.

It is obvious that at the stage of infancy, codependency, or, more precisely, the fusion of mother and child, is a condition for the survival of the latter. That is why D. Winnicott said that "there is no such thing as a child." A small child does not exist by itself, he is always next to an adult - a mother or her substitute. D. Winnicott also postulated the idea that in the process of development, the child goes from a state of absolute dependence to a state of relative dependence. For a child to be able to walk this path, there must be a "good enough mother" next to him: not ideal or overprotective, but taking care of the harmonious satisfaction of his needs.

Thus, under conditions of normal development, an adult must be capable of independent existence. Codependency is caused by the incompleteness of one of the most important stages of development in early childhood - the stage of establishing psychological autonomy necessary for the development of one's own “I”, separate from the parents.

In the research of M. Mahler it was found that people who successfully complete this stage at the age of about two to three years have a holistic inner feeling of their uniqueness, a clear idea of their “I” and who they are. The feeling of your Self allows you to declare yourself, rely on your inner strength, take responsibility for your behavior, and not expect that someone will control you. This is a kind of second birth - psychological, the birth of your own I. Such people are able to be in close relationships without losing yourself. M. Mahler believed that for the successful development of a child's psychological autonomy it is necessary that both his parents themselves possess psychological autonomy (M. Mahler).

We know from the fairy tale that the parents of Alyonushka and Ivanushka died, leaving the child in the care of an older sister. Alyonushka is at the age when you can get married: presumably she is about 16 years old. Ivanushka, as follows from the fairy tale, is a child who does not listen to his sister, is not able to keep in his memory prohibitions and obligations for a long time, that is, a child who has not formed a super-ego. Most likely, Ivanushka is from 3 to 5 years old.

The death of parents is not just the loss of the familiar environment, it is the loss of the first objects of love and affection. The experiences associated with such a loss can disorganize the life of both the child and the adult. However, if the behavior continues to remain unchanged over a long period of time, two assumptions can be made. The first is that the death of a parent was a severe trauma that the person could not cope with. Second, that he was the same before his loss.

It was the second assumption that formed the basis of our analysis of Alyonushka's behavior. In our opinion, her sacrifice, uncomplaining submission, inability to fight for herself, lack of her own desires and life only as a function allows her to be described as a codependent person.

The phenomenology of codependent behavior

Codependency is a phenomenon that resembles addiction and is its mirror image. The main psychological characteristics of any addiction and codependency are the following triad:

· Obsessive-compulsive thinking in the field related to the object / subject of addiction / codependency;

• the use of such an immature psychological defense mechanism as denial;

• loss of control over your life.

Both addiction and codependency affect all aspects of human existence: physical, psychological, social. If a person does not recognize or does not notice the problem, does not try to change his life, ignoring the changes that are taking place, then gradually degradation occurs in all of the above areas.

Alyonushka is a typical representative of codependent individuals. She is not just attached to Ivanushka - she is chained to her brother. From the very beginning of the tale, her patience is striking. She and her brother walk across a wide field. Ivanushka asks for a drink, and Alyonushka calmly explains that she needs to wait to get to the well. But Ivanushka is extremely impatient and impulsive, which is quite natural for both children and adult addicts. He offers Alyonushka compromise options: to sip water from the tracks left by various pets.

“- Sister Alyonushka, I'll take a drink from the hoof!

- Do not drink, brother, you will become a calf!

Brother obeyed, let's move on. The sun is high, the well is far away, the heat pesters, the sweat comes out. There is a horse's hoof full of water.

- Sister Alyonushka, I'll drink from a hoof!

- Don't drink, brother, you will become a colt!

Ivanushka sighed, went on again. They walk, they walk - the sun is high, the well is far away, the heat pesters, the sweat comes out. The goat's hoof is full of water.

Ivanushka says:

- Sister Alyonushka, there is no urine: I will drink from the hoof!

- Do not drink, brother, you will become a goat!

Ivanushka did not obey and drank from a goat's hoof. I got drunk and became a kid …

Alyonushka is calling her brother, and instead of Ivanushka, a little white goat is running after her.

Alyonushka burst into tears, sat down on a haystack - crying, and the little goat is jumping next to her.

Note that Alyonushka does not express her aggression, is not angry with Ivanushka - she bursts into tears, while he continues to ride next to her sister.

Thus, a codependent person does not live his own life. He is welded, merged with the life of another person, and experiences all his problems as his own. In such conditions, self does not develop - after all, the condition for development is the presence of the Other next to it, different from me. But Alyonushka, almost an adult, when faced with a difficult situation, plunges into sadness. She loses the ability to act, she does not try to find a way out - Alyonushka is completely disorganized and confused. She lost control of her life.

Obviously, we all experience confusion and confusion in moments of unexpected changes in the course of our lives. A person can be injured or disorganized for a more or less long period of time. However, an adequately functioning individual is able to mobilize after a while and adapt to a new situation in the most appropriate way. The codependent person has lost this ability. He, in fact, cannot change anything, because the Other determines the course of his life.

