Feelings That Kill Close Relationships

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

It is impossible to cut off some "piece" of one's own personality without disturbing the balance of the human body. It is impossible to live your whole life white without meeting your dark sides. Sooner or later, this meeting will take place. She will be taken by surprise and it will be almost impossible to prepare for it. It will happen at the most inopportune moment, when we are overworked, sick and practically deprived of the strength to interact with the world around us.

Part of our personality is always in a state of mobilization, carefully controlling so that the light falls on the embellished sides of ourselves. We are constantly tense and terribly tired playing goodies.

Sometimes the darker part of our personality tries to break out, but the fact that we do not know how to control it, it seems destructive and disgusting. She doesn't seem to be about us. We have lost touch with a part of ourselves, we do not know how to deal with it, in what form to show it to the world. It seems to be placed behind a screen that separates the beautiful showcase from the accumulation of shadows.

We are multidimensional. We "consist" of a vast palette of emotions and feelings. Each of us has love, hatred, jealousy, sadness, determination, joy, pride, kindness, envy, sexuality and much more. Depending on what was encouraged by significant adults at an early stage of development, we left it for everyone to see, moved it to the window.

We all want recognition and love and strive not to show those feelings that are unpleasant for loved ones. Growing up, for the sake of loved ones, we turned off a number of options for our own emotionality, learned to play positive roles. At first it was a game, and then the game became a part of us. It looks like a beautiful showcase, at which others are staring in a desire to admire. But deep inside, behind the shelves of beautiful masks and ready-made scripts, there is a screen that separates the role from the whole personality.

Hidden emotions carry a large inner resource that is not yet available to us. A semi-functional person is like a bird without wings, like distilled water without life, like a picture without meaning or idea.

Skewing towards a beautiful display case away from the terrible screen upsets the balance of the personality. We have disabled some of the useful options for our sensitivity. Suppressing them, we plunge into a state of confusion and splitting.

Access to your own integrity = access to the full range of emotions

Feelings that kill intimate relationships = hidden feelings

As soon as we loosen the steel grip of self-restraint, the hidden feelings will still manifest themselves. They will demand the return of the lost right to life and freedom.

When our own dark tail is shown, we suddenly make a reservation completely inappropriately or behave in a manner not peculiar to us. To cope with the subsequent avalanche of shame, in order to wash off the darker part and become light again, we try to justify our behavior by the action of other people.

Sometimes it is very “beneficial” for us to place our negative feelings outside. To do this, it is enough to believe that the people around you are bad and to project your own negativity onto the outside world. So you can dismiss the idea that we ourselves are with a wormhole, imagine ourselves in a white light, and the other - a repository of vices. It is convenient to blame your own mistakes on your partner, hiding behind the excuse "you brought me, all because of you." Own "dark" is hiding behind a screen, in plain sight - a wonderful showcase of virtues and socially approved qualities.

The idea is obviously a losing one, since as a result of such manipulation, the surrounding world becomes even worse than it is.

In a pair relationship, where partners dump the burden of their negative emotions onto the other, the pass-on game is played. Each takes turns passing the baton of "badness" instead of learning to deal reasonably with their own limitations. Not in the sense of inferiority, but in the sense of the inability to honestly live knowledge about oneself and irresponsibility in the form of unwillingness to face responsibility for their actions. As a result of this limitation, there is a desire to spit out negative self-images in the face of another.

When we catch ourselves playing "It's all because of you", it is worth remembering that such a reaction is typical for children who prove to the "adult" that he is good. This means that we are stuck at an early stage of development. Our partners, as a rule, have a similar problem, since unconsciously we choose a partner who, in his growing up, is stuck at the same stage of development as we are.

A mutual guarantee is formed. To break out of it, someone must take on the burden of negative family emotions, become a carrier of dysfunction, a scapegoat. And since no one needs such goodness, everything ends in a crossfire of accusations that burns close relationships. In this war, any behavior of a partner will initially be viewed in a negative way, even if his intentions were positive.

In order to break this circle, to enter a new stage of relationships and personal development, it is necessary to remove the burden of negative emotions intended for everyone and to realize that the entire family system needs to recover.

The most unhappy family is one where partners are forced to hide a lot of things behind the outer veneer. The one where their own shadows are persistently denied and the game is played with a zero result "All because of you." These couples are not ready to admit that something is wrong with them. They live with ideas about themselves, hide their own demons and do not even know that the problem really exists. It makes it easier to breathe and to assert "I am not like that", arguing about morality. Such relationships have lost touch with reality and are completely unmanageable.

There are families where partners were able to get used to each other so as to deliberately avoid meeting with what we hide behind the other's screen. Such couples are relatively stable, reliable, but partners no longer worry about each other. They say about them - got used to each other. What seemed to be "ugly" in the other - they trimmed it a little for themselves, smoothed out, removed roughness, the appearance of cleanliness was considered an ideal order. Such a relationship is stable, since the spouses do not show a desire to find out the ins and outs of each other and even avoid it.

On the one hand, the relationship is stable, but the price of sustainability is routine in the relationship. Each of the spouses did not dare to burn out in the fire of their own passions, therefore they cannot withstand the heat of the other's fire. In such families, partners are too afraid to upset the created balance, avoid criticism, although this could benefit them, save the relationship from commonplace.

When partners are ready to meet with the shadow aspects of each other's personality, honestly experience the inevitable disappointment, find the courage to accept it as a fact, then the relationship is full-blooded. The fewer projections and imprints in a relationship, the more opportunities for growth and development in them.

In this sense, relationships are healing. Through relationships, we can experience the volcanoes of passions that have raged within us. Our shadows come to life in the context of close relationships and it becomes possible to secretly reveal.

Returning the right to feelings, bringing together the disconnected parts of the personality, we expand the living space, grow in relationships, realize ourselves more fully in them, learn to give more to each other.

Anyone who has learned to recognize his own shadows will be able to recognize them in another. By doing this, we are changing ourselves, and our relationship is striving for the happy pole of marriage.