Mothers And Daughters. Chronicles Of Psychotherapy

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

The relationship with the mother is one of the most significant in our life. One of the most important tasks of the mother is to provide a sense of basic security and the formation of the emotional level of the child's development. For a woman, a relationship with her mother is also a relationship with her inner feminine part of the soul, with her intuitive part. The mother or her image is one of the important factors that affect a woman's attitude towards herself as a woman and the degree of her trust in her instincts. These internal relationships, of course, affect external ones as well. And in both directions. On how the relationship with the mother herself and on contact with her own children, especially with her daughters, are developing

But the most important, perhaps, is the relationship between the inner daughter and the inner mother, which lives in every woman and on which it often depends whether we will be kind enough to ourselves, whether we will trust ourselves, whether we will learn to love ourselves. This mother-daughter relationship in the feminine part of the soul (anima) is influenced by three main factors:

First, every woman is born with her own type of femininity. Just as any of us is born, for example, an extrovert or introvert, so a woman's psyche has a certain structure that determines the actions of her Anima.

Secondly, of course, these are cultural codes, and they are largely determined by the time and place in which she was lucky to be born. Within this framework, it can be influenced by education and everything that changes the view of the roles of men and women and their relationships. This, of course, is public opinion and traditions that expect from a person that he will certainly fit into the prepared role. In terms of individual development, it is very important what will happen to the second, male half of her soul - the Animus. But today we are not talking about that.

And thirdly, yes, this is a relationship with her real mother, her image, or that female figure that replaced the mother. I often think about how differently the mother-daughter relationship develops, how many options life gives us. Sometimes I want to somehow sort it all out on the shelves in order to better understand.

As in any typology, there are no reinforced concrete boundaries between behavioral options, but types sometimes allow you to see something more clearly, to understand for yourself where these or those of my traits came from, what I want to give to my children and how my inner daughters communicate there- mother.

1. Girlfriends

In a seemingly beautiful "sister" or "best friend" relationship, mother and daughter are very emotionally close, they "tell each other everything," they understand and support each other. The difficulty in such friendships is that it is difficult for the mother to provide protection and discipline. She can't ban things without risking losing her best friend status. And for a child and especially for a teenager, oddly enough, the feeling of security is associated with boundaries, with those very prohibitions.

Also, in such a relationship, jealousy and competition with the growing daughter are almost inevitable. And the mother will try to somehow slow down this process, preventing the development of the approaching femininity, convincing her daughter that she is still a child. Or the mother feels that she is, as it were, reliving her youth with her growing daughter and is overly interfering in her life. She wants to know everything that happens in the smallest detail and she is very active in advice.

In such a relationship, the father or other relatives (grandparents) may act as a counterbalance and regulator of boundaries, but at the same time, mother and daughter may still be equal to the "daughters" of a father or grandmother, and there is still a high chance that the daughter herself will be difficult to reach. internal maternal maturity, since she did not have such an example.

It is quite another matter when the relationship of "girlfriend" is formed already in adulthood. This relationship of equals is very enriching and provides emotional support for both women.

2. Rivals

In such a relationship, the mother constantly conflicts with her daughter. She either tries to "mold" her according to a certain model and reacts violently when her daughter cannot or does not want to correspond to the conceived ideal. Or competes with a daughter, especially a growing one, proving that she is better, stronger, wiser as a woman, etc.

Sometimes such competition is formed under the influence of special relationships that develop between the daughter and the father. Their reason is jealousy and the mother's feeling that she is thrown out of a tight circle, unworthy of the elect. A father can turn his admiration and romantic attitude towards his daughter, his "little princess". If at the same time he does not love and respect the mother enough, then, despite all the father's delight, the daughter latently understands that real adult women are not worthy of admiration. This is another of the "don't grow up" orders.

The rivalry of the mother can be expressed in the fact that she will compete with her daughter for the attention of others, in the most grotesque version. Sometimes, it will be a mother who "takes away" her daughter's boyfriends at an older age.

The attitude of such a daughter-princess to her mother is most likely patronizing or pitying-contemptuous. She copies her father. As an adult, she can break free of these "spells" and befriend her mother again, but this usually requires a change of context. Either disappointment in the father, or the mother's help in some serious circumstances that make it possible to see her in a new light.

