2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
The longing for "mother's love" and its acceptance for many remains for decades, even for life. Grown men and women literally "go out of their way" to please their mother - they betray their needs and refuse their way, sometimes they give birth to children when the mother presses hard. But all is in vain. There is no "mother's love", there is no consolation and recognition "that you are good and the best for her."
Some, just next to their mother, experience an acute feeling of loneliness and emptiness, and then project and transfer it to all spheres of life. Others, right next to their mother, meet with their aggressiveness and remain for the rest of their lives in an internal struggle for the mask "I am good and correct, in fact I am not angry."
Yes, this is not a statistical error, quite often, in child-parental relationships, either codependency or abuse is established, and even in a severe form. Some fall into despair, others in the eternal search for a kind and loving mother. In both cases, this is not an agreement with reality, a desire to change or remake your past, and most importantly, your mother.
What kind of mother do many dream of? Kind, loving, patient, understanding, 24/7 smiling and always ready to help. She does not have her own life, her sorrows and sorrows, her loneliness or trauma, which she hides from the child all her life, simply because she is ashamed. She should flutter, have fun, laugh and give attention and love all the time. Because she a priori cannot have a bad mood, the goat of her boss, her unloved husband, traitors to her friends, pain and disappointment in life and her destiny.
Yes, we can go to our mother with tenderness and warmth, trust and openness, and in return receive rudeness, contempt or ridicule. Just because we are different - we are children, and mother is a parent. And moms don't have to be one-sided, sweet and sugary for their children. Because it is through mom that life is learned - unpredictable, sudden, sometimes mocking, sometimes cynical.
In my clinical practice, I saw a huge number of children who expected a miracle from their mother, and for whom she was what she was. “My mother is angry,” one girl told me, “she just has a hard life, she has nowhere to go.” "I hate my mother," the boy said, "I loved her, and she betrayed me."
Mothers are different: cruel, stinging, devaluing, weak, indifferent, but children can never remake them. But there is always a choice - to guard your anger at mom for the fact that she turned out to be not what she dreamed of. Or change your reaction to your mom. More precisely, to finally see your mother exactly as she is in reality, with her strength, uniqueness and all the gifts that are intended only for you.
This is allowing yourself to grow up, allowing yourself to meet your real mother and giving up all illusions and vain expectations.
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