Daughters-mothers

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

I noticed from childhood that I regret and love my mother more than obey and fear. I always obeyed and was afraid of my grandmother on my father's side, I wanted to take care of my mother, to support her. I defended my mother from my dad, who was an alcoholic, studied well, went in for sports, and was generally the “right” child in many ways so that my mother would not cause any trouble. The downside of this was that I solved all my problems myself and was one-on-one with them - it didn't even occur to me that if I didn't like something or I was scared, unpleasant, painful, I could go to my mother as a child., but I was always ready to accept my mother with the same.

Interestingly, my mother was even pleased with such a course of things and, perhaps, she even saw that I was feeling bad, but it did not occur to her that she needed to ask me, regret, console me, or, in extreme cases, go somewhere, talk to someone something to protect your child. So it continued in our relationship with her: I am more independent, I always care about my mother, I do not burden her with my problems, and she is weaker and more defenseless, willingly consults with me on all issues and she does not even need to ask, I run myself and decide everything her problems. This state of affairs seemed so natural and correct to me, I felt like a good daughter and was proud of myself, I always condemned my brother who helped my mother solely at her or my request, and not on my own initiative.

How amazing it was in the fourth decade, with great difficulty in psychotherapy, to unearth in oneself the need to be just a daughter, to run to my mother for support and consolation. How much of a thirst for this support and consolation I have accumulated in my entire life! I just wanted to bury my face in my mother's shoulder and sob, sob and sob … How difficult it was for me to go through life and cope with all the trials without my mother's support behind my back or inside … After all, if my mother could not support and protect me in childhood, then mine the inner adult part cannot support and protect my inner child part when it needs it.

This is how the inverted or inverse relationship of mothers and daughters is arranged, when the mother plays the role of the daughter of her biological daughter, and the daughter, respectively, is the functional mother of her biological mother. Such relationships are strong and reliable, approved by others. Well, of course: after all, she is such a good daughter, she takes so good care of her mother, everyone would have such daughters. Everyone is content and happy until the daughter becomes aware of her deepest emotional needs.

These relationships are dysfunctional, because they violate the natural order of nature: a mother in her relationship with her daughter is responsible for herself and takes care of her daughter without burdening her with her problems, the daughter's task is to grow, separate from her mother, relying on her support when necessary. Often, such a mother-daughter relationship becomes inverted under the influence of some kind of severe stress for the whole family, in which the mother turned out to be weak, wounded by fate, very vulnerable. For example, my grandmother lost two little sons in the war, my grandfather was not around - he fought, and my mother, as the only eldest surviving daughter, became her support and support. The scenario of an inverse relationship between mother and daughter is often passed down from generation to generation - it turns out that the born girl takes the vacant place of her mother's functional mother. So in my family, my mother was a functional mother of my grandmother, and accordingly I had to become a functional mother for my mother.

Another, most common, reason why a child takes on the role of a parent for his parents is dysfunction of the family system in the area of relations between parents. Unresolved conflicts between father and mother involve children in order to contain tensions that can lead to a breakdown, or to protect one parent over the other, to take care of him, that is,.perform a parental function in relation to him. For example, in my family, my mother definitely needed protection and distraction from problems with an alcoholic dad, and I coped well with this, taking on the role of her functional mother. In a large family, it happens that the parental function of the child (more often than the older, but not at all necessary) extends not only, for example, to the mother, but also to subsequent children, then the family hierarchy is violated and the mother becomes a functional sister to the rest of the children. It is not surprising that she cannot cope with them and always resorts to the help of her eldest daughter in raising younger children.

What's bad?

Why is such a relationship with a mother dangerous for an adult woman? First of all, the fact that she grew up, strongly connecting with her inner "mother" part, and therefore was emotionally, and sometimes physically, overloaded beyond her capabilities in childhood - hence her tendency to take on unnecessary responsibility (or hyperresponsibility), but at the same time, high anxiety and a tendency to control her life and the lives of people around her. Her childish part lacked support, protection, warmth, care, and her inner parental part was not able to give the same to her inner childish part. Therefore, she often has difficulties with adequate assessment and acceptance of her own limitations - in a simple way, in life she stubbornly demands from herself what she cannot do, what lies beyond her responsibility. In life, she is more focused on what is needed, and not on what she wants right now, so she is prone to depressive states.

