2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
For some time now I have found that for me one very popular expression has lost its meaning. This is “self-confidence” (and its related “self-belief”). Because it is very abstract, it is not clear what it means. “I need to become self-confident” or “I lack self-confidence” - what does this mean? They talk about confident behavior. But what is the surety of the person who behaves this way? When you begin to concretize this abstraction, you discover anything you want - but not this "belief in yourself." You can be confident in your attractiveness to the opposite sex. Confident that they have the skills they need to succeed. Confidence in success in the end
Besides, the very word “confidence” sounds very unreliable to me. Compare: “I am confident that I have all the necessary qualities / resources to succeed” and “I know that I have all the necessary qualities / resources”. "I am confident in my attractiveness to men" and "I know that I can be attractive to men." To me, “I know” sounds more confident than “I’m sure,” paradoxical as it may seem. Because belief in something is essentially based not on actual reality, but on the conviction that something should be this way and not otherwise (“faith” and “faithful” are related words). Why should it be so? Self-confidence in this situation is the confidence that I am always right? Why on earth?
Therefore, "confidence" is so easily shaken, and several unsuccessful attempts to do something can completely grind it into powder. The actual reality turns out to be inconsistent with the "correct" reality, and the detection of this often hits very hard. I will say even more: the experience of uncertainty at the beginning of any new business (new acquaintance) is completely natural and adequate, because a new one is, by definition, unknown, and we do not yet have ready-made templates for action. Uncertainty is at the heart of any development because the process and the outcome are unpredictable; confidence is just based on the idea that nothing unexpected will happen, I have “already passed everything more than once” and “I have foreseen everything” (ie all my actions are correct and will lead to success).
In general, I am a rather insecure and anxious person. I have a lot of doubts, hesitations, fear when something completely new is coming. To abstract “self-confidence”, I personally prefer “willingness to take risks,” which implies the ability to be close to your insecurity, to withstand it - and to act the way you want. And how can you withstand her uncertainty, not give up what you want?
If there was someone who could give us a 100% guarantee of success, then there would be no room for hesitation. After all, people are not afraid of novelty or risk as such, but of defeat, the likelihood of which increases with novelty. It is the fear of failure that destroys the willingness to take risks, and the presence of "correct and proven ways" give confidence that it will be possible to avoid unbearable negative experiences and get a share of pleasant ones. Give guarantees - and I promise you that there will be no more confident person than me (just convince me that these guarantees are really 100%, not 99) … But if failure is very difficult, if often accompanying it is shame, humiliation, guilt, sadness, despair reaches the threshold of intolerance, poisoning the body and soul - then no mantras "I can!" will not save, as well as any attempts to calm oneself after defeat, like “I didn't really want to” or “but I can do this!”.
Why do failures and failures become so terrible that people are willing to abandon them in favor of more "confident" paths, or are waiting for guarantees in order to become "confident" (and having these guarantees, it seems to me, is the only way to find this)? I think this is because we often lack the ability to be self-sustaining. That is, in a difficult moment for yourself, not to turn away from your pain, but to admit it - and be near. Often people do one of two things, each of which makes the experience toxic, that is, intolerable:
A) Try to devalue or ignore the experience. “No, I’m not offended at all”, “no, I’m not afraid”, “stop grieving, pull yourself together”, “I already have everything I need, I’m mad with fat”…. Ignoring reality, ignoring knowledge about my real and actual state turns into the fact that avoiding this knowledge (I am offended, I am afraid, I grieve, I am disappointed, I am discouraged …) becomes a habitual behavior.
B) To the existing experience (grief, fear, shame …) add such self-hatred. Have you failed? This is because your hands are growing out of your ass. Are you scared? Coward.
Remember, perhaps, from childhood experience, what comforted you the most when you felt bad? And what, on the contrary, intensified the pain, “painting” it with additional shades of shame, humiliation, guilt? I remember how one boy fell off his bike and hit his knee in front of me. Dad who jumped up at first barked "where were you looking at ?!" (action "B"), and then added this: "that's it, stop roaring!" And I remember how I myself in childhood and my daughters are now consoled by something completely different: the recognition of their pain and the resolution of this pain to be. “You fell off the bike, it hurts and hurts, right? I understand this is very unpleasant … ".
In childhood, we really need the experience of experiencing defeat or failure, when close people do not turn away from us, but simply are nearby - and do not interrupt living and awareness of what happened. They do not turn away and do not shut up. Then we learn not to turn away from ourselves and do not strengthen real feelings from the fact that something in this world is not going the way we would like, also by the feeling of our own “wrongness”. The most touching moments in sports for me are not the triumph of the winners, but when the defeated come up to their fans - and they do not turn away from them shouting "losers!" anyway, and thank you for fighting! "… And they do not shout" you are the best !!! " - it's not true, someone else turned out to be the best today. They say: "We are with you anyway" …
How often do many people lack this internal team of fans who, at the moments of our most difficult fall and humiliation, remain by their side - and experience failure together … uncertainty. Belief in yourself, for that matter, is the knowledge / feeling that you can accept, live any result of your actions - and not destroy yourself in case of failure. Even in the event of a series of failures.
As I write these lines, I am not at all sure that this article will be liked, will collect a lot of responses, likes, and so on. I don't have the technology of "writing hits with confidence." And I don't know what the response will be. But if I am ready to face any experience, then I can post it on my blog, facebook or wherever. If there is a response, it will definitely please me and a little joyful. A little - because, after all, this is not the first article … If there is no response, I will definitely be sad, it will be a pity that what is important and interesting for me has not responded to others. But it seems that in this case I have already managed to create a team of my own fans, my own supporting “internal object”, and I am not afraid. And today I will take a chance …
Recommended:
Loss And Grief. Article For Victims And Helpers, Self-help And Therapy
Loss and grief. Article for victims and helpers, self-help and therapy The article was written both for people experiencing loss, supporting loved ones, and for representatives of helping professions. Death, divorce, termination of relationships, social and financial "
We Are So Afraid That Death Will Take The Child From Us, That We Take His Life
Today I want to talk about something that is difficult and I don’t really want to think about. There is a shadow side to the desire to protect children and take care of them, about their safety, health, morality, and future. A session of black magic followed by exposure How else to describe the effect of the article in Novaya Gazeta, which shocked many Russian parents, about teenage suicides?
Self-isolation Stress And Anxiety / How To Survive An Epidemic / Self-regulation And Self-management
Quite recently, as if yesterday, it seemed to me that this topic is relevant for people experiencing health problems. Personally, I used these techniques for clients for whom stress is contraindicated for medical reasons, so an attempt to delve into the causes of a stressful situation could lead to additional exacerbations of the underlying disease, and there was only one thing left - teaching self-regulation techniques.
Self-criticism, Self-support, Self-acceptance
Self-criticism, self-support, self-acceptance - these are the steps in script therapy that mean learning the skill of self-love. The article aims to show psychologists how you can go this way in the therapy of low self-esteem and self-denial.
IVF And Oncology: Risks And Myths
IVF and oncology: risks and myths . Working as a family psychologist for 27 years, I regularly deal with the topic of in vitro fertilization (IVF). Over the years, the procedure has evolved from a piece and elite procedure to a massive and generally available one.
