2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Author: Zaikovsky Pavel Source:
Love and love addiction - these are completely different in their essence feelings, which many perceive as a single whole. The overwhelming majority of people are convinced that suffering from love means “feeling love”, and being dependent on a loving person means “truly loving him”. We must clearly realize that love addiction is in no way that light and life-inspiring feeling that we call the wonderful word "Love".
Love Is a life-affirming feeling that literally "inspires" a person allowing him to grow both spiritually and professionally. When a person loves with "healthy" love, he becomes more successful, successful, confident and calm, he gives joy not only to his loved one, but also to those around him at home and at work. A person is confident in himself, in his abilities, and most importantly he knows - he loves, he is loved.
Love addiction (addiction) - This is an illness during which a person feels constant fear of losing a loved one, stress and despair. Addiction can be compared to addiction to drugs, alcohol or gambling, bringing enormous endless suffering and fleeting moments of "happiness", but a person is ready for these torments. Such a person is completely immersed in the life of his beloved, he cannot think of anything except his beloved, he begins to control his every step, jealousy appears and a desire to acquire a loved one "into his own property."
The main differences between love and love addiction
1. Life position (main difference)
In love: I feel good with you, good without you, because I know that you love me, I feel good that you live in this world and that we are together.
With love addiction: I feel good only when you are near and I feel bad, when you are not, I breathe you, I miss you, I just cannot live without you, I experience bright crazy moments of happiness when we are together and boundless emptiness when you are not.
2. Relationships between people
In love: we equally love each other, as much as you love me, as much as I love you, we are equal, our feelings are constant and this is for a long time.
With love addiction: you are my "God", I am ready / ready to do whatever you want for you, I will give you everything, if only your loved one was there.
3. Attitude towards yourself
In love: I am a person, I am worthy of love, because they love me, and I love.
With love addiction: why should I love myself, if I love you, I am not sure of my beauty (what if he finds more beautiful than me), in his talents (what if he finds himself smarter than me), etc.
4. Feelings experienced by a person
In love: I am happy that I am loved, I am sure I am calm, tender and anxious about my beloved.
With love addiction: I am happy while you are around, and when you are not there I suffer from constant experiences on the topic “What if you…”, “What if…”, “Where are you (or who are you with) now…”, etc.
5. Behavioral characteristics
In love: I love it as I can, sincerely and with all my heart.
With love addiction: being afraid of losing a loved one, they play the role of an ideal lover, so as not to seem awkward, inept, or not passionate enough.
Phased development of addiction
Stage 1. After the first meetings, there comes a feeling of "endless happiness". A man in love "grows wings", he wants to love the whole world, to sing and scream with happiness. A desire arises to be with this person as often as possible, to see him, hear him, touch him.
Stage 2. There is a need to increase the dose of love … The desire to be close to a loved one grows into a need. The second stage can be divided into two periods: the first period - the expectation of a meeting, euphoria from the anticipation of happiness; the second period - during the meeting, the loved one becomes "little", you want him even more and more.
Stage 3. Reality does not match the expected and desired … After each next meeting, a gradual disappointment in a loved one begins: he does not reach the "ideal" which the dependent himself invented for himself. It turns out a 180 ° turn, when there is a feeling of disappointment, which leads to suffering. A person begins to visit thoughts: "I deserve only this" and from this he suffers even more, he tries to avoid meeting with his beloved, but from this he suffers even more.
Stage 4. An attempt to change a loved one to a fictitious ideal. These attempts naturally end in complete failure, and this gives the addict the following painful feelings: guilt, fear, anger and jealousy. And as a result, the addict wants to take revenge for the fact that the beloved turned out to be not the same as he "invented" it for himself, and there comes a complete disappointment in him.
Love addiction drains the physical and moral vitality of the addicted person, and he constantly lives on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
Possible consequences
For women: “Painful partings” give way to “happy returns”. Such "smoldering" relationships can last for years and bring small islands of euphoria in the endless ocean of pain and suffering, which are mistaken for "real happiness." This option is usually suitable for women (in men, this is extremely rare), who cannot live without such an addiction, they simply lose the meaning of life without a person who needs to be loved and to whom she is ready to obey.