Such a woman should have a lot of restrained or repressed resentment and anger towards her parents for being used and overburdened in childhood. Instead, she, turning this energy on herself, often feels guilty before her family. Such a daughter remains internally attached to her mother all her life, although she may have a conflicting relationship with her, because she did not have the opportunity to truly separate from her mother. After all, in order to separate, you need to be in the position of a growing child, and the parental position does not imply any separation.

In addition, such a woman may have difficulties in giving birth to children, because she already has at least one child - this is her mother! This experience leaves an imprint on her ability and desire to have children of her own. Without going through the process of separation from her parents, she remains a child within, and her need to continue being a child is stronger than her need to be a mother. How can she give birth to a child, because children do not have children. Perhaps she is not ready for motherhood also because she is about to become the mother of a baby, which is in stark contrast to the usual role of the mother of her adult mother. The psyche of such a woman can unconsciously resist such a drastic change and such a strong additional load. If the "resistance" to have children of her own is not realized, then the woman suffers greatly, because motherhood is natural for her from birth, this role is very close to her. She may sincerely not understand why she is unable to get pregnant.

Meanwhile, the daughter, who "adopted" her own mother, feels necessary, correct, and important in such a relationship. She is proud of herself and gets high positive feedback from others because she is a good daughter and an example to follow. Responsibility and reliability inherent in her help her to achieve the heights of life and the sympathy of others, wherever she is.

What about mom?

Does mom benefit from such a relationship? At first glance, yes! If you look better, not at all, because she did not want warmth, love, care and support from her daughter all her life, but from her own mother (daughter's grandmother) or from her husband, which, unfortunately, for some reason, they do not can give her. Parental, marital and daughter concerns are completely different and they fall into different places within the soul, one cannot replace the other. Our psyche is so arranged that for thousands of years such an order of relations has been fixed in it that the great-parent is responsible for most of his life for the parent, and the parent for the child, the spouse is obliged to help and take care of the spouse, and not the child. The question here is not who physically does more for whom and what, but a deep inner understanding of who owes whom and when, who is responsible for whom. In addition, in the case when the inverse relationship between mother and daughter is associated with tension between mother and husband, then, while continuing to support "daughter's parenting," the mother does not meet face to face with this tension and continues to remain unhappy, depriving herself of the chance to change these relationships or finding others who are happier for her.

It is important to understand that any relationship, including inverse ones, is supported on both sides: both mother and daughter play their usual, albeit inverted, roles. They fit together like a key to a lock. Their relationship is a very stable structure. If one of them suddenly stops acting in accordance with the usual role, the couple enters a crisis of relations, because the second sincerely does not understand what exactly went wrong and why.

What to do?

How can you check what kind of relationship you have with your mother? Answer the following two questions:

1. In the event of any unpleasant situation in which you find yourself, your usual actions are not to tell your mother about it, because you are saving her or you can cope on your own or you do not expect to get her sympathy, support or help at all?

2. In case of any unpleasant situation your mother has got into, your usual actions are to question her, support her morally and financially, without waiting for her mother to say what exactly she needs?

In case of two answers “YES”, you can be sure that your relationship with your mother is inverse. What to do?

1. Begin to notice when and how you get into the role of mom for your mom. What does she do that pushes you inside yourself to act like her mother? As soon as you notice, tell yourself that you do not need to be a mother for your mother, you are just her daughter, that you can help and support her, but only if you want it now.

2. Begin to notice your feelings when you are in a relationship with your mom. Try to find something other than love and anxiety. I suggest: we are looking for resentment and anger. No matter how unpleasant they are, try to understand them, answer the questions, how you feel, in connection with what and why.

3. Realizing your feelings, try to understand what you want from your mother at this very moment. Try to understand your impulse and evaluate it, how much it fits into the role of just a daughter.

4. When mom is looking for help and support from you, remember that you do not have to give it to her - you can give it to her if you want, if you are able to support her now. And if, on the contrary, you need her help, you have every right to insist - you have priority by right of birth.

5. Caution: do not immediately show your aggression to your mom. She is used to being your child and may not be ready to pay for it, especially if she is old and in poor health. It is more important for you to be aware of what you feel, what you want, to accept yourself in these feelings and desires as it is, than to bring your impulses to a specific action in relation to your mother.

Remember that if you want, this relationship can be changed. It's worth starting with yourself - not taking the role of a mother in relation to your mother. Then that sooner or later there will be nothing left but to leave the role of your daughter and take the natural role of your mother. This, as a rule, is not easy and takes a lot of time, because both mom and you will have to master new unusual roles for each other. But by my own example, I can confirm that this is possible.