3. Shifters

Sometimes in a child-parent relationship there is a role reversal. If a daughter has to take on the role of an adult early on, then she loses the protective shell that a caring, caring, truly adult mother provides. Most often, the role reversal occurs in single-parent families, since there is no one else to pick up the burden of responsibility from the hands of a helpless mother. This can be due to illness, alcohol problems, even excessive employment at work, since the mother must provide for the family alone.

In such a relationship, the daughter takes on most of the household chores, all the emotional care of the younger children and the mother. Often the daughter has to deal with many everyday household and even financial issues. And already the mother, having got used to this state of affairs, turns to her daughter for help and support, and not vice versa. The mother - especially when it comes to women with serious emotional or physical problems, or with alcohol or other addictions - plays the role of a naughty child who needs to be worried about and who needs an eye and an eye.

If there are other adults in the family who can smooth the situation, take on some of the responsibilities that the mother refuses to do, everything is not so bad. But very often girls, forced from childhood to bear the burden of someone else's motherhood, grow up to be sacrificial natures. These are real Cinderellas, but princes are not always there for them. And not because princes, like gingerbread, are always in short supply for everyone. "Cinderella", even having met the prince, simply cannot believe that THIS is for them. They don't know how to take care and think about themselves. They do not understand their needs, because they are accustomed to care and think only of others. For the same reason, they often get princes such as they need to tirelessly take care of - alcoholics, gamblers, unrecognized geniuses …

As adults, such girls as "princesses" are sometimes imbued with contempt and dislike for their mother, realizing (or unconsciously suspecting) what they have received less. If the mother is still dependent and dependent, then she must continue to be cared for, providing her physical and emotional needs. And already adult girls gradually realize that it is difficult for them to do this from the heart, from generosity, because the mature motherhood has not formed enough inside, the strength has gone to something else.

Of course, they can overcome this crisis with the help of other adults and close people (especially if they are lucky with the prince) and continue to care for and patronize the mother as before, now really treating her more like a child than like equal to an adult.

4. An all-consuming and controlling mother

Often it is the mother who accepts the maternal role as the only one in her life. Her ideal is the fusion of mother and child, which she felt immediately after the birth of the baby. She does not accept the natural estrangement of her daughter, which normally happens every day and every step.

Such a mother interferes in everything that happens to her daughter, actively rejecting her opinions and her choices and her right to decide anything. She delves into all the details and leads everything, depriving her daughter of an elementary sense of security and confidence in this world. A daughter can only rely on her mother, without her, she, like a cripple without crutches, cannot take a step.

All this, of course, takes place under the banner of "the good of the daughter" and taking care of her. After all, she is so "small and unreasonable", "too careless", "she does not understand anything in this complex life." And the mother will see to it that it stays that way.

Often such relationships are formed in families where the relationship between father and mother as a couple is very weak. The father is not interested in the mother as a woman, as a life partner, and she directs all her emotional forces to the relationship with her daughter. The mother wants to get emotional compensation, to fill the gap. This can happen even if the mother is quite successful in her career and seemingly busy with the business.

The saddest thing happens when the daughter grows up. The mother does not leave her "chick". Very often these are girls who remain in the parental family, many of them do not get married and do not build their own intimate relationships. They are afraid of this world, they are afraid of terrible men, they are too closely attached to their mother and do not want to grieve and leave her alone, even if everything is in order with the father. And these girls, or rather, already adult women, are really not adapted to make decisions, navigate difficult situations. They don't even know how to choose their own clothes.

If such a mother's daughter gets married (often her mother betrays her), then it is very difficult for her to create a truly close relationship with her husband. The place for intimacy is taken. Mom is always there. However, if circumstances or their own decision throw the young couple somewhere far away from mom, then the daughter has a chance to grow up and become a real woman.

These are just four types of altered mother-daughter relationships that I have formulated on the basis of my work experience. Surely there are many more of them. It is important for me to say that whatever your relationship with your mother is, it no longer depends entirely on her. It is never too late to understand them, change them and "fix" them. By yourself or with the help of professionals. Like any relationship. Even if one of the "participants" is no longer alive.