2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Forgiving is essential in a relationship. Forgiveness is normal if a number of conditions are met:
- The act is not one that cannot be forgiven. For example, deliberate harm to life or health (beatings as a special case) cannot be forgiven.
- We managed to discuss the situation. We managed to find out and discuss what exactly caused the pain - what kind of objective actions of the partner and what kind of subjective perception of these actions. The partners found a solution to avoid the repetition of such situations.
- If damage has been done, it is compensated. In some cases, it is enough to apologize, in some cases - it is necessary to compensate for material losses or do something emotionally pleasant.
- The partner really changed his behavior and problem situations do not recur. Some changes take time. For example, your partner needs to get used to not calling you "bunny." But there should be a noticeable change - that the partner remembers and tries to call you differently - exactly as you agreed with him.
How is it usually in life?
We forgive silently. We do not tell our partner anything that we are in pain or that something is unacceptable to us. Perhaps the partner could change his behavior, but he does not know about our pain. And we are afraid to tell him. As a rule, we are afraid to offend and destroy the relationship, we are afraid of losing a partner, but in the end we lose ourselves. Of course, it is worth discussing problems in a constructive manner.
Sometimes we talk about resentment, but this results in a quarrel and does not lead to a solution to the problem. In this case, it is worth learning the skills of discussing problems. The following books can help with this: “Nonviolent Communication” by M. Rosenberg, “Hold Me Tight” by S. Johnson, “7 Principles of a Happy Marriage” and “8 Important Dates” by J. Gottman.
Sometimes we talk, but the partner doesn't even want to listen, he can wave his hand and get away from the conversation. Perhaps we are not speaking constructively. But another thing is also possible - the partner is not ready to hear us. If constructive communication skills do not help, then, probably, the partner is simply not ready for a relationship and forgiving in this case is destructive both for himself and for the partner.
Sometimes the partner seems to be listening and even nodding, but in the end the situation does not change. Of course, in this case, forgiveness is meaningless and also destructive.
What should be done?
Determine for yourself what is important, valuable, necessary and comfortable for you in a relationship. And determine the boundaries of what is permissible: that you will not forgive at all, that you can forgive, but only once (discuss with your partner, of course), on the solution of what problems you are ready to work with your partner.
Master the skills of constructive communication. And let your partner know if something hurts you. It is worth reporting right away, do not endure. Our silence reinforces our partner's actions. If you cannot speak immediately, then you can speak when there is a resource. But do not forgive silently.
If your partner continues to hurt, then admit that the relationship is destructive.
Statements that “love is forgiveness” and “love is acceptance” are sometimes misunderstood and lead to permissiveness and disrespect.
Acceptance is also one of the important aspects of love.
It is difficult to choose a partner in whom nothing at all causes irritation or annoyance. Some things do not change and they can only be accepted - to admit that they are and will be, and to stop being annoyed.
However, this applies to those things that do not hurt us and do not become destructive for us. You can accept scattered socks. (Although for people of some psychotypes this will be destructive and should not really be accepted). But you can not accept alcoholism, because the dependence of a partner has a destructive effect on ourselves. You cannot accept a disrespectful attitude towards us, etc.
If we accept and forgive what is destructive for the partner or for us, then we encourage this, we reinforce the destructive behavior of the person. By staying in a destructive relationship, we deprive ourselves of health and shorten our lives.
More materials on this topic in my books:
"Codependency in its own juice"
"What do we confuse love with or love is …"
Books are available on Liters
Recommended:
How To Forgive A Person When You Cannot Forgive?
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