Attachment Theory And Relationships That Repeat Themselves

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Attachment is a psychological model of behavior that describes the dynamics of a relationship. Short term and long term. Has its roots in past childhood experiences. Determines the ability of a person to communicate with different people and has different types.

This is one of the facets of a relationship that determines how people react to pain in them or when they are separated from a loved one.

A childhood attachment to a significant other is something that will affect a person's ability to develop basic trust in themselves, the world, and important people.

English psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby was the first to discover in his research the importance of attachment to an adult for a child, which enables him to survive and adapt to the world. In the presence of a responsive and attentive adult, the child can rely on him as a reliable base and explore the world. A child's affection is formed even with cold, rejecting parents in such a way that he adjusts. Different factors influence the formation of different attachment patterns.

Thanks to the experiment of psychologist Mary Ainsworth - "Strange situation", she was able to identify 4 main ways of attachment.

1. Safe (secure) attachment are children who can rely on significant adults with the confidence that their needs for intimacy, emotional support and protection will be met.

Adults with this type of attachment have many different safe relationships. These are people who can build close relationships. They have fears, apprehensions, shame and feelings, but the level of trust in the world is high enough that they can handle it. They are confident in themselves, in their relationships and partners. And are able to test fears about the world and retain the ability to change. They feel comfortable in closeness, but at the same time remain independent. And they balance between. Such people solve tasks of a higher order than security levels.

In experiment - these are children who notice when their mother leaves, they can cry, but they let go and are able to enter into a relationship with the world, play with other adults. When mom returns, they are glad to see you. That is, they allow the mother to leave, accept when she returns, and re-contact her. This is the most supportive and healthy way of attachment.

2. Avoidant attachment (anxious-avoidant) - formed in response to distance, coldness or rejection of the mother.

Such people are very distrustful in relationships. They can speak frankly about themselves and are perceived as open, contact persons, but there is a feeling of lack of connection next to them. Touching to the end is impossible. If you get closer, they will move away. They don't really connect with people. They are independent, self-sufficient people who can cope with everything on their own and do not need close relationships.

There may be emptiness or shame in the place of attachment. They have a desire not to feel at all. They are afraid of vulnerability and rejection, so they always keep their distance.

Experience in relationships - it would be better not to be in them. These are children who have learned that the need for intimacy leads to disappointment and try to avoid it.

Children make such decisions when their parents really want to swallow, they were too patronizing - they want to run away. Or, on the contrary, when there was no response or reaction to their needs at all, where apathy towards relationships was formed. The child asks for something in the relationship, and the parents are busy with others. Then he does not enter into a close relationship, he prefers not to merge.

Such people do not have a safe feeling in a relationship, they have a fear of absorption.

In experiment such children have no confidence that the caregiver is inclusive and accessible. They hardly cry when mom leaves. They play by themselves. When mom comes, they notice, but they continue to play. These children have no movement towards relationships.

3. Ambivalent type of attachment (anxiously stable) - are in great need of affection and connection with others. Formed when the child is not sure that the mother will be there when she is needed. Doesn't feel safe and secure next to her.

Such people can approach very rapidly and just as rapidly move away. There is no middle. Test and test relationships for strength.

If you blame such a person, they will beat you there and test you. Confirm your theory that no one can stand them.

These are borderline people - they really need to be connected, but just as much repulsive for you to come back. They provoke an end to the relationship. Such people grow up to be very insecure in themselves and in their relationships with other people. Always looking for confirmation of reciprocity, becoming overly dependent. Show a high level of dissatisfaction with themselves and their partner. Can be emotionally expressive, restless, and impulsive in relationships.

In an experiment: when mom leaves, such children cry and bear separation very hard. They have little or no interest in the game, do not strive anywhere, because they do not feel safe. If someone takes them on the handles, they begin to beat the one who took it. When mom returns, they are glad that she has returned, but they do not accept her and do not forgive, they are angry. They cannot return to the game.

They are looking for closeness and affection everywhere, all over the world, but they do so that they cannot build a relationship. Or so that it is impossible. Fear of being consumed and rejected at the same time.

4. Disorganizing attachment - the most difficult type of attachment, which is associated with serious psychological trauma. Such people at the psychotic level of the organization build relationships. They are doing something that will not be you consciously and that will not have verbal meaning, but will change you. These are people who have experienced a lot of violence in childhood.

Who knew in advance how to adapt to an adult. If dad comes drunk, they already know what will happen next, and take some action in advance. These are children who learn to survive and live by instincts. Very sensitive. They know any of your reactions, what they kept silent and meant. People who can meet me with my animal part or raise it in me. They expose, undress, and next to them you can experience horror.

They cannot withstand contact, because they feel it very much.

Any approach is experienced as touching an oozing wound.

In experiment when mom leaves, they always respond unpredictably to disappearance. They can bend, hit the floor, freeze. One and the same child who behaves unpredictably every time. The reptilian brain says RUN FROM. Limbic - run to mom, and these two desires are always torn apart.

The type of attachment is formed from birth to 5 years. Particularly vulnerable in patterns under 3 years of age. The way of being connected is displayed and remembered in the body, and then the experience is reproduced at the bodily level and repeated every time in a relationship. And we use these patterns, a familiar scheme, to build relationships with important people.

Attachment modes can be mixed.

Despite the stable, formed models of relationships, it is possible to transform attachment if conditions, environment, experience around and inside change. This can also be done with long-term therapy. Where there is an opportunity to learn to build long-term relationships and healthy attachments.

A child differs from an adult in that he cannot choose and must survive. And an adult can choose, change his environment of existence, people around, transform inside.

The impossibility of choice is childish behavior, stabilization in the same state with an authoritative adult and, accordingly, attachment.

In adulthood and in therapy, one can work on moving, finding and discovering something else in the world. Don't stay stable. But this requires a resource and support.

It is important to develop a basic, stable attachment that is secure - this is very supportive. For example, in a client-therapy relationship. Where the therapist is stable, safe and trustworthy. Or remember a relationship or a person who loved and supported. Was there. Remember his loving eyes. It could be grandmother / grandfather or aunt / uncle. Building on this relationship, support, move on and explore the world.

Then we look for resources, remember all our skills, abilities, strengths in order to learn to trust ourselves. This gives the ability to lean on oneself and move on to peace, building confidence in it. Which leads to the ability to build safe, stable relationships with other people.

Change your habitual attachment pattern.