2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Author: Burkova Elena. Psychologist, Master of CBT Psychologist
I continue the topic of codependency in relationships. There are more articles about codependent women, while men can also be codependent.
In this article and in the following, I will describe the different codependent roles of women and men.
Role # 1 - "Daddy Man" and "Mommy Woman"
A daddy man marries infantile women or women who are ready to listen to him with their mouths open, ask for advice, demonstrate their ineptitude, constantly give him compliments and show them how much they need him.
Such a man has a very expressed need for fatherhood, mentoring, recognition and praise.
A daddy man is inclined to control his wife even in small things, he takes on the main responsibilities of the house, paying bills and even cooking, often refusing to buy necessary things, in rest in favor of his wife, whose behavior, on the contrary, is rather selfish. From such a man you can hear: "I didn't buy myself a new jacket so that my girl could buy herself a new set of expensive underwear."
He likes to call his wife nothing more than a girl. Allows his wife to "sit on her neck" in many ways, tolerates her capricious disposition and knows when she runs out of sanitary napkins. He rushes to the rescue even when he is not asked about it.
All this he gives in exchange for satisfying his need for care, for "need". Through his care, the husband gradually forms the learned helplessness in his wife; not ready to put up with the fact that the wife may have her own opinion and personal autonomy; treats her with tenderness, but at the same time, condescendingly, assuring that without him she will be lost, she will not be able to buy bread or pay the rent.
In sex, such a husband prefers to dominate, fantasizing about a nymphet whom he corrupts or punishes for disobedience.
Mommy woman unconsciously chooses poor men (drinkers, gamblers, irresponsible, constantly getting into trouble) as their husbands, or they become disabled already in the process of living together, when the wife depreciates any of their undertakings, takes on their responsibilities, zealously demonstrating their self-sufficiency and inadequacy of their betrothed. masquerading to their expectations: "Yes, sit already, I'll open it myself."
Emphasizing the inferiority, the failure of her husband against the background of her sacrifice and perseverance, she thereby asserts herself, gets a sense of her own significance and irreplaceability.
From a letter from a woman-mother:
That's when my husband became my son. Well, he came drunk, well, okay. She undressed him, fed him from a spoon, put him to bed, somehow it became calmer. Didn't bring money, well, okay. I will count how much is left, buy noodles, eggs, interrupt for a week. I don’t force him to do anything, I don’t shake his nerves and myself. Then I had to quit, my daughter was often ill. I went to work as a cleaner in the stairwell. The second daughter was born. When I was walking with a stroller, I was asked if we have a dad and why he never walks with a child. He came home mostly at night, from time to time he was not at home at all for two or three days. I lie there at night, listening to see if they have brought it. Sometimes it seems to me that someone will come and say that he is lying breathless. Then the heart contracts. When sober, he is usually gloomy and taciturn. A drunk sometimes says: "How do you live with me, how much patience do you have?" And I need a little for joy. I would only like to see how he listens to his eldest daughter, when she plays the piano in the club, and how she builds a house out of bricks with a little one … ".
At first glance, a mother woman demonstrates self-denial and unconditional love, but she also has a secondary, not always realized, benefit of such behavior: to disable, bind to herself, feel needed, a savior, and at the same time feel her unlimited power over her dependent husband …
By constantly fulfilling the duties of a husband, a wife deprives him of the opportunity to learn from his mistakes.
Someone alone has to end this unhealthy relationship. Either the "little boy / girl" will rebel and be freed from overprotection, or the wife / husband will cease to play the role of parent.
However, spouses themselves often resist giving up their usual roles. they consider autonomy to be threatening, and they do not know how it could be otherwise.
To be continued…
* Illustrations: Angela Jerich.
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