Teach Refusal Does Not Hurt Chronicles Of Psychotherapy

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

- You see, I have a very serious problem

- I understand, they don't go to me with frivolous people.

- I don't want a child.

Here I was surprised. Men usually come with such questions at the age of 30-35, and he is already well over 40. At this age, they ask themselves the question - I want children, and not with whom. I'm still lonely, it's scary that this is how it will end. I silently waited for the continuation.

- We already have six, the youngest is 8, the wife wants the seventh. But not me. Yes, we, in general, have not slept for more than 10 years and do not live together

I was always excellent with an oral score, but something did not work out here. It remained to wait for further plot twists, but I nevertheless carefully asked - you have been living alone for a long time, you don't want children anymore, what's the difficulty?

“You see, I would not like to upset my wife. She is, in fact, a good person, the mother of my children, and she really wants a child. I understand her perfectly, she loves children so much. I am afraid that she will persuade me to go to IVF again (well, at least she got better with arithmetic). Can you teach me how to refuse so she doesn't get hurt?

- No, so that it doesn't hurt, I can't, - I sighed heavily. As I understood him, it is also difficult for me to tell a person that his problems cannot be magically solved and to everyone's pleasure.

Such clients rarely come to me - they are not "mine", although in the world around me I see them more and more. Often I send them to a male therapist to learn male language. How can you refuse resolutely and without an explosion? How do I limit the time? How to say not now?

There are men who have good contact with the feminine, but the masculine, or animus, is lame. Either it is not developed for some reason, or contact with it is blocked.

Usually these people are delicate, warm, caring, easily establishing emotional contact and pleasant in all respects. Often very creative (the father of six children was a good freelance designer), often representatives of helping professions - psychotherapists, doctors, teachers, specialists in alternative medicine.

They feel great about the other person and are always ready to help. Often this happens to the detriment of themselves and others, too, because they do not know how to set boundaries, divide, say no, break contact, meet deadlines and, as a result, find themselves buried under a pile of mutually exclusive obligations and impossible contracts - official and unofficial. Further conversation with V. showed that the two youngest children were born only because he "did not want to upset his wife."

For all their efforts to “not grieve” their defenders, God only knows which ones. Such people are ill-adapted to the situation when it is necessary to "go to war". They are completely unprepared for conflicts, even if something important or expensive needs to be protected. They leave conflicts masterfully, leaving you bewildered - because the situation is not resolved, and there seems to be nothing to grab onto.

They do not have the skill to take responsibility, to be an authority. Perceive hierarchy. It's funny that these people do not know how to obey consciously "honestly". They do not obey, but are "led." In other words, they do not consciously decide to recognize someone's authority in a given situation, but by some unknown forces they are drawn into what is happening. They are often drawn into relationships in the same way. No wonder this behavior is called "field", as opposed to "volitional" - conscious.

There are no clear structures and frameworks. Therefore, priorities are also bad. And from here it is difficult with agreements and meeting deadlines. The contracts are being revised, as are the rules of the game as they go, and they themselves do not notice this. Almost comply with the contract. For example, handing over a job not on January 30, but on February 15 is already a different contract, but for them it is the same. At least they will not be accurately recorded at this moment. These people are often talented and hard-working, but due to the lack of commitment and inability to meet deadlines, they lose their best clients or employers.

They don't know how to get angry at all - it's a conflict. But if they are angry, then their anger is very unpleasant. These are men who start to break down, yell inadequately, raise their voices. From weakness. The ability to get angry, getting to know and managing your anger is one of the most useful skills - there is a lot of energy in anger and it is very important to be able to use it.

The feeling of the owner, the owner, above all of their own destiny, is not characteristic of them either. This is too responsible, definitely and, of course, aggressive.

How and when does the masculinity appear?

In the beginning, we all grow in the bosom of the Great Mother. This is our heavenly tabernacle, of course, before the Fall. This happiness lasts not only 9 months, but also for some time after leaving the womb. In this world, everything is abundant, everything is infinite, there are no boundaries and is not implied. You are me, I am you.

But gradually the world is changing. Change begins with boundaries. Between me and my mother, who turns out to be able to leave me of her own free will, she is not my hand or my leg, she is something separate, endowed with her own will. Between good and evil, between heaven and earth, between God and man. We take a bite of the apple (although some believe it was a banana) and enter our father's world. In this world there is already a hierarchy, authority, division into friends and foes, a beginning and an end.

Here comes struggle and competition, closely tied to aggression and the ability to handle it. Loss of contact with the male inner part (animus) interferes with the development of this skill. The territory of aggression is not developed. Perfect jungle. Therefore, a person, for example, can endure for a long time and quietly, and then kaaaak shies away. It gives out aggression in an inadequate form, and not at all because this particular moment was the most painful, but because it overflowed the cup.

By the way, the lack of a well-developed animus appears similarly in both men and women. These are the people about whom we speak "without a king in the head."

Where does the lack of an inner man come from?

The simplest reason is the absence of a male figure in upbringing and as a consequence of the patriarchal phase of personality development. The options can be any - the father was not there, he was often absent, did not take part in the upbringing, he himself was not rich with the animus (for the same reasons). This does not mean at all that a child without a father is doomed to underdevelopment of the animus. Male figures appear in our lives in different ways, at different stages and for their own time. It can be a grandfather, uncle, acquaintance, coach, teacher, friend …

It is important that the mother in such situations also understands that to some extent she herself will have to play both the role of an emotional and protective figure, as well as a strong-willed and limiting one. Those. be able to hug and ask sternly. It is also important to give the child on time and honestly the responsibility that he can already bear, not to suppress him in the embryo "no!", "I will be different!". At the same time, it is no less important to expose him to natural parental resistance and teach him to conflict. Learn to argue and quarrel.

I don't know what about the truth, but our inner man is, yes, born and tempered in disputes and conflicts. Just like the inner woman is in reconciliation.