2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
There are two myths about relationships that are the opposite of each other, one about two halves, the other about self-sufficiency. Both of these myths actually reflect the needs of the average person.
On the one hand, we need to feel ourselves as an individual, on the other hand, we need other people as an environment that stimulates us to develop.
Departure to one of these extremes occurs as a result of the threat of loss of security: "I will not survive alone" or "Another person can hurt me if I let him get too close to me."
These fears are the result of the fact that a person has already experienced such insecurity in his experience, for example, having not yet developed sufficient autonomy skills, he was forced to feel helpless in the face of harsh living conditions. This is how the children of irresponsible parents feel: "I am too weak to provide for my own needs." Or "My vulnerability will be abused" - this is how the children of parents prone to violence and manipulation feel. And having no other experience, such a person feels as if he does not have any tools to create security for himself. "I'm not in control of the situation." The need to control your own safety is a normal need. But without the tools, not knowing how to do it, not having received from the parents the experience of safe independence and safe intimacy, a person begins to control other people around him quite normally. If he is afraid to be left alone with his life, he will control his environment in such a way that it does not dare even think to step back even one step. If he is afraid of abuse of his trust, then he controls his environment in such a way that it does not dare to approach a step without his permission. That is, other people for such a person are objects, figures on a chessboard.
Close, stable relationships in which you can be yourself are impossible without openness, and every time you open up, a person takes risks. We are extremely vulnerable in proximity. And if a person is not aware of his own vulnerability, and does not understand what a huge need for security, he does not understand how vulnerable the other person is in a relationship. Learning to build a secure relationship is only possible where this potential security exists, where it is guaranteed that I will not be abandoned when I feel helpless, and that I will not be hurt if I open up. When two people in a relationship are interested in making sure that not only me, but also the partner is safe, then it succeeds.
In the case when a person has been very traumatized since childhood, the skill of being aware of himself and his needs may not be developed. Such a person acts impulsively, not understanding what he is afraid of, he explains his actions to control his environment by the fact that the other person behaved somehow wrong. Not "I'm scared," but "you can't be trusted." And before such a person can be intimate, he first needs the experience of a safe environment in which he can feel like everyone without a threat to himself, go to the very depth of his vulnerability and make sure that intimacy can be safe. This is precisely the environment for the client that the therapist is. That is why it is very important for the therapist to be aware of himself how vulnerable and vulnerable he is, how much he hurts when his safety is misused, or how awful it is to feel helpless. Otherwise, it is difficult to provide such an environment. "Love your neighbor as yourself" is possible only in this way.
Looking back, I see how I could not give such security to some clients due to my own unconsciousness at that time. And I'm so sorry. Unfortunately, the only way to develop the skills to create such an environment is to try to create it over and over again, making mistakes somewhere. And in this regard, I would like to appeal to clients: if you are unsafe with a therapist, this is a very important issue that you can raise in therapy. And it does not matter whether in your perception the therapist seems to you to be unsafe or he really does something from which you are unsafe, it is important that your need for security is relevant, and it should be taken seriously.
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