The phenomenology of addictive behavior

Ivanushka in his characterology is most like a dependent. The famous Russian psychologist B. Bratus put forward the idea that getting pleasure without effort is the way to an alcoholic psyche. Ivanushka is a vivid illustration of this idea - he does not know how to endure, is not able to withstand stress for a long time. This behavior is normal for a small child, but unacceptable for an adult. However, this is exactly how adult addicts behave - alcoholics, drug addicts, gamblers, when a sister, wife, mother or other codependent persuades them not to drink (not to play, not to sniff, not to inject). On the way of Ivanushka, one or another hoof is always encountered, after drinking the water from which he loses his human appearance.

This inability to refrain from compulsive actions is due to a problem that exists in both addicts and codependents: the inability to withstand stress. This ability is usually determined by sufficiently early experience related to satisfying needs. Thus, a small child often experiences hunger, thirst, the need for communication, etc. He signals his needs and desires to the world around him. If the child receives immediate satisfaction of his need, then he does not get the experience of experiencing tension. If he does not receive satisfaction at all, he experiences frustration, which can lead to traumatization of the psyche. Optimal development can be described as "delayed gratification." The child learns patience and takes pleasure as a reward for "work" for being able to withstand the stress.

An anxious mother tries to be “perfect” and tries to immediately satisfy all the needs that arise in the child. Such a child has no experience of delayed getting what he wants and therefore organizes his life around easily accessible pleasures. That is why the contingent of a psychologist is often the parents of "golden youth" who, according to their description, have everything except interests and goals in life. Unfortunately, such a “happy childhood” does not create conditions for the formation of such a personality trait as goal-setting - the ability to plan the future, set and achieve goals, and as a result inevitably leads to drug addiction, alcoholism, wasting time aimlessly, seeking pleasure for the momentary feeling of being alive. Such clients usually do not respond well to psychotherapy, because the spectrum of their problems is due to an underlying defect in their psyche. Lack of self-control, limited sphere of interests, "adhesion" to the object of addiction / codependency are a serious challenge for the psychotherapist.

Such clients are not able to ask for help from the environment - usually their relatives turn for help or someone brings them to therapy literally "by the hand." The psychotherapist will have to work with a “little child” who is not aware of his desires, needs, his own separation from the environment. An illustration of the described phenomenology of both dependent and codependent personality is the moment when the witch drowned Alyonushka. Ivanushka is trying to get her sister back. “In the morning and in the evening he walks along the shore near the water and calls:

- Alyonushka, my sister!

Swim out, swim out to the shore …"

Note: Ivanushka does not try to tell people about her problem, Alyonushka's husband, ask them for help or find a way to save her sister on her own. All he is capable of is walking along the shore and continuing to cry pitifully to nowhere. After all, talking about a problem and asking for help means admitting your disability, your fears and problems, and becoming very vulnerable. That is why the complexity of psychotherapy of a dependent person lies in the fact that the codependent does not give him the opportunity to grow up and supports him in a childish, infantile, irresponsible state, acting as a kind of “psychological crutch”. Any attempt by a partner to declare their boundaries is perceived by the codependent as rejection.

Goat symbolism

When analyzing a fairy tale, the question arises: why does Ivanushka turn into a kid? Not a calf, not a foal …

The word goat has various connotations. In Christianity, the goat is a symbol of the devil: in the Middle Ages, the latter was depicted as a goat or a man with a goat's beard, horns and hooves.

The use of this term when describing a man is usually associated with his destructive internal tendencies: aggressiveness, stupidity, stubbornness. It is these features that Ivanushka demonstrates when Alyonushka persuades him not to drink from the hoof. However, Ivanushka does not hear his sister's reasonable arguments. He turns into a kid, that is, a little goat, personifying activity, restlessness, childish stubbornness.

Another symbolism of the goat is also interesting. The Jewish "scapegoat" acted as a symbol of redemption. "Loaded" with other people's sins, such a goat was taken out into the wild desert area, where he died, taking away the sins and misdeeds accumulated over the year.

It is this symbolism that is interesting in the context of the analysis of codependent relationships in a couple. It is easy to blame the "goat" for all sins, to make a "scapegoat" - after all, he deserves punishment and exile. However, he is then granted forgiveness and the relationship continues. However, such "forgiveness" is not final - at any opportunity, he is reminded of "goat" behavior. The "scapegoat" in such a pair, in fact, is neither forgiven nor released - he remains in the family loaded with his eternal and grievous sins without hope of redemption and forgiveness.

