2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
It often happens that a woman officially marries a man, but psychologically she is married to her beloved mother.
- Mom, what should I wear? Will this dress fit?
- Mom, my husband offended me.
- Mom, look after our children while we are both at work.
- Mom, we can't do it without you.
- Mom, mom, mom, mom …
And it's okay that a woman is already more than 25, or even more than 40. It is as if she cannot step without her mother, as if she is still 10 years old.
And mom is happy to try.
As a child, my mother repeated:
“You can't do it yourself, but what can you do yourself? You are unlucky, my daughter. All your decisions are mistakes. And I told you. Always listen to mom, mom knows better."
As a result of such messages, an adult daughter is tightly attached to her mother. She is fully confident in her helplessness to live an adult life:
“It’s better to ask my mother, otherwise I’ll make fun of the chickens again.”
Result:
"Mom is irreplaceable." It's okay that the husband looks askance at his wife and her mother, silently making it clear: "There is too much of your mother in our life, I'll go drink beer with friends."
As a child, my mother repeated:
“No one will love you more than your mother, you have only one mother and she is the closest and most valuable person to you. Mom loves you so much that she will give her life for you. You are the meaning of my life, daughter. Take care of your mom, don't upset her."
Having been fed with mother's slogans since childhood, the daughter is unable to tell her mother, “No, I’m not so comfortable, I don’t want that. Mom, I should be with my husband. Your repair can wait."
But no! “What if the holy being gets offended and stops talking to me, or else, God forbid, it will die from the fact that I begin to live with my mind and, first of all, satisfy my needs. Yes, and I do not have my own mind and needs of my own, and when I was born, I did not. And there is nothing of its own. Better to remain silent. Mom is sacred. I am grateful to my mother for everything and now I owe her the coffin of my life. Mom gave life, raised her, suffered, did not divorce dad because of me, did not make a career because of me, did not buy things for herself in the same one for years. How can I tell my mom that I don't want to go to her house for Christmas?"
Result: “Mom is a hero. Mom is the ideal. Mom is sacred. Mom has power over her daughter's life. The daughter is always under mom's control."
As a child, my mother used to say:
“Tell your mom everything. There should be no secrets from mom. Mom will always come to the rescue, you just call."
Believing her mother, the daughter brings her beloved mother to the bride, otherwise she suddenly won’t like it. Not getting along with your husband? The daughter runs to her mother, and she is glad to try to add oil to the fire: “Why is it that he comes home from work so late. How else does he have someone?"
Result: "Mom is the best friend in the world." With her husband, the distance is more and more. I don't want sex at all. The husband is constantly discontented walks, began to disappear at work with friends."
So yes! A man needs an adult woman, not a child tied by the umbilical cord of feelings of guilt and helplessness to his mother. Normal men do not sleep with children! And normal children do not sleep with adult men! So, in general, everything is fine and everything is in its place.
Such a marriage with a constellation: Mother-in-law, wife-husband and child, as a result, tends to zero. Since the mother-in-law multiplies the young family system by zero, crushing it under herself.
In fact, she pushes a man out of marriage with her daughter, stubbornly taking her place. She, of course, can adopt a son-in-law, if he agrees to it. And he will agree if he is an infant. The picture in this case looks like this: Mother-in-law is the Great mother of three children: her daughter, her husband and grandson.
The situation is aggravated if the Great Mother has no man, no husband. All her attention turns to her daughter and grandson, and she literally, like a cancer, is eating away at her daughter's marriage.
But, if a man has at least a drop of health left in his brains, he will fight with his mother-in-law, fight and leave at the end.
A young family system must build clear boundaries with both parenting systems. Young spouses should only accept help from the parenting system if they are psychologically separated from their parents and at any time can say “No” and “Stop” to their parents and the older generation without feeling guilty or fearful of losing the support of the older generation.
Psychological separation from the older generation occurs when you calmly refuse your parents, despite the fact that they help you with their time and money, and if you refuse, you are not afraid to be manipulated by your parents on the basis of a sense of failure, gratitude, guilt and fear of losing communication, love and help.
Psychological separation is when you are free to live your life, when you do not feel trapped in codependency with your parents and are not afraid to hear the reproach of ingratitude.
Remember that you do not owe anything to your parents through force. You can only give them your love voluntarily without their pressure and manipulation.
And give only what you have! Duty love is violence!
Psychologist Yulia Latunenko.
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