In Relationships, We Want To Repeat The Feelings We Experienced In Childhood

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The role of relationships in a person's life

There is a common idea that relationships are an integral part of our life, because by nature we are social beings. Back in school, we were taught that the need to have a relationship is genetically inherent. And various kinds of disagreements, who have a need for loneliness or hermitage, are interpreted by psychiatrists as inadequate: this is common among religious fanatics or those who have very painful relationships with other people. They prefer to say, "The more I get to know people, the more I love animals." A healthy, mentally healthy person has a desire to have a relationship.

Further, the ideas proposed by healthy and neurotic people diverge. Because, firstly, in any relationship there is a certain meaning, and secondly, their role in life is greatly exaggerated by those who lacked parents in childhood (they were either physically absent or were cold people). Many women believe that relationships are the only thing that exists. Self-realization, career, money - everything is meaningless, they acquire significance only in the absence of relationships. Due to the fact that many did not receive parental care in childhood, they now have a hypertrophied attitude towards relationships: they have an obsession with having someone around. At the same time, for men, compared with women, the priorities are slightly shifted: due to work, the desire to receive money and other life attitudes. If a person, in principle, did not have similar problems with his parents (he is healthy), relationships play a secondary role in his life, and self-realization is in the first place.

What lies behind the desire to have a loved one

When entering into a relationship, people subconsciously want to get money, care, attention, a roof over their heads - and at the same time do nothing. In fact, all this has no value: only emotions, experiences and feelings have it. Desiring a relationship, neurotics want to go back to childhood and relive the previously experienced sensations again. Healthy people seek exclusively mutual love, so they have no problems entering into a relationship.

Many women wonder where to find a man. When a person has an openness to relationships, the ability to live with someone, then relationships arise on their own. For example, Nadya, the heroine of the film "The Irony of Fate, or Enjoy Your Bath", has been without a man all her life and she has remained without him: her fiancé Hippolyte is not needed by her. She needs a person who can fly drunk to another city, because before him she had already met a married man. She is a sufferer in life, everyone lowers her: "What disgusting is this your aspic fish!" She liked the holidays only because she spent them with her married one. And her new lover Zhenya is just like her. Firstly, he has a bride, and secondly, he himself does not really understand what he needs (his mother wants him to get married). Women like Nadia need a deaf-blind-mute sea captain, because they never had relationships with men in their childhood or had bad relationships with their mother.

The guarantee of a happy life to the grave is not in compromises, but in a stable psyche. Only in this case can you love the same person all your life. If the psyche is unstable, you can stop loving in five minutes, or you just start to dislike something in a person. And in the future this will lead to divorce.

About the problems of unhealthy relationships

Neurotics can have many reasons for the lack of relationships, one of them is that they are simply not ready, although they themselves do not understand it. They are afraid to make connections: "I don't meet strangers." Express fear of sex: “I don’t have sex without love, and I don’t love you.” May have painful experiences: "I'm afraid of a new relationship."

If they nevertheless managed to enter into a relationship with the opposite sex, many soon part, because they find flaws in their partner. Finding a flaw is a protective function of the psyche of a person who is afraid of relationships. He may start to get irritated with a crooked toe on his left foot or a new smell. Men often like to brag about one-off sex, considering it a feat. In fact, this is the same inability to have a relationship. Moreover, in sex they behave like children who are looking for a mother. Womanizers say: “I'm fine,” arguing the new gap with the “excessive bitchiness” of the lady and not looking for reasons in herself. It is hard for them to admit that they are not ready for family life, and not just “did not find that person”. The same thing happens with women.

Many of us, in principle, are not capable of having a family, just as the heroes of Andrei Myagkov (Zhenya) and Barbara Brylskaya (Nadia) could not. Nadia's childhood experiences are suffering and self-pity. And a person who loves her and wants to make her happy cannot give her these feelings. She does not need love and care, but wants to constantly be in limbo. Such people can neither have a relationship nor a family due to a difficult background, for example, unpleasant memories of the parental family. Men, in particular, are discouraged by women who begin to take care of them too much, because they are used to a cold mom and they never sat down at the dinner table with the whole family.

The famous "childfree" trend is people who are against having children. It seems to them that they have such a concept, but in reality a difficult childhood is reflected.