The mechanism for maintaining relationships in a couple where there is a codependent person is the formation of a sense of guilt. A codependent person constantly makes it clear to his partner that no matter how he behaves, he still remains a "goat". Feelings of guilt are quasi-glue for the second partner. It does not give him a chance for healing, driving into the pathological circle "good behavior - guilt - shame - breakdown - becoming a goat" and does not give him the opportunity to get out of the "goat" image.

Codependency in marriage

The pairs do not add up by chance. The theories of the choice of a marriage partner, examining the various factors that determine this choice, pay great attention to the ability of partners to meet the needs of each other. That is why so often complementary pairs are formed - one saves, and the other needs to be saved; one is unhappy, and the other comforts him; one needs help, and the other wants to help … This is how our heroine Alyonushka gets married.

Alyonushka's sacrifice is manifested in the fact that for the sake of her brother she is ready to marry the first person she meets. Being in her worries about Ivanushka's transformation into a kid, Alyonushka is confused and disorganized.

“At that time a merchant was driving by:

- What are you crying about, red maiden?

Alyonushka told him about her misfortune. The merchant says to her:

- Go marry me. I will dress you in gold and silver, and the kid will live with us.

Alyonushka thought, thought, and married the merchant."

Note that the merchant is also a representative of codependent individuals. Having met an unfamiliar girl in a difficult situation, he immediately turns on with his "rescue" part and offers her help. Normally, a couple needs to go through some period in order to get to know their partner better and decide whether to continue the relationship or reject the inappropriate candidate. However, "codependents" very quickly and without hesitation choose a suitable partner. In fact, it is a choice without a choice. Therefore, the merchant is immediately ready to take care of both Alyonushka and her brother.

It is also curious to imagine a picture: Alyonushka informs the merchant that this animal is actually not a goat, but her little brother. An ordinary person will doubt the adequacy of the message, try to check the normality of the person who talks about it. But the merchant, like Alyonushka, is in a different reality - in a reality where a goat can turn into a person. Distortion of reality, denial of existing difficulties and problems are vivid characteristics of the thinking of codependent people and typical defense mechanisms that support their picture of the world. When it is already clear to everyone around that an alcoholic (drug addict, pathological jealous person, a gambler) is a severely disturbed personality and disorganizes the life of a codependent partner, the latter remains the only one who believes in the possibility of a happy end to history. He says that he has not tried everything yet, that he has not tried enough, that there are still ways and means to help a partner "become human." Therefore, work with an addict should begin with the therapy of his closest environment - a codependent partner.

Fatal triangle

The phenomenon of codependent relationships is described in psychotherapy as the "Karpman triangle of power", or the triad "victim - rescuer - tyrant". Stefan Karpman, developing the ideas of Eric Berne, in 1968 showed that all the variety of roles that underlie the "games that people play" can be reduced to three main ones - the Rescuer, the Persecutor and the Victim. The triangle that unites these roles symbolizes both their connection and constant change. This triangle can be seen both interpersonal and intrapersonal. Each role position can be described using a set of feelings, thoughts and characteristic behaviors.

The victim is the one whose life is spoiled by the tyrant. The victim is unhappy, does not achieve what she could if she were released. She is forced to control the tyrant all the time, but she does not succeed well. Usually the victim suppresses his aggression, but it can manifest itself in the form of outbursts of rage or auto-aggression. To maintain the pathological relationship, the victim needs external resources in the form of help from a rescuer.

A tyrant is one who spoils the victim's life, while often believing that the victim is to blame and provoking him to "bad" behavior. He is unpredictable, not responsible for his life and needs the sacrificial behavior of another person to survive. Only the departure of the victim or a lasting change in his behavior can lead to a change in the tyrant.

The rescuer is an important part of the triangle, which gives “bonuses” to the victim in the form of support, participation, and various types of assistance. Without a lifeguard, this triangle would have disintegrated, since the victim would not have enough of his own resources to live with a partner. The rescuer also benefits from being involved in this project in the form of the victim's gratitude and a sense of his own omnipotence from being in the "top" position.

Let us analyze the triangle "Alyonushka - Ivanushka - merchant" from this point of view. The merchant is a typical lifeguard. He, like Alyonushka, is codependent. The merchant saves Alyonushka, who, in turn, saves Ivanushka, who is a victim of evil magic. Such a codependent couple in real life often organizes their marriage in such a way that the main goal and justification of their life together is salvation. In such families, the child often becomes an “identified patient”, allowing parents to provide long-term care and assistance to those who “disappear” without them. You can save relatives, neighbors, acquaintances, or even each other. In a stable family situation, when the role of a "rescuer" is unclaimed, such a couple is faced with the emptiness and meaninglessness of their existence. Rescue gives a codependent person a meaning in life, structures and maintains his identity, “plugs a hole in his I” (Amon). In this sense, an addict is an ideal match for a codependent person.

