Good Children's Nightmares. Chronicles Of Psychotherapy

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

“Yeah,” I say. Or HE, all so understanding and helpful with his endless bouquets and sweets, as on schedule. And try to get from him what you really need. He can't hear! And then he comes to the therapist and says: "I understand, women only love rascals."

Winnicott, an English pediatrician and psychologist, introduced the concept of "a good enough mother" long ago, for which many thanks to him. But for some reason no one has bothered to invent the concept of "a good enough child" for some reason. It is completely incomprehensible how to be, if not perfect, then at least just a good child. But thousands and tens of thousands of children are honestly trying. And when they grow up, they automatically continue to do this. They try to be good. To be honest, almost every one of us has some kind of good child.

What is a good child?

For example, a good child never violates parental boundaries. Ideally, it doesn't even bump into them. He draws in the heel and removes the sock, like a stepmother's daughter, so that a foot of size 40 fits into a shoe 35. And it is desirable that no one notices this. Each parent has different boundaries. Or certainly their own ideas about them. Someone is not able to wake up in the morning with the first baby cry, someone gets up at night, someone definitely wants to feed and put to bed by the clock, and someone will certainly "as the child wants," even if the body of their particular baby is not able to feel when he wants. This also happens.

A good child never ruins parental fantasies and plans. For example, his parents are extroverts or introverts who have suffered from their "lack of communication" and are eager to "what's best". This means that their "baby" must run, laugh and chat with everyone directly. Therefore, a good child, be he 20 times an introvert, tries his best to be cheerful like a bird, plays all the hated team games, and hugs every sweaty relative who wants to cuddle him. But a good extrovert child, having been born to parents who are introverted or simply not accustomed to violent manifestations of feelings, manages to shove their emotions, sociability, mobility and a fountain of words into … Well, where are they usually advised to shove all unnecessary?

A good child of hippie parents will necessarily be "free" and an ardent conformist of non-conformism. Children of dog breeders will never love cats, and hereditary chess players will not be thrown into modern dances. A good son from a dynasty of surgeons will not go to programmers, and the daughter of music critics will not shred people.

I'll tell you more, a really good daughter can even grow into a real man, almost an alpha male. If necessary, of course.

In general, a good child is always the perfect spy in his family. His parents do not know him at all, because they do not encounter him. He so neatly does not stumble upon their borders, goes around corners and does not express transverse thoughts and desires … And he is not visible, he is ideally comfortable. But the child ceases to see himself. A person grows up without knowing himself. Can't determine what he wants or what he loves - there is no skill.

After all, in order to want, you need to somehow manifest in space, and this is fraught with the fact that you can stumble over, for example. Any appearance of our own self and personal boundaries can turn into a conflict, but most often we take this risk because we choose ourselves and our desires. And the "good child" chooses not himself, but his ideally streamlined shape. For him, any conflict is the horror of being rejected and being left in the cold of complete loneliness. For a small child, this is akin to death.

Gradually, fear shifts to intimacy with oneself. What if he finds out something "unformatted" about himself? Isn't that the ideal of a good boy or a good girl? What if he wants something that will make him uncomfortable? His degree of closeness remains formal - at the level of rules, regulations and knowledge of "how to do it right." Knowledge not tested by personal feelings and sensations. The main thing that he "learned" while growing up is that you will be comfortable, they will love you. If you don't "fit in" - you won't.

His closeness to others may remain just as formal. After all, it only seems to him that he knows his parents and is doing everything to be "good enough" for them. In fact, he only learned the general rules of good form. And, most likely, from the same not too happy parents who are also afraid to know too much about themselves and their child. It seems to them that this way they can stay in paradise. And no snake can seduce them with the fruits of the tree of knowledge.

"Good Boys" and "Good Girls" come when it becomes clear to them "You won't sell an elephant this way." They cannot create a relationship where they would be warm and joyful, and with them, it turns out, it is not so great …

And that's why it's bad with them, and what "Nice Guy Sindrome" is, my namesake and I will tell in the next article. To be continued…

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