Willingness To Set Boundaries. Not Ready, Don't

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Willingness to set boundaries

How to lay out a brick wall.

Here I will not talk about the psychological boundaries themselves, as a phenomenon, nor their types.

Let me just remind you that

Personality boundaries - these are the boundaries separating a person, his inner world from the outer world. The functioning of a person in a social space directly depends on his ability to build regulated boundaries that determine the specifics of the interaction of a person with the world

The psychological space of an individual, like any sovereign territory, presupposes both the presence of borders and their protection.

Since I assume that the majority already have knowledge about the boundaries themselves, as my clients, who come for a consultation for the first time, also have this knowledge, but also many of them experience insurmountable difficulties to set these very boundaries in their lives. Perhaps you have them too. Then this article is for you.

We will talk about one very important point that always lies between the knowledge of the boundaries and the beginning of their active application in life.

The inability to apply the knowledge gained in real life is due to the simple reason for the lack of readiness

Psychological readiness, as a triggering mechanism for any activity, in the construction of psychological boundaries determines their effectiveness at the very beginning.

As the well-known statement goes, "the main thing is to start." For clarity, I will do this with a specific example.

Description of the situation:

Wife is 25 years old, she is not married, she has a mother who lives in the same entrance as Zhenya's apartment. Mom is prone to constant control of Zhenya's life, her interests, relationships with other people, etc.

Zhenya herself feels trapped in her mother's care, wants to get out of her control, she read everything on the topic of borders, knows everything, but she cannot resist her mother. Makes a decision, says "no" to some mother's suggestions, but then everything returns to "normal".

Zhenya has knowledge. There is even a general understanding of what needs to be done, but absolutely not readiness to constant action and construction. As in the picture above - brick by brick. This is a long process, where each previous action is the basis for the next.

So, what does Zhenya need so that the next beginning does not immediately become the end.

The constituents readiness to set boundaries:

1. Motivational and semantic component

- Consciousness of choice. Not from time to time, but constant and stable. Day after day, in each situation, choose your own, not your mother's opinion. If there are doubts and hesitations, then it is better to resolve them, otherwise they will always drag back into compromise;

- A positive attitude towards their decisions, point of view, opinions. Self-approval in general and in particular. Positive approval strengthens desire, enhances the emotional component, increases the significance of change;

- Long-term motivation (loyalty to the chosen goal and constancy of actions);

- Interest in the result (in Zhenya's case, this is a future independent life, not controlled by his mother).

2. Cognitive component

- The initial level of existing knowledge on the topic. In our case, on the topic "Borders" (physical, emotional, financial, communication, territorial, time; internal and external boundaries), which allows to adequately perceive, comprehend and make decisions.

3. Operational component

- Possession of methods of constructive communication, "I" statements;

- Skills to resist manipulation.

4. Autopsychological component

- Knowledge of their own characteristics that directly affect a specific process. In our case, these are "boundaries with mom". The wife's features that affect the construction of borders: she does not know how to wake up by an alarm clock (my mother always woke up, going up to her floor; she does not like to clean the apartment (how she will act if she refuses mother's help), etc.);

- A realistic assessment of your level of preparedness. Ability to carry out self-regulation, "noise immunity" (to withstand mom's hysteria in response to refusal, condemnation of relatives, fear of loneliness when mom will not be around all the time, independent decision-making when there is no external pressure, etc.);

- Understanding and accepting responsibility (cases of failures, rollbacks, disappointments);

- Ability to withstand routine, constancy, to see the goal behind the difficulties.

This is not a complete list of required components. "Readiness to set boundaries"

It is for the reason Unavailability information taken from articles on the Internet does not work for specific people.

Trying to repeat other people's actions, knowing and understanding everything, both Zhenya and other people are unable to protect themselves from the control of loved ones, to resist manipulation and violence, abuse, gaslighting.

I often tell my clients: not ready - don't do it.

Check your psychological readiness - this requires time and the help of a psychologist or a group of people who have gone through the whole process in practice.

In conclusion, I would like to once again emphasize the importance of readiness with such an example:

It often happens that, inspired by an article, by the example of other people, a person takes action on emotions. In particular, the mother begins to limit the child's stay in social networks within reason, because she heard how cool it is with other members of the therapy group.

She decisively comes home and from the doorway declares to her son that now there will be her rules. Turns off the Internet, endures the child's hysterical reaction, go to the bathroom to cry, his nerves could not stand it. Defends. The next day, a lot of work, comes home late, completely forgets about yesterday's decision.

Remembers a week later at the next group. All repeats.

These are not boundaries. This is not a rule. This is arbitrariness and chaos.

There was knowledge as it should, there were emotions "oh, how great, I want it too."