For men: "Complete control over the situation, unconscious revenge." This option is more inherent in men who fell in love and experienced similar torment, torment, fear of loss and jealousy of their beloved. Disappointed in love, they try to keep everything under control in their next relationship. Quite unconsciously, they take revenge on another "beloved": first they seek a woman, then tame her, and then disappear "for a while" without explanation. He is well aware that if you leave a woman in the midst of a love relationship "just like that", then the woman will not be able to explain his disappearance and will wait, that is. become dependent on him. The man is sure (and not without reason) that when he returns, his woman will be happy and he will receive his share of euphoria. This means that at any moment you can “just disappear” and come back again. This behavior becomes habitual and starting manipulations at an unconscious level, a man is already quite consciously manipulating his woman, taking pleasure in the fact that it is not he, but she who has become “dependent”.
For women and men: "Having lost one" love ", the search for the next can begin." A person, having lost the “meaning of life”, is trying to forget this “unhappy love” and is looking for another person in whom it is simply necessary to fall in love. However, the next love ends with endless suffering. This is due to the fact that a person does not know calm happy love, but expects heartache, strong dependence, passionate love and all those negative feelings that this "pseudo-love" gives.
Methods for getting rid of love addiction (addiction)
The goal of getting rid of love addiction is not so much a simple way out of unequal love relationships, but the ability to change the very reasons for the appearance of such addiction, so that there are no more relapses. Otherwise, it will turn out that, after leaving one relationship, after some time you will again fall into them, hoping that now everything will be fine for sure.
Based on practice, it becomes clear that the overwhelming majority of women suffer from addiction, regardless of age, nationality and profession. And it is the women exhausted by this relationship who come to consultation with a psychologist for help in finding answers to the questions: "What can I do to forget him?", "What do I need to do to let him go from my heart?"
Method 1. Independent work on your psychological state
- Carry out auto trainings regularly: we come up with phrases that will indicate that you are a wonderful worker, a good housewife, that your friends love you, you have excellent health and much that will help you accept yourself as a happy person. Repeat these phrases before bed or in the morning before washing, and whenever you feel lonely.
- Every time you turn on the water at the tap, imagine that the water takes away your love for this person without a trace.
- Imagine how your loved one makes impartial physiological needs with all the details. Thus, you will stop "idealizing" him and it will be easier for you to eradicate adoration.
Method 2. A radical method of healing love addiction
To begin with, you need to clearly realize that the gap will be painful, but it must be done for your own good and your future happy, peaceful and calm life. Once passion has become destructive, it means it is necessary to eradicate it, no matter how hard it may be for you.
If you yourself have come to the conclusion that your love addiction poses a real threat to your life and health, then act radically:
- Mentally put a wall between yourself and your loved one who brought you so much suffering, while you need to repeat to yourself that you are a strong personality and you will cope with it.
- Destroy all postcards, gifts, erase all messages, delete it from friends on social networks and all photos on your phone and PC. Stop going to his page on social networks, do not look for personal meetings. You must understand the main thing - not supported by communication, personal meetings and promises, the feeling will pass more painlessly and faster.
- Sit down and remember all the bad things that this person did in your direction, all the offensive words that you heard from him and write it all down in the form of a list on a piece of paper. Place the list near your phone or in a prominent place. This must be done so that before you want to call or write to him again, you read it again.
- As one philosopher said: "If you have forgiven a person absolutely everything, then you are no longer interested in him." Therefore, imagine him next to you and say out loud that he tortured you, that apart from suffering you do not see anything from him, that you forgive him everything he did to you. Believe me, it really works.
- Make a written agreement that you undertake to forget this person within a month or a year (this period must be set so that you can actually implement it, for example, forgetting your loved one in a week - this is an unrealistic period and such an agreement will not lead to anything worthwhile, so please use only realistic dates). It is very effective to prescribe an incentive in the contract if the conditions are met in full.
Important! Quite often the following happens: you coped with your addiction, endured an insane desire to write or call him, suffered and suffered in bouts of loneliness crying at night, but coped and it really made you feel better, but … he / she calls and offers “start all at first". Having disappeared for six months, a person, seeing that you do not react in any way and do not look for meetings with him, he calls himself - this means: “You hurt his pride, he lost a person who depended on him and he is trying to restore his status quo and, most importantly, here we are not talking about true healthy love at all. He needs you only as a person who adores him, ready for anything for him. " Do you need it?
In conclusion, I would like to say that love addiction will never give you real full-fledged happiness, your relationship will not develop and in the end this addiction will destroy you from the inside, drain your vitality and make your life empty, and your personality insignificant. Get rid of it as quickly as possible and start living a fulfilling life with personal and professional growth, respecting yourself.
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