"I Wouldn't Have Survived That Winter." What Psychologists Dream Of In Nightmares

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Svetlana Panina is a successful gestalt therapist and family psychologist. But 20 years ago, she was a student and a single mom without money and with a sudden psychological problem

- Hello. My name is Svetlana Panina and I am a psychologist, - I say in a voice a little hoarse with excitement in the echoing silence. I sit in a chair with my head bowed and my hands folded in my lap. Other people are sitting around me. After my confession, the neighbors moved their chairs as far away from mine as possible. A wave of burning shame rolls over me from head to toe.

Usually at this moment I wake up, so I do not know how the plot of the nightmare, repeated once a year, ends. If a psychologist dreams that he is attending a support group for victims of bad psychologists, this is a reason to urgently contact your supervisor.

A supervisor is an experienced colleague who helps the psychologist to remain a professional. It can help you notice the onset of signs of burnout in a professional, point out possible nuances of interaction with a client, and remind you of the importance of ethical compliance. Not all psychologists need a supervisor. For example, those who are engaged in scientific work in the field of psychology do not need a supervisor, but a supervisor. But for psychologists, counseling clients and psychotherapists, visiting a supervisor is a sign of good form.

“I had this nightmare again,” I blurted out to my supervisor at an extraordinary meeting.

- Have you read a lot of complaints about nightmarish psychologists on social networks again? What are you afraid of?

- I am worried that the credibility of psychologists will be undermined. Well, the clients have suffered.

- Do you know any of the victims of these scandals personally?

- No, but I was very upset by their cases.

- Maybe you had your own personal story with a bad psychologist?

You have three months left to live with your cancer

Sometimes I feel like I’m paying my supervisor for nothing. Before almost every meeting, I think: what new can I hear today? I have almost twenty years of work experience, I myself have analyzed this situation inside and out. But each time, my supervisor takes a perspective of the story that suddenly makes every detail of the situation and its big picture very clear. It turned out that a long history, which I did not attach importance to, continues to influence me to this day.

Twenty years ago, I was just going to become a psychologist. I was sure that I had no psychological problems, and that I could easily cope with emerging life difficulties. There were a lot of people around who needed a psychologist without even knowing it. Even my friends did not understand that they were suffering, because from time to time they came up to me in moments of my thoughtfulness and asked fearfully:

- Are you crying?

Of course, I didn't cry. They themselves were sad, but they could not admit it to themselves. Therefore, we saw traces of sadness on someone else's face. In psychology, this is called projection, when people do not understand their feelings in themselves and see them in others. I'll get a degree in psychology and I will help all these people!

Nor was I surprised when a completely unfamiliar elderly woman approached me on the street, hugged me and said:

- I know why you cry. You have cancer and you have three months to live. Why hasn't she come to my village for treatment so far?

The body decided to believe an unfamiliar grandmother and began to gather to the next world

My rational consciousness immediately realized that I was faced with a fraudster who thus chooses her victims. What is easier - walk near the building of the oncological dispensary and scare random people from the crowd with a dangerous disease.

But the irrational subconscious suddenly whimpered: “Oh! Something hurts everywhere and every morning I feel sick. What if there really are three months left to live?”.

The body decided to believe the unfamiliar grandmother and began to gather to the next world. He grew thin, weakened, faded and sick. After checking the health of all doctors, but never getting relief, I admitted that I needed psychological help. And I started looking for a psychotherapist from my own clinic.

Psychotherapists in hospitals love metal plaques, but they don't like to see patients. I made this conclusion after two weeks of trying to get to a specialist at the place of residence.

Then I went to a psychotherapist at the university where I studied. I remember opening the office door, complaining about the problem, and agreeing to undergo a relaxation session. And then, as it seemed to me, she immediately left. In fact, 45 minutes elapsed between the two door openings. The doctor said goodbye that he put me into a hypnotic sleep and conducted a suggestion. Now my body will work like a clock. And so it happened. For the next two weeks, something tickled inside me, and I stopped eating. The clock doesn't eat.

My psychologist friend

All this nonsense is pretty boring to me. And I complained to my psychologist friend that I needed the help of his colleague - probably paid, because the free sessions did not help. A friend found out how much money a student and a single mother in my face could offer for a session and said that no one would undertake to advise me for that kind of money. Except for him, because he is a friend.

And I agreed. For what happened next, I blamed myself. Because as a psychologist, a friend really helped me. At the very first meeting, he asked a very correct question: “What if you really have three months left to live? What have you failed to do in your life?"