Karpman's triangle is a model showing how role positions can change. So, the merchant saves the victim - Alyonushka from the tyranny of the evil forces embodied in Ivanushka. But the merchant is at the same time a victim himself - he has to accept Ivanushka in the form of a goat. Alyonushka in this balance of power can act as a tyrant (causing the merchant to feel guilty for wanting to get rid of such a relative or wanting to kill a kid), and as a rescuer (with her boundless patience and devotion thanks to the merchant for his sacrifice). Ivanushka can also both save a couple, acting as a semantic element of the system, and destroy it.

The vagueness and at the same time the rigidity of these role positions leads us to understand the most important characteristic of the co-dependent personality: the loss of individual boundaries. So, Alyonushka marries a merchant, acquires a new social role - the role of a wife. However, her behavior does not change: "They began to live and live, and the kid lives with them, eats and drinks with Alyonushka from the same cup."

This behavior of Alyonushka is not accidental. In fact, she does not grow up, does not accept her new social status. Moreover, she brought her brother to her new family, who continues, as before, to eat and drink with her sister from the same cup. This is an example of a gross violation of family boundaries. I wonder what the merchant feels in this situation?

It can be assumed that he is angry with Ivanushka. However, nowhere in the tale is there any kind of aggression against him by the merchant. At best, it is pointless irritation, since he himself, being codependent, is not able to be sensitive to his aggression, or frequent absence from home as a way to escape from problems. This is a striking characteristic of the emotional sphere of a codependent personality. You can call it “selective alexithymia”. A codependent in the role of a rescuer and a victim rejects anger, irritation, his aggressiveness - socially disapproved feelings, while he is fully aware of compassion, sympathy, pity.

Another characteristic of the codependent personality is the constant experience of feelings of guilt. Guilt is a stopped aggression directed at oneself. You can often hear from codependents that it was their behavior that led to this situation. They also form guilt in addicts by blaming, reproaching, controlling, evaluating, and at the same time not letting go of them. If aggression helps to build boundaries, then guilt, on the contrary, leads to their erosion.

A natural question arises: why codependents cannot show their aggression? In our opinion, strong anger is blocked by an even stronger feeling - fear. The description of the experiences of codependents reflects the ideas of Otto Rank that we have already mentioned. Fear of separation, fear of loneliness, fear of rejection lead to an inability to express aggression. Being in a destructive relationship with someone is more bearable than being alone. For many codependents, the situation of loneliness, which is associated with the experience of abandonment, uselessness, rejection, is completely intolerable. Living their own lives, taking responsibility for themselves and their own choices is much more difficult for them than controlling and patronizing others.

Witch

However, aggression still has to find a way out - sometimes in an indirect and sometimes in a direct form. Aggression must necessarily manifest itself in some way, but the fear of the codependent person to destroy the relationship often leads to the choice of "indirect" ways of expressing it. Guilt and resentment act as ways to manage your anger. However, there is a moment in a fairy tale when aggression is expressed directly. It is associated with the appearance in history of such a character as a witch.

“Once the merchant was not at home. Out of nowhere, a witch comes: she stood under Alyonushkino's window and affectionately began to call her to swim in the river.

The witch led Alyonushka to the river. I threw myself at her, tied a stone around Alyonushka's neck and threw her into the water."

Again we are faced with a paradox. An unfamiliar woman comes to Alyonushka, calls her to swim, and she, without hesitation, agrees. Why? There can be only one answer - Alyonushka actually knows this person well. This person is herself. A witch in a fairy tale is a metaphor for Alyonushka's aggressive subpersonality.

We find confirmation of this hypothesis in the further text of the tale. The witch … “turned around Alyonushka, dressed up in her dress and came to her mansion. Nobody recognized the witch. The merchant returned - and he did not recognize."

The witch is Alyonushka herself, however, she is able to adequately dispose of her aggression. Therefore, no one noticed the "substitution" - with the environment, the witch behaves in the same way as before. Her behavior changed in relation to only one character: her beloved brother Ivanushka.

“One kid knew everything. He hung his head, does not drink, does not eat. In the morning and in the evening he walks along the shore near the water and calls:

- Alyonushka, my sister!

Swim out, swim out to the shore …

The witch found out about this and began to ask her husband: slaughter and slaughter the goat."

It seems that when the codependent has exhausted all the resources of patience, he allows his aggression to manifest and moves from the position of the victim to the position of the tyrant. However, the anger that has accumulated over a long time is so strong that it attacks the relationship with the addicted object. Driven to despair, Alyonushka is ready to "kill" her brother.

This part of the tale reflects aspects of reality associated with the readiness of the codependent person to symbolically kill his partner, first of all, to break off relations, to divorce, to part. The merchant acts as a reflection of the social environment that does not support the idea of "killing" relationships.

“The merchant felt sorry for the little goat, he got used to it. But the witch pesters so much, begs so, - there is nothing to do, the merchant agreed:

- Well, cut him …

The witch ordered to make high fires, to heat cast-iron cauldrons, to sharpen damask knives."

