Maturity Is The Willingness To Hear "no"

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Recently, I have come across information about what it means to be a mature person, in what psychological features emotional maturity is manifested, and what it means to be a child. When discussing this topic, they emphasize the opportunity to build relationships and achieve success in work, to realize their creative potential.

I would add that an important characteristic of a mature personality is the ability to deal with rejection

One of the tasks of development is the ability to say "no" to others, to defend one's interests, to refuse

that does not bring joy or is contrary to interests. Many trainings are devoted to the ability to say “no”, because sometimes people need time to learn to refuse others and not feel bad and uncomfortable at the same time.

But an equally important task in the development of a mature personality is the willingness to be on the other side, that is, to hear “no”, to your expectations and requests. "No" people tell us, "No" life itself tells us.

I will tell you a wonderful parable about this

“Little Martin dreamed of a bicycle and on Christmas Eve decided to turn to God to give him such a gift. Martin's mother heard his prayer and was upset, knowing that their family did not have the money for such a gift. At Christmas, when the boy did not get what his mother wanted, sympathetically, she asked him:

- Probably, you are very offended by God, because he did not answer your prayer?

- No, I'm not offended. Because he answered my prayer. He told me no.

In situations where "no" is perceived as punishment, forces and vital energy are blocked, a person refuses to perceive failures as a natural part of life, and begins to walk in a circle of all kinds of "why?" and "for what?"

"No" is present in every moment of life: we hear a refusal in love, friendship, in our dreams and goals that we set for ourselves.

There are several types of a person's reaction to a refusal to meet his needs:

- I am bad and therefore they refused me, which means that I will not ask anyone else.

- I did not deserve what I want, I need to atone for my guilt and maybe then everything will work out.

- The world is bad and it does not have what I need, so there is no point in looking.

- I will look further, no matter what, and still get my way.

The last point seems to be the most enjoyable, but it can also hide an immature way of behavior. It is good when a person is able to be purposeful and achieve goals without being traumatized by failures, but it is bad when the desire to get what you want turns into an obsessive repetition of "give", like a child demanding a toy. If the inability to hear “no” turns into an obsessive attempt to enter the same closed door, you should think about your ability to accept reality.

When I talk to people in my office or outside, I often find myself thinking that life would be much easier if people accepted that not everything in this world is available. And this is neither bad nor good, it is just a fact.

The habit of hearing refusal is formed in childhood, when we hear the first "No" and "You mustn't." This is an absolutely inevitable part of the process of the child's development and comprehension of external norms, rules, boundaries of what is permitted and possible. First, we hear a refusal in our family and the immediate environment, then in kindergarten, at school. This is the time when we are encouraged to obey and accept "No" unconditionally. This is the period of childhood, while adults are responsible for us. And if a child grows up in a supportive environment, then in his life "Yes" and "Can" fully compensate for the grief. In this case, the child comprehends external restrictions as a framework, boundaries of the territory of what is permitted in a given situation, and not as an offense, punishment, or a message that he is being rejected. And, once in adulthood, he will quite successfully cope with his feelings in a situation of rejection.

And this raises the question of what it means to "cope successfully." This does not mean that unpleasant feelings are completely absent. This means that they do not block the vitality of a person, do not drive him into a depressive state and do not arrange a collapse of his own dignity. Refusal, although it causes negative feelings, should exist in the context of "life goes on!". But the loss of this feeling is really a psychological problem that needs to be addressed.

If we talk about the ability to accept “No” in a mature way, then the concept of “Stability” or “Rootedness”, as an internal support, is more appropriate. Of course, there are situations of particular importance for each person, the refusal of which will be perceived as the strongest stress. This mainly happens when a person narrows his life to one single "want". If the situation in which the refusal is received is part of the multifaceted life of a person, then even if it sways like a tree in a hurricane, the roots will help to survive.

We are not born with a contract in hand to get everything we want.

Nobody promises that life will be cloudless.

The only guarantee we have at birth is life itself. In principle, nothing but a beating heart and the opportunity to see the world are promised to us.

The infantile position is to look at the world as a big breast, in which there should always be enough milk.

While life is an unknown road to travel.

“No” is always the answer. An answer from which you can build on and make decisions about the future direction

Illustrations: Artist Wolfgang Stiller. Series of works - People of the match.