The consequences of unhealthy relationships

Neurotic experiences translate into painful relationships. The person begins to think that the partner is wiping his feet on him: he does not call back, disappears, comes once a week just for sex, does not introduce him to friends or parents, does not feed. That is, he feels that he is being used. Such an attitude develops because he wants it himself: he likes to sob into the pillow when his partner leaves, sort things out, wait for the bell to ring - these are those childhood experiences: how his parents abandoned him, sent him to a boarding school, took him to his grandmother … Such a relationship is hopeless, they end in nothing. A man in such a situation will not propose to a woman, because he sees that there is no need to take on any obligations, since everything suits her anyway. He understands: she is a little capricious, crying, and then accepting.

Such situations are ridiculed in humorous programs: a man leafs through his notebook in search of a girl for one night who will definitely not refuse him, calls her - she agrees. Why cry after this? It means that there was no need to agree. But, as in childhood, she waited six months for her mother to visit her, so now she is ready to wait for him for another ten years. At the same time, it seems to her that she is being mistreated, but in fact this is her need for a relationship.

The same thing happens when a girl communicates with a married man. Or if she agrees to a "free" relationship, but in fact wants a family, she will most likely not get married. She agrees to these conditions, because she is afraid to be left alone: how life will turn out with a new chosen one, no one knows, and she seems to like this.

Questions

What if a woman realizes that a man is using her, but still cannot end the relationship with him?

A situation in which “he did not call back” means the end of a relationship for a healthy girl, and the beginning of love for an unhealthy girl. There is a conflict here: the drug need to be with this man. In this situation, you need to introduce a rule: if you do not like something, you must say about it once; if the person's behavior does not change, make a serious decision. Whining with the phrases “well, you promised”, “well, we agreed” is useless: this is how you talked as a child with your parents, who had not taken you to the zoo for three years. The situation here is simple: I am uncomfortable - I am talking about this, if the behavior does not change - you need to end the relationship. At first, you will be sausage, because you, as a drug addict, need these emotions, the main of which is self-pity. But if you practice this behavior, then let go of the situation quickly enough, and men will begin to treat you differently. Because when his mother said something to him, and he did not, she did not sob into the pillow, but walked and hit him on the head with her hand.

What if a person is already married and has a family, but he begins to be annoyed by something in his partner's behavior? Do not get divorced if he chomps or throws socks around. Should I give in?

It seems to you that if a person starts kicking you, then this is a reason for divorce, and if he chomps, then you can be patient. Any annoying little thing can be a trigger. In fact, you and your husband have a real internal conflict, but there is nothing to complain about, because he is behaving correctly. The psyche is arranged in such a way that it immediately finds something to throw it out into. You tell him: "Don't chomp" - and he continues. You need to disperse. Otherwise, your children will live in an atmosphere of terrible hatred and will not understand why parents are constantly in conflict.

There are situations when the husband wants to watch football, and the wife wants to watch ballet. If it is not possible to buy two TVs and the situation repeats itself, you married the wrong person. There are systemic problems that show that you are ideologically incompatible. If the action is one-time, you can close your eyes to it; if it repeats itself, you begin to live in conflict not with your husband, but with yourself.

There are two ways out in your situation. Animals have two reactions: they either fight or run away. There are no rushes and deep feelings: they quickly assess the situation and make a decision. You can accept the circumstances, but not reconcile with them: you will throw socks around and chomp together. At the same time, you must like what you are doing, otherwise you need to change your husband. Scary is another matter.

According to your rule, I told the young man what I don't like about him. He changed his behavior, but only for a few weeks, after which he disappeared. After a while, he appeared, began to often call and make attempts to come. I understand that I do not want to continue the relationship. How to stop reacting to his actions if feelings still remain?

In my article, I wrote that if I manage to change a person's libido, then, most likely, I will receive a Nobel Prize. I managed to do it with myself. Some time ago I fell in love with a very nice girl, there were no complaints about her. But twice she did the same thing: we agreed to meet, we have to call - she does not pick up the phone. A few hours later, she calls back and says that she is late. The next day, the situation repeats itself. She broke off my childhood feelings and did not do it on purpose: living alone for a long time, working a lot, she got used to not depending on anyone. And I don't blame her - this is her life. But after what happened, I realized that I didn't feel anything for her, which was a shame, since I liked her. We tried again, but the feelings did not return, the psyche slowed down.

You need to break yourself. You feel resentful that he does this, but for you he is a man because he makes you suffer. I, apparently, also liked this feeling, but I got rid of it. For people who love those who love them, the rest is an empty space: they do not feel anything for them. The psyche is always stronger than a rational act, and everything that we think has no meaning. To change your attitude, you need to start behaving differently in such situations: when something does not suit you in life, you need to break off the relationship without bending over.

