2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Any codependent behavior comes down to one simple question - it is a question of a person's personal boundaries. How we were taught to feel and recognize determines our future life, and how we build relationships.
If in our family the boundaries of personality were violated in every possible way - both openly and covertly, we will also behave in any other relationship. After all, we had no other example.
I want to talk about processes in a relationship that can be hidden and little recognizable, but which collectively greatly affect how we feel when approaching another.
If physical violence, rudeness, rudeness, open conflict can be seen a mile away (and here everything is clear: there is some kind of crisis in the relationship, an abscess, it is important to do something with it), then there are manipulations that are not visible, and from this we can suffer much more.
We are talking about a codependent relationship, which assumes at its base the relationship of two very vulnerable and immature individuals who can survive only in conjunction with each other.
If we are talking about a person who is healthy, whole (as far as possible for a person, because we all have our own wounds), then such a person will be sensitive to any breaking of boundaries - both bright, apparently, and illegal - hidden.
So, the ways in which we can manipulate each other if we feel bad about ourselves and our boundaries:
1. When another is bad, you need to urgently help him
You may be tempted to do it yourself, or you may feel that others are treating you this way. And if at this moment you are somehow emotionally vulnerable, not in a resource and in need of support, this kind of intervention can be very gratifying. Yes Yes. After all, it is so pleasant for someone to alleviate suffering, or vice versa - to be the one to whom they are alleviated. Moreover, without a request or appeal, and so - by itself, like magic!
However, there is a trap here.
The one who helps begins to feel the undivided power over the one whom he helps. According to the law of complement, the one who is being helped begins to feel deep gratitude and, in a way, the feeling that he is in captivity. Although sweet captivity …
Naturally, none of this couple makes it clear what exactly the other needs, whether this other wants this or that. Everything is simply done, without clarification. But inevitably (yes, this is inevitable!) After some time, some severity appears - for both one and the other. The first partner gets bored (you need to control all the time so that everything is fine with the other, and this is very burdensome), the second is scary and even terrible (after all, he can be abandoned at any moment, break down and move away, leaving him alone. already got used to it!).
If people have impaired sensitivity, they will not be able to recognize these aspects and in time to notice their own boundaries and responsibilities. For my life - in the first place. And leave responsibility for the life of a partner to himself.
How not to fall into this trap
Here, the most effective way is your feelings. Everything that you can recognize - even a headache, even a feeling that "something is wrong", even just a slight intoxication in your head. Sometimes - a sharp desire to drink, smoke or eat (when, in general, he is full). Usually in people with codependent patterns, feelings are dull, they hardly recognize them. Therefore, one should focus on bodily sensations. If you find a lingering confusion (or that "something is wrong") - immediately pause in all processes. Do not accept help and do not provide it. Pause. And ask yourself: what am I going through at the moment? What annoys me? What do I want it to be? What do I want not to be? It is important to bring yourself back to yourself - by any means.
2. We were so close to each other - as one. And in a moment everything was gone
Counterdependent people are the same addicts, only counter:). That is, with a minus sign. They do not "stick" to the object of dependence, they are abruptly "pulled out" of contact with another, as soon as they sense that they are losing the sense of themselves. This has nothing to do with personal freedom, but only to try to get rid of the fear of absorption by running the required distance.
But inside they are as important as affection and closeness, like all people. Rather, it is even very important. They strive with all their souls for her, and with all their souls they are frightened. They are so contradictory …
Therefore, on the one hand, they are desperately looking for someone warm, gentle and accepting, on the other, they desperately run away from him as soon as they begin to receive the long-awaited tenderness and love.
Paradoxical, sad, sad. But it's a fact.
If there is a person nearby with a tendency to codependent forms of behavior (persecution addict), then the abrupt disappearance of the counterdependent partner will cause severe pain. And the codependent will start desperately catching up and returning his “escaped half” (exactly half, since in such relationships, personalities are not integral a priori). The process will be cyclical. The counterdependent will run back to a safe distance, take a break, and begin to miss the one with whom it was so good! Will try to return, but again "jump out" in horror of absorption. And the codependent will again feel intense pain.
