Perfectionists With Love. Chronicles Of Psychotherapy

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

She firmly shook her dark, perfectly styled hair and looked at me sternly through equally perfectly matched glasses

- I'm a perfectionist.

“I would never have guessed,” I chuckled to myself, looking at her stylish skirt without a single wrinkle, fantastic blouse (business with a precisely dosed drop of femininity), tall heels and “invisible” makeup, which usually takes at least an hour in time. In general, it is understandable, especially when you consider the time "early in the morning" and the style of clothing adopted in Israel "without fanaticism."

- I need you to save me from this. Preferably quickly, completely and permanently.

Y-yes … “Doctor, thanks for curing me of megalomania. How many million dollars do I owe you?"

- Why do you need to get rid of perfectionism?

- So how? It is quite obvious that this prevents me from being completely harmonious.

- In the sense of ideal? - I helpfully prompted.

The serious eyes of the eternal excellent student stared at me suspiciously through expensive lenses. The suspicion gradually turned into confusion.

- Well, yes … - she nodded. But the same decisiveness in the nod was gone.

- Unfortunately, I cannot promise you a 100% cure. Perhaps 60-70 percent. Or maybe less. Will this suit you?

She hesitated. - But it really prevents me from being full …

- Let's try to put a full stop after the word "interferes".

She tasted the phrase. - Well, perhaps …

- So, 60% is enough for you?

- I agree. - the voice regained its former firmness. Recovery went by leaps and bounds)))

If you think that I, as a gypsy, immediately spread all the horrors of perfectionism and the delights of a careless life in front of her (and here I am an expert), then you are mistaken. I didn't want to participate in the murder. After all, what she wanted was to kill a hefty piece of her personality, her I. It was important for me that she fell in love with her perfectionism, understood exactly how he made her so beautiful, successful, businesslike and loving. Yes, oddly enough, perfectionism teaches you to love too, because perfectionists often invest in relationships much more than others, it is only important to direct these efforts in the right direction.

Mountains of popular articles and books on psychology sometimes play nasty jokes with us. Have you noticed that fashion is not only for trench coats and cashmere pashminas? For example, it is fashionable to stigmatize perfectionism. Roll your eyes, and tell what unfortunate people they are, and you yourself, to be honest … Somehow everyone already knows that Miss Perfection Mary Poppins is clearly unwell. Think for yourself what a healthy person will carry with him in a suitcase everything that at least someday may be needed - right down to a bed and hangers for outerwear. In short, perfectionism is good for only one thing - when HR asks if you have any drawbacks, you can sigh in sorrow "unfortunately, I'm a perfectionist."

For me, perfectionism is not a striving for some kind of spherical ideal, but the idea of doing the best you can, doing it as accurately and correctly as possible. Yes, yes, of course, the devil, as always, is in the details and everything is fine in the right dose. If we talk about the proportion of perfection, then each of us dangles somewhere between the evil sorceress "All right and so" and Lady Ideal. But in all honesty, which is more comfortable for you, are you sure you don't want your doctor to be a perfectionist? Or the one who designed the plane you are about to board?

And if you look at the situation from this angle, it is quite possible to make your perfectionism a work tool, and not a vicious overseer. In most cases, the notorious "self-acceptance" and "self-love" begins with the question - what does this terrible trait that I so hate does for me. Sometimes amazing things are revealed. And when you understand what is happening, why do you need all this, it becomes much easier to dose and handle this peculiarity of yours. She becomes friendly, not hostile.

Here are five obvious benefits of perfectionism:

1. Your standards are much higher than average

That is, "dullness" does not threaten you. Take any three areas of your life - work, housing and parenting, for example. And take a closer look at what you think is "normal" and how it differs from the "normal" average in the hospital. Yes, even with former classmates compare. We bet your standards are much higher? Yes, you may not jump to them the way you would like, and at the same time, the results are more than impressive. The American "aim higher, at least you can't shoot … leg" just works here.

Only without fanaticism: Don't shoot at the stars. How many light years will it take for your bullet to reach its target?

2. You are very attentive to details

Perfectionists take everything to heart. No "just to the bra", as my Odessa friend used to say. They delve into all the subtleties of the case. They read everything in small print in legal and banking documents, driving lawyers crazy. But none of you will sign anything without making sure that each letter is interpreted in the right way. A perfectionist doctor will definitely ask your entire history, starting with grandparents, and check ten times how you are taking this or that medication. If we are talking about a scientist-experimenter, you can be sure that all possible options and branches are thoroughly investigated, all conditions of the experiment are met with special pedantry and the repeatability of the result is confirmed by 300%.

Only without fanaticism: Sometimes the devil really lurks in the details. When digging into details, watch out for the perspective and the big picture.

3. You are the consummate bug trapper

For the same reason attention to detail. And, of course, your finished projects ALWAYS have an order of magnitude fewer errors and bugs. This is a truly finished and licked product from all sides. You are convinced that EVERYTHING is really going smoothly, there are no knots and hiccups there. And this is your undeniable competitive advantage over those who know how to relax and will never read an article 10 times. The ability to polish to a high shine makes you, by the way, an irreplaceable member of the team, without you the product would never look so professional and finished. In addition, working next to you teaches others to be focused and alert.

Only without fanaticism: At some point, "licking" is still worth stopping. Make it a rule to check one less time than usual. Or set a time limit.

4. You are an excellent analyst

Another strength of perfectionists is their analytical skills. This is all the same attention to detail and the ability to put everything in the right shelves, to put information in diagrams, logical chains and mental maps. When looking at these schemes, the picture becomes clear even for the most poetic and illogical creation. Your logical constructions take into account all possible answers to the questions, "What if?" and the influence of processes on each other. Thanks to this, perfectionists "dive deep" and find unbroken ideas, impressing others.

Only without fanaticism: First, remember that diagrams and tables are not an end, but a means. And, secondly, this way of working with information may not suit everyone.

5. For others you are the authority

As a rule, people around you, and especially clients and bosses, respect you, although sometimes they consider you a bore. Your opinion is very valuable and important for them, because you have already established yourself as a master in solving non-trivial tasks and doing work with high quality. You are able to answer any tricky question, simply because you have already thought about it and considered it from all sides. When you are approached with a problem, you take it seriously - i.e. you begin to delve into, decide, figure out options, look for information, contact the experts. You do not know how to do something halfway or not completely and you can be sure that people near you see it, so your value in their rating of specialists is usually very high.

Only without fanaticism: Pedantry is effective, but in large doses it is terribly annoying, so you should warn: "I can be picky about details, I understand, sometimes it gets tired, but the result is usually worth it." And further. It is not always necessary to solve problems, especially when it comes to loved ones, sometimes it is more important to just hug.

Of course, every perfectionist is molded from his own clay. The reasons for such a life strategy can be very different, and they should be dealt with. One of the key points is the attitude towards failure or error. For a serious perfectionist, a mistake is something that should not be allowed at any cost, or in no case should it be shown to significant people (well, or to anyone at all). This is a shame, his downfall as a person and, in general, the end of the world.

Often this thought is simply paralyzing, because the person is completely identified with the result. Anyone. And the easiest way not to make a mistake is not to do it. It takes a lot of time to understand, realize, feel that you are much more than a failed marriage, a failed project, or a mistake in calculations. When this happens, you gradually begin to perceive failures and mistakes as a challenge to fate. And every time you are free to decide for yourself whether to accept this challenge or not.