In the idea of a witch, only the aggressive part of it is emphasized. However, the witch is also wise, since the manifestation of aggression and building boundaries is the only way to get rid of addiction and codependency.

Violation of homeostasis in the system, associated with the manifestation of aggression against the addict, actualizes the actions of the latter to return the system to its previous equilibrium state. The addict tries to return the "rescuer", causing pity in the codependent.

“The little goat ran to the river, stood on the bank and shouted plaintively:

- Alyonushka, my sister!

Swim out, swim out to the shore.

The bonfires are burning high

Cast iron boilers, They sharpen damask knives, They want to stab me!"

In this situation, the codependent finds himself in a difficult situation. On the one hand, he has repeatedly found himself in such a trap with a known outcome. On the other hand, he is simply not able to refuse help to someone who needs him so badly.

Alyonushka tries to be firm and consistent. It seems that the relationship with Ivanushka really drained her patience. She answers Ivanushka from the river bottom:

“A heavy stone pulls to the bottom, Silk grass has tangled legs, Yellow sands lay on my chest."

These words are central to the codependent personality. This is a beautiful metaphor for the powerlessness that every rescuer experiences. Alyonushka is motionless. Her chest, symbolizing the emotional sphere, is compressed. Legs - support on one side, and on the other - a vehicle - tangled. Alyonushka is not free even now, despite the fact that she is trying to get rid of an intolerable relationship.

The question arises: what stops the witch? What prevents you from building boundaries and changing your life? What makes the codependent go around endlessly?

Fear of betrayal

One of the difficult and unbearable experiences for a codependent person is rejection and fear of being alone. Building relationships in a projective way, without having clear boundaries and feeling like a separate person, vaguely representing the desires and needs of his Self, the codependent loses energy and desire to rebuild relationships at the moment when he is faced with the need to abandon the Other. The codependent perceives the very fact of renunciation as a betrayal. It is easier for him to betray himself, to forget about his plans and dreams, to suppress his desires, than to really build boundaries with a partner.

The lack of boundaries is the inability to separate your experiences from the experiences of another. Hitting a partner makes the pain feel like your own. Nondifferentiation, the absence of a difference between "I" and "not-I" keeps the codependent from taking a decisive step. Therefore, without professional help, the codependent once again betrays himself, forgiving his partner and continuing to live as before. In addition, the inability to give up the other is supported (again projectively) by the idea of the inability of the other to “survive” without the codependent. Social introjects that are significant for the codependent, “shackling” rescuers hand and foot: “you cannot leave the weak”, “he will disappear without me”, “I am forever responsible for my partner” are firmly “soldered” into his image of I. These introjects support disability of rescued subjects who continue their lives next to the rescuer. As a result, the high “mission of the rescuer” gives superiority and moral justification “to endure all the hardships and hardships of life together”. Periodic feelings of sacrifice in their behavior are compensated by moral superiority from the position of the rescuer or the support of rescuers from the external environment.

The resolution of the crisis in the relationship, described in the tale, is typical for the functioning of the family system with codependency. As soon as society finds out that Alyonushka is going to leave Ivanushka, he begins to “save” Ivanushka, reviving the old kind, accepting and forgiving Alyonushka.

“They gathered the people, went to the river, threw silk nets and dragged Alyonushka to the shore. They removed the stone from her neck, dipped her into spring water, dressed her in an elegant dress. Alyonushka came to life and became more beautiful than she was."

Indeed, without professional help and support, the codependent quickly reverts to habitual patterns of behavior. The social environment, in words supporting the exit of the codependent personality from the relationships that destroy it, in reality often tries to return the system to its previous homeostasis, since a change in these relationships will lead to the need to change the interaction in the entire social environment of partners.

The codependent person experiences both internal difficulties associated with differentiation from a partner, and external difficulties due to explicit or latent pressure from society. The codependent finds it unbearable to meet aggression - both from his own and from the Other. Therefore, without external support, a return to the previous situation is inevitable.

So, Alyonushka turned into a tyrant - a witch and began to pursue Ivanushka - a victim. However, kind rescuers from outside quickly returned the system to its former status quo - they extracted the subpersonality of “kind sister Alyonushka,” full of guilt and shame, and tried to get rid of the witch. It is deeply regrettable that in the fairy tale "the witch was tied to a horse's tail and allowed into an open field." Attempting to kill a witch is a metaphor for suppressing aggression. Alyonushka did not manage to break out of the (vicious? Or what other?) Circle of codependent relationships.

Ode to aggression

In the ordinary mind, aggression is seen as one of the most serious social vices. Aggression is “motivated destructive behavior that contradicts the norms of coexistence of people, harming targets of attack, causing physical harm to people or causing them psychological discomfort” (Wikipedia). However, we note that there are discrepancies in the etymology of the word "aggression". In the first version, a hypothesis is put forward about the origin of the word "aggression" from the Latin "aggressio" - attack. Supporters of the second believe that the word aggredi (aggressive) is derived from adgradi, which literally means ad - on, gradus - step. According to this version, aggression is associated with movement in the direction of some object, a kind of offensive. Thus, in the original version, being aggressive meant "moving towards the target without delay, without fear or doubt."

