2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
I am beautiful, smart, I have an M. A. in economics, my job is good and I have always dreamed of a family, of children. I am not a lover of one-off relationships, I do not know how and do not want to hang on my neck, and somehow it does not work out
Just don’t say “I want to get married! So you scare everyone away. Not at all. It has never been an end in itself for me. To get married, you need to fall in love, and usually does not go beyond the first date. I see a person for half an hour, how can you fall in love here? I so want to find a kindred spirit! But where is there. Probably, now normal men do not need this - loyalty, love, a strong family, an intelligent and gentle woman nearby …
Why, men, I really don't even have friends, because it's not interesting for me to discuss all this "What a new coat Lisa has" or "Beckoning her son to a private school" is not interesting for me. So it turns out that there is no one to even talk to. What's wrong with me?"
I very often hear this question in my office: "What is wrong with me?" “Not so” can be anything - “I don’t stay late at any job”, “I have almost no friends”, “I don’t understand why I always fall for my children and my husband”, “I still don’t know who I will be when I grow up”and so on and so forth. The most common "not so", of course, "I can not find a loved one."
"Not so", of course, are very different and the reasons are innumerable. Now I want to talk about only one of these reasons. Confused and confused people repeating "What's wrong with me?" in fact, they are often sure that everything is so with them (even more than so), and everything is not so with the world around. Of course, this confidence is usually unconscious, and often it does not apply to all areas of life, but only to “problematic” ones. A talented specialist, he often changes jobs, logically explaining how horrible the team got caught this time. This may also apply to changing partners. “Agree, it's impossible to live with her! Am I right? " an old bachelor friend asks me, I would even say "serially monogamous bachelor." I will agree, I do not mind. Impossible. You're right. But why is this already the fifth or sixth woman, with whom it is impossible to live? Why the hell are you right all the time and never happy?
If you listen more closely to what these clients say, you will hear that they very often think that they are too good for this rough (evil, unromantic, deceitful, materialistic, emphasize the necessary) world. But they got some kind of unsuccessful globe. The main thing is that the responsibility in their coordinate system lies with the world. This is called the “external locus of control”.
“Not so” is very often only looking outward for answers. This is a requirement for the world to comply with some rigid structure, and if it does not, so much the worse for it. The model was initially doomed to failure. She assumes that there are some clear rules, and if I follow them, then I will get what I ordered Santa Claus. “Grandma, am I not going to die? "If you behave yourself, you will not die."
Very childish approach. It's like you're still a child who can ask an almighty adult to do something about this bully, with a broken bike, in general, with this wrong world.
- And in my childhood it seemed to me that everyone is older than me. Well, that is, in general, it was so. Therefore, the last candy - to whom? - to me. Everything, all the candies to me. And I, obviously, got used to it. now the most beautiful girl should be mine.
“And if it’s not yours, then dad will come, take it away from the bad boy and give it to you. Or, you know, he'll buy the same one.
- Will bring you better. From the Baltics.
The question "What's wrong with me?" assumes that someone (like me) has a clear answer. Or is it just persistent, on the verge of obsession, the search for external logical laws in all actions of one’s and those around him, and constant concern about his “righteousness”. Given that, it seems, it is time to understand that we do not always act according to logic, but often break down in spite of it. External laws provide only part of the information. We get the most reliable answers from within, facing reality and listening to how it responds in me. This is how you can find out for sure what I want and what I don’t. Moreover, I want it, and not hundreds of ancestors, public figures and television programs who have stuffed a kaleidoscope of opinions and thoughts into my head.
Then we process this information, act on the data received and again listen to how the world responds. Then it turns out to live in reality, and not in the speculative world of "pink unicorns", where you feel a cruel resentment every time you come across hippos instead of unicorns.
In short, if you get the feeling that something is wrong with you, and then it develops into the belief “it's time to change the globe,” try turning off the autopilot of familiar representations and re-collecting data about the world around you and your place in it. Perhaps it's time to change the globe, but it won't hurt to check it again.
At first, the method is very time-consuming and energy-intensive, as in the joke about the centipede. You have to cancel the autopilot and fly manually, keeping track of the readings of all instruments, because, while on autopilot, the course cannot be changed. By automatically following the optimal route once and for all, we are like lemmings who know for sure that generations of their ancestors cannot be wrong. But we have long been at another stage of evolution.
The increased adaptability of a person is connected, funnily enough, with his ability to resist his animal instincts, abandoning the usual routes, and the ability to take risks in search of new habitats, for example. At the same time, a person can suppress these instincts so much that he becomes neurotic, and then his personality ceases to act as a whole. High price. We pay her to become much freer than animals.
In order not to overpay for their freedom to develop, it is very important for a healthy person to keep in touch with instincts even when we turn off the autopilot and switch to conscious behavior. The connection with instincts goes through the body and emotions - a stone in the soul, a lump in the throat, it looks like a knot in the stomach, the head is about to burst, etc. etc. Track what is happening with the body, listen to it, there are simple exercises for this. We are losing too much "living in the mind only".
But still, "where can you get to with your mind?" Yes, you do not need to put it anywhere, use it for health))) Only consciousness is able to pull us out from under a warm blanket in winter and force us to turn onto a completely new path. Instincts will definitely whisper - "stay at home, it's warm there."
And yet, sometimes it is completely irrational so you want a "different globe", maybe somewhere "in the Baltic states" is still lying around?
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