What you need to pay attention to here
If they do this to you or you do this, try to notice those experiences that arise with a sharp rapprochement and a sharp break. Try to notice your motives when you are "with all your soul" reaching out to, in fact, an unfamiliar person. Try to notice the feelings that you experience when the connection is abruptly cut off - pain, rage, resentment? Or intense relief, but also deep loneliness?
In any case, if your experiences are charged, the amplitude of energy in the body is high (that is, you are emotionally wildly agitated - it does not matter from “drunkenness by others” or rage) - this means that the “codependent program” has begun to work. This means that your personality is psychologically very hungry and is forced to work at strong speed, because it is in great need, needs have been greatly and have been frustrated for a long time. In this case, a full-time consultation of a psychologist in Kiev or other cities is recommended - to explore your own personal boundaries, how you “lose” them, don’t feel, “forget”, and how your personal integrity, value, etc. are violated in this.
3. Provoking competition for a partner
How can I bind to myself a person with a weak sense of self-worth, whom I have already “saved” from many adversities many times, treated him very well and sincerely, impressed and admired him, and this had a great power over him? I also sharply rejected him several times - avoiding intimacy.
Very simple. Add zest to this wonderful cocktail - provocation of competition!
I will tell you a lot about my relationships with others - women, men. I will do this "as if I am just telling, sharing my experience." But, I will put a fly in the ointment in a barrel of honey. Inadvertently, I will compare our and that relationship. Or people at whom you are angry, I will justify.
I will in every possible way provoke you to feel the need to fight for me. And all the same with whom, even with the Pope.
I will, as it were, casually hint to you that “you are not the only one with me” and even more mercilessly … that you can be easily replaced! And at the same time, non-verbally, provide such signs of attention that will say the opposite: that you are everything to me!
What you need to pay attention to
When you eat a delicious and sweet cake, and even very hungry, or maybe you just haven't eaten sweet for a long time and soooo wanted such a cake! And then some kind of wormhole comes across … I don't know, a piece of peppercorns or hot red. Or maybe something just very bitter and disgusting … And the psyche, which was so inspired by this long-awaited cake, will want to ignore this unpleasant event - this pepper … Well, how - it was so good, and then … Maybe it seemed to me?
Here's what's important certainly pay attention: to the thought arising in my head: it seemed to me! Perhaps it will not be a thought, but just tears will come out in the eyes - and it will seem that “I just got upset, no one knows why”. Or some unknown irritation or feeling of inappropriateness, which the brain will attribute to "my personal cockroaches." This is all very important to pay attention to. It is these "signs" that are the keys that reveal manipulations. Thanks to them, there is a chance to change the codependent pattern. If you notice something like this - again - take a break from the conversation. Increase the distance. And analyze your feelings in detail with your therapist.
You may ask, how will a conditionally “healthy person” react to such illegal hacking of borders?
Let me put it this way. First, a conditionally healthy person will be alarmed by everything! From the very beginning! Especially - the attempt of another to abruptly and quickly enter into confidential contact, telling many details about his personal history, asking about the history of another, actively caring about the other, or vice versa - not noticing and ignoring him strongly (or both, alternately). And so on according to the script.
Alertness and, accordingly, maintaining a safe distance, healthy irritation at attempts to break boundaries - these are the feelings that a conditionally healthy person experiences (I say conditionally - since there are no absolutely healthy ones, as you know) when meeting a person who demonstrates codependents or counterdependent patterns of behavior. You can also feel tenderness, sadness, sadness, regret, powerlessness. In the middle intensity range.
No affects like boundless tenderness, mind-blowing sexual arousal or wild rage! Affective reactions always mark the already accomplished "coupling" of two vulnerable and needy people.
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