Obviously, it is necessary to distinguish between constructive and destructive aggression. For example, A. Langle distinguishes two functions in aggression - psychodynamic, protective, preserving vitality, and an existential component. The ability to cope with life's tasks is inextricably linked to the state of vitality. If a person does not have enough energy and strength, he often does not cope with these tasks and reacts in the only available way - aggression.

These types of aggression are clearly demonstrated by the example of Alyonushka. As long as she copes with stress and problems, as long as she has the strength, she patiently takes care of her brother. But when her needs are chronically frustrated, she becomes depleted, ceases to be a “good sister,” and begins to use aggression as a way to restore her boundaries. The need to be yourself, to be the author of your life plan, to have protected relationships with significant people is often an unacceptable luxury for a codependent individual. Then aggression becomes the only opportunity to restore the integrity of one's own I in the context of the logic of one's own life, and not only as a mechanism for performing certain functions for (or instead of) another. That is why, in psychotherapy of a codependent personality, the most important role belongs to the restoration of the ability to healthy, constructive aggressiveness.

It is clear from the tale that Alyonushka, as a codependent person, uses such protection as splitting. Alyonushka in cleavage represents two different people. One part of Alyonushka is a kind, loving, adoptive sister, a good wife, and, which is very important, is almost a corpse lying at the bottom and can only say that he cannot do anything. Another part of her is a lively, energetic, active witch who knows what she wants and, accordingly, what she does not want. These two people in Alyonushka are a metaphor for two elements. One is Alyonushka like water (in which she is with a stone, a dog on her chest and legs tangled in grass), ready to take any shape and not having her own I. The other is Alyonushka like fire, in which she is ready to cook Ivanushka. The challenge with every codependent individual is that it is impossible to be both supportive and aggressive at the same time. "Switching" from a good sister to an evil witch and back is evidence of an unintegrated identity. Acceptance of one's "evil" part and the search for an adequate way to manage aggression is the only path to integrity for a codependent personality.

Codependent personality therapy

Codependent therapy is a therapy for growing up. The origins of codependency, as we noted earlier, lie in early childhood. The therapist must remember that he is working with a client who, in terms of his psychological age, corresponds to a child of 2-3 years of age. Consequently, the tasks of therapy will be determined by the tasks of development, characteristic of this age period. A therapy with clients such as Alyonushka can be viewed as a project of “nurturing” a client, which can be metaphorically represented as a mother-child relationship. This idea is not new. Even D. Winnicott wrote that in “therapy we try to imitate a natural process that characterizes the behavior of a particular mother and her child. … it is the mother-baby pair that can teach us the basic principles of working with children whose early communication with their mother was “not good enough” or was interrupted.” (Winnicott D. W.)

The main goal of therapy with clients like Alenushka is to create conditions for the “psychological birth and development of one's own“I”, which is the basis for his psychological autonomy. To do this, it is necessary to solve a number of tasks in psychotherapy: restoring boundaries, gaining sensitivity, primarily to aggression, contact with one's needs and desires, teaching new models of independent behavior.

Difficulties in the psychotherapy of codependents usually begin from the moment they turn to a psychotherapist. Most often, a codependent client comes to “complain” about his dependent partner. The task of the psychotherapist at this stage of therapy is to "switch" the focus of attention from the partner to the client. It is necessary to explain to the client that in the problems, the cause of which, in his opinion, is the dependent partner, there are also his contributions and psychotherapy will be carried out with him, and not with the addict. At this stage of therapy, the client's resistance is possible due to non-recognition of his authorship in the problems declared for therapy. Consequently, at this stage, much attention in therapy should be paid to the psychological education of the client in the field of codependent relationships.

Another phenomenon that the therapist will have to face at the initial stage of therapy is the role of the Rescuer, with which the client identifies himself. The image of the client contains a fairly strong introject about his mission as a Rescuer, which results in projective fantasies about the partner's inability to survive without him. Because of this, the image of the Codependent Self is split into a number of polarities - the Rescuer and the Rescued, the Good and the Evil, the Good and the Bad, etc. Polarity The Rescuer (Good, Good) is accepted by the codependent and he is easily identified with it. At the same time, the polarity of the Saved (Evil, Bad) is rejected and ultimately projected onto the addict.