We are all shaped by the daily repetition of our parents' behavior - it shaped our mental responses. Try to do the same with yourself: behave in a certain way, and thus force the psyche to form new neural connections and new mental reactions.

After the end of the relationship, there was an internal need for an apology from the partner: he deceived me, and then just left. How to stop feeling this need?

From his point of view, he did not offend you, and in some ways he is right. My friend didn't do anything bad to me either. Many neurotics think they are doing everything on purpose, but this is not the case. It's just that a person is what he is: no one is to blame for anyone, you just do not fit each other. You still like him, but because of his deception, you understand that he will continue to do this to you. And you think correctly. Only arrogant women believe that everything will be different with them - it will not.

Make a rule for yourself: if you do not like something, do not do it to your detriment. I didn’t like that he deceived - do not pay attention to emotions, try to forget about him. For a while, by inertia, you will still feel resentment and think that everything could be different. You are attracted to him because you have a desire to suffer. When you follow the rules, it will pass.

I am 38 years old, I have not been married and have no children, but I want to give birth to a strong family. How to Build Healthy and Honest Relationships?

First you need to build them in your head: you need to understand what your life looks like. Everything that you experience in relation to yourself, you need to learn how to experience in relation to men. For example, you don’t love yourself - you don’t love a man either; you think that love must be deserved - he must prove that he is something; you are mentally unstable - you will pick up such a partner.

Today, marriage is built on a “love - not love” relationship. Initially, marriage had nothing to do with feelings: it was done for the sake of increasing the community, procreation, attempts to improve one's life, so the criteria for choice were health, wealth, good heredity, and childbirth. If you want an honest relationship and a strong family, you must have an honest relationship with your brain and a strong family with yourself.

What is the right way to treat your wife's previous partners?

The problem is not with her sexual partners, but with your insecurity. In the Caucasus and in many other countries, there is an obsession with marrying a virgin so that a man does not have complexes: she has no one to compare with. This is a self-esteem problem. If you, as a man, feel complete, you don't care who was before, because now you have been chosen.

How to choose a partner if a person feels that he is neurotic?

All my life I have loved those who did not show mutual sympathy in return. This is due to the fact that my mother was always inaccessible to me and I tried to win her attention. I overcame this: I am no longer attracted to people who do not have an interest in me. The person you love should evoke some kind of association with childhood. Stick to your feelings.

The World Health Organization considers the state of falling in love as a complete absence of reality - it is a temporary mental disorder. Even if you feel joy, you still perceive the person inadequately: you perceive not him, but your attitude towards him. If you start to act on the "don't like it, goodbye" rule, you will quickly end it.

How important is equal social status in society for relationships?

Here are some examples. Jean-Jacques Rousseau, as an experiment, married an illiterate peasant woman, ended up taking part in his murder - this version existed after his death, most likely, this is not true, but characterizes their relationship. Another: Natalia Vodianova was asked if she could marry a locksmith, to which she replied: “Of course! But where would we meet? I believe that, like Lenin and Krupskaya, common interests play an important role. At the stage of falling in love, there is no difference: a person does not think about what his partner is and who he works. Then there is a transition from sympathy to perspective, from childhood to adulthood.

If both partners are neurotics, is it possible to somehow get along and find a common language?

Millions of people around the world are in neurotic relationships. Many have lived so badly and hard since their birth that they consider them absolutely natural. They do not feel neurotic; on the contrary, they think that all people with disabilities quarrel and conflict. Zhora Kryzhovnikov, the author of the films "Bitter", "Bitter-2" and "The Best Day", wrote comedies about loonies, but they live like that. All characters are sick in the head, but at the same time they have feelings and they are in a relationship. Unfortunately, most people are used to suffering, it seems to them that this is normal.

Our literature, theater, cinema and music - all culture contributes to this. Tolstoy and Dostoevsky are prominent representatives. The first constantly brought his wife, and did not communicate with the children until their twenties. But he got along with the peasants, was engaged in demagoguery and absolutely did not correspond to what he was writing about. But he fought with himself. The second took the jewelry from his wife and played them at cards. Life is not as they describe it, although they write brilliantly. The idea of suffering is a Russian trait. Orthodoxy, which cultivates suffering, also plays a huge role. Most people suffer and die without knowing another life, without neuroses and manipulations. I believe that a person deserves to be happy, and can be so. A healthy person always chooses himself, and a neurotic person always chooses a relationship. This is the difference between them.