And the abyss opened. It turned out that I had a huge number of problems that I preferred not to notice. My body reacted with illness to them, and not to a terrible prediction. The old woman, with her threat, simply made me feel all the fatigue, pain and fear that accompanied my difficult life. And those who took my "pensive" face for sad were right. It was me, me, and not they who needed help. Help, which I never knew how to ask for and was ashamed to accept.

Step by step, from November to April, I got out of the abyss of somatized depression. My body felt better. And the character suddenly deteriorated. I no longer ran to carry out errands at the first hint of others. It became difficult for me to maintain a smile on duty in public and laugh at unfunny jokes of teachers. I decided not to correct the only four that separated me from receiving a red diploma. And the red diploma in psychology itself has ceased to be the value for the sake of which I would agree to “stand on the throat of my song,” as I then put it.

I agreed to the offer of a psychologist friend. I blamed myself for what happened next

During therapy, my friend and I stopped being friendly and focused on therapy meetings once a week. Therefore, it seemed to me that everything would be fine, despite the fact that the ethical rules do not support the dual relationship between client and therapist. Well. An experienced therapist and longtime friend of mine has proven that a strong personality can go beyond the rules and still remain an effective professional.

Six months after the completion of therapy, I was already a certified psychologist, worked in my specialty in a commercial organization, raised my daughter, and talked with friends. At one of the parties, I suddenly heard a comment from a friend about a funny situation. Wow, I, it turns out, react to attempts to photograph me just like in childhood on that stupid Christmas tree …

Needless to say, no one knew this story except me and my therapist? An innocent story. Joke. Not at all what I would like to hide or never remember, but not at all what I would like to tell my friends at a party. I suddenly had a stomach ache, I felt a long-forgotten nausea.

No, no, of course, the therapist did not give any names when telling this story. But he's my friend. And he told it to his friends, who knew me well and, of course, guessed what was at stake.

Three problems

A small compromise, when the therapist offered his help, being my friend, and I agreed, because I did not see other options for little money, resulted in three big problems.

The first problem is double relationships. When I became a client of my friend, I lost my friend. But as a therapist, he turned out to be too significant for me, because we were once friends. The rule that there should be no other intersections in the relationship between a counseling psychologist or psychotherapist and a client is one of the most basic. And, unfortunately, one of the most ignored. Very often teachers still offer themselves as therapists to students of educational programs. We hear stories about how the therapist became “something much more” in the course of therapy. Not the worst option if a business partner, but quite often a sexual partner. I can say I was lucky. I just lost a friend.

The second problem is privacy breach. The therapist can take the content of conversations with the client outside the office only with his permission and, as a rule, in the interests of his client - for supervision or the decision of the ethics committee. It is extremely rare that the publication of the content of the work or a story about it among colleagues, even with the observance of anonymity, can serve the interests of the client.

I'm lucky. I just lost a friend

After all, when the client learns his own story, even if told from another person, this is already a source of unpleasant experiences and a huge test of trust in the therapist. This is why, as a therapist, I myself am very wary of colleagues' publications that describe entire sessions with clients or tell stories of their lives. I want to believe that clients were well informed about the possible consequences of such revelations before they agreed to publish.

The third problem is retraumatization or iatrogenic trauma. This is when a specialist unintentionally harms the client's well-being. In my case, the return of symptoms happened quickly, but did not last long. Fortunately, I already knew where to go for help and was trained in the therapist training program. I had resources for individual and group psychotherapy.

The unethical actions of the therapist, even without malicious intent, unfortunately, can negate all the painstaking work that he did with the client. And the longer the experience of trust, the longer “everything was good,” the more painful the so-called iatrogenic trauma can hit the patient. In our case, the foundations for this trauma were from the very beginning, when the psychologist proposed what seemed to be a good solution, but the results of a well-performed work were leveled by the instability of the very foundation for trust.

Epilogue

The supervisor was silent for a long time before answering. It seems to me that she does this on purpose so that I once again put everything that I have told on the shelves in my head. She knows me well. I love independence.

- What have you learned from this story, not as a therapist, but for yourself personally?

- It was a very difficult experience. But without him, I'm afraid I would not have survived that winter. I could not trust anyone - everyone used to see me strong. And I was also very ashamed that I had little money.

- What would you say to your former friend now if you met him? And what would you like to hear from him?

- I would say that he hurt me very much, although he helped. And I would like to hear in response that he regrets and does not repeat such mistakes. Then it would be easier for me to forgive him.

- Are you afraid to see his last name when discussing bad psychologists on social networks?

- It may very well be. It may very well be …