In the analyzed tale, Alyonushka identifies herself with the Rescuer, and all the rejected parts of her I are presented in the image of the Witch. The task of therapy is to integrate the split self-image, for which it is necessary to work on the awareness of their rejected parts and their acceptance. In dealing with these types of clients, the first step is to acknowledge the powerlessness of the Rescuer. Having ceased to save the Other, the codependent thereby ceases to "invalidate" him. The recognition of one's own powerlessness for the salvation of the Other leads to the realization that one must save oneself. The successful completion of this stage is the creation of a working alliance between the therapist and the client with the latter's willingness to work in psychotherapy to restore their I, their relationships and their life in general.

The challenge the therapist will face in this work is the client's strong resistance, which is caused by fear. This is the fear of rejection and, as a result, loneliness due to the presentation of the unacceptable parts of your I, and first of all, your aggression to a loved one. Fear is deeply rooted in childhood and is rooted in the lack of acceptance of the client by parental figures. This is the traumatic experience of rejecting a client in early childhood in response to attempts to assert themselves - their desires, needs, feelings. The inability of parents to accept a child in various manifestations that they do not always approve of, their inability to withstand the aggression that inevitably accompanies any aspirations for the development of autonomy, lead to the suppression of these attempts, which ultimately leads to the impossibility of the psychological birth of a child.

The client's codependency, as already noted, has its origins in early childhood and is the result of the emotional problems of his parents, who are unable to accept the “bad” aspects of their I - thoughts, feelings, desires, and identify with the image of ideal, holy parents. As a result, these unacceptable properties are projected onto the child. John Bowlby, in his book Creating and Breaking Emotional Ties, gives an accurate description of these processes. He writes “… there is nothing more harmful to a relationship than when one party attributes its own failures to the other, making it the scapegoat (author's italics). Unfortunately, babies and young children are great scapegoats because they are so open about all the sins that their flesh inherits: they are selfish, jealous, overly sexual, sloppy and prone to hot temper, stubbornness and greed. A parent who bears the burden of guilt for one or another of these shortcomings tends to become unreasonably intolerant of such manifestations in his child”(Bowlby, pp. 31-32). A similar point of view is adhered to by Gunther Ammon, believing that “… the structural damage to the child's self is accompanied by unconscious protection from his needs by the parents, which manifests itself in the form of rigid prohibitions, fear of sexuality. Parents who, due to their own unconscious fear of instincts, are unable to understand the child's needs and support them when they begin to be recognized by the child and differentiate are the very parents who are unable to adequately fulfill the function of an external auxiliary self in relation to the child. (Amon)

The use of the parent-child metaphor in the psychotherapy of codependent clients allows us to define a strategy for working with them. The psychotherapist should be non-judgmental and accepting of the various manifestations of the client's self. This makes special demands on the therapist's awareness and acceptance of his rejected aspects of the self, his ability to withstand the manifestations of various feelings, emotions and states of the client, first of all, his aggression. Working out destructive aggression makes it possible to get out of pathogenic symbiosis and delimit one's own identity (Ammon)

The following quote from John Bowlby, in our opinion, eloquently and accurately reflects the strategy of working with a codependent client: “Nothing helps a child more than the ability to express hostile and jealous feelings frankly, directly and spontaneously, and I believe that there is no more significant task a parent than being able to accept such expressions of a child's insolence as "I hate you mommy" or "daddy you are a brute." By withstanding these outbursts of anger, we show our children that we are not afraid of their hatred and are confident that it can be controlled; in addition, we provide the child with an atmosphere of tolerance in which his self-control can grow.”- Bowlby. By replacing the words “child and parent” with “client and therapist”, we get a model of a therapeutic relationship in working with codependent clients.

The therapeutic contact at the first stage of the work will be characterized by positive transference reactions of the client - admiration, willingness to listen and follow the therapist's prescriptions … These reactions are derived from the “good” part of the client's I,determined by the fear of rejection and the desire to earn the love of the parent therapist. Countertransference reactions will most often be contradictory - the desire to care for the client, to empathize with him, to support him and the feeling of falsehood in the reactions of the client trying to be “good”.

The therapist will have to put in a lot of effort to build trust before he allows himself to frustrate the client. The appearance in contact at the next stage of work of counterdependent tendencies with aggressive reactions towards the therapist - negativism, aggression, depreciation - should be welcomed in every possible way. The client has a real opportunity to receive in therapy the experience of manifesting his "bad" part without receiving rejection and devaluation. This new experience of accepting oneself as a significant Other will become the basis for accepting oneself, which will serve as a condition for building healthy relationships with clear boundaries. At this stage of therapy, the therapist needs to stock up on a capacious "container" for storing the client's negative feelings.

A separate important part of the therapeutic work should be devoted to the client's acquisition of self-sensitivity and integration. For codependent clients, as already mentioned, selective alexithymia will be characteristic - unawareness and rejection of the rejected aspects of their I - feelings, desires, thoughts. As a result, the codependent, according to Amun's definition, has a "structural narcissistic defect", which manifests itself in the existence of a "defect of the boundaries of the self" or "holes of the self". Symptoms of codependent behavior, according to Amon, can be viewed as an attempt to fill and compensate for the narcissistic deficit that arose during the formation of the boundaries of the self, and thus maintain the integration of the personality. I. The task of therapy at this stage of work will be awareness and acceptance of the rejected aspects of the Self, which will help to "fill in the holes" in the Self of the codependent client. The discovery of the positive potential of negative feelings is the client's invaluable insights in this work, and their acceptance is a condition for the integration of his self-image and his identity.

The criterion for successful therapeutic work is the emergence of a codependent client's own desires, the discovery of new feelings in himself, the experience of new qualities of his I, on which he can rely, as well as the ability to remain alone.

An important point in the therapy of codependents is the orientation in work not towards the symptoms of codependent behavior, but towards the development of its identity. It is important to remember that the Other performs a structure-forming function that gives the codependent a sense of the integrity of his I and, in general, the meaning of life. Franz Alexander spoke of the "emotional gap" that remains in the patient after the symptom is removed. He also stressed the dangers of psychotic disintegration that may follow. This "emotional gap" just denotes a "hole in the I", a structural deficit in the border of the patient's I, therefore, the goal of therapy should be to assist the patient in the formation of a functionally effective border of the I, which, in the end, makes unnecessary codependent behavior that replaces or protects such a border I.

The psychotherapy of a codependent client is a long-term project. It is believed that its duration is calculated at the rate of one month of therapy for each client's year. Why is this therapy taking so long? The answer is obvious - this is therapy not for a specific problem of a person, but for his image of himself, Others and the World. Successful therapy leads to a qualitative change in all of the above components of the worldview. The world becomes different for the healed client.

In the life of codependents, there is no experience of real relationships with people: trusting, with acceptance, with clear boundaries. Codependent individuals build their relationship not with a real person, but with their ideal projection of this person. It is not surprising that the Meeting of two people does not take place. The person with whom they have a relationship usually turns out to be completely different from what the codependent draws him. Then indignation and attempts to change it to suit your image are inevitable. The codependent's partner experiences mixed and conflicting feelings, from a sense of their own grandeur to wild rage. The therapist experiences similar feelings in contact with a codependent. Sometimes he feels omnipotent, sometimes he becomes powerless, and, as a result, attacks of anger towards the client.

Therapy in connection with the above is relationship therapy, therapy at the contact between therapist and client, therapy in which Encounter is possible. This is a meeting of the client with a real Other - a person, a therapist, and not with his ideal projective image. And, what is important, this is a Meeting with your new Self and the new World.

Forecast

The tale, despite the seemingly successful ending, in fact illustrates an unfortunate outcome of the development of events: healing from codependency did not happen. Alyonushka did not receive the support of her aggressive part, since, unfortunately, there was no accepting and supportive person nearby. Her husband, a merchant, cannot be such, since he himself is most likely codependent, as evidenced by his actions previously described by us. Another confirmation of this hypothesis can be the axiom that couples form partners that are similar in terms of the level of the structural organization of the personality.

So, according to the tale, after the rescue of Alyonushka, "the little goat with joy threw over his head three times and turned into a boy Ivanushka." But this is a good ending to the tale. In a non-fairytale reality, this is just the completion of the next cycle of codependent relationships, after which the system will again return to the beginning. After all, Ivanushka did not mature - he turned into a boy again. A boy who can only endure stress for a very short time, unable to take responsibility for his life, to achieve delayed goals … His psychological age does not change, and when he once again turns into a goat, Alyonushka will again need endurance, patience, and the skill of suppressing aggression. After all, Ivanushka is only able to be a good boy for a very short period, and after a while he will meet another hoof on his way. Alyonushka, although in fact she is an adult, psychologically represents a child of about the same age as Ivanushka: these are children 2-3 years old. It is obvious that the integration of I Alyonushka in such a situation is impossible.

If we consider another outcome - Ivanushka will miraculously heal and leave Alyonushka, then she and her husband will face the loss of the meaning of their existence. They will inevitably meet with explicit or latent depression, psychosomatization and try to organize their lives in a familiar codependent way. In this situation, the restrained energy of codependent relationships in the absence of a "scapegoat" - dependent Ivanushka, will inevitably destroy partners. The system-forming factor of the symptom in such a family is the ability to again turn into a “rescuer - victim” pair. The most likely outcome in such a situation will be either a severe chronic illness of one of the partners, or alcoholism or another form of addiction.

Therefore, it is important not to kill, but to revive the inner witch, which in the fairy tale is a metaphor for a multifaceted inner world. A real person, unlike a saint, understands who he is, what he wants to achieve, what he must accept, and makes his choices, relying on different resources of his Self, which it is useless to divide into “good” and “bad”.

This article is taken from the book "Fairy stories through the eyes of a psychotherapist", co-authored with Natalia Olifirovich and recently published by the Rech publishing house, St. Petersburg.

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