2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Why does the feeling of love disappear? Why do our relationship stories repeat themselves?
Establishing a new relationship, we always try to find in a loved one exactly the one who understands us better than anyone else, who unconditionally accepts us and loves who we are. And most importantly, it will magically heal our deepest wounds. All our lives we are in search of the Ideal Lover. At the same time, we rarely realize that this image and expectations for it are shaped by our past, riddled with deep unconscious traumas and our individual history of early childhood development.
This image is associated with the transfer to another of the fantasy that he (or she) will heal, protect, take care of me and relieve me of the anxiety associated with my inner growing up.
But, as much as we would like, the other will not be able to calm our worries, to anesthetize the meeting with the uncontrollable real world. And it is the moment of realizing that the person we meet does not correspond to our idea of an omnipotent wizard that destroys the feeling of falling in love. And until we give up the desire to see ourselves in another, we will not be able to build a relationship with a real person, with our own merits and demerits.
The well-being and prospect of any close relationship depends on the desire of each partner to take responsibility for meeting their worries, fears, expectations and the degree of their awareness. It is this desire that will allow everyone not to recognize (see what is familiar, and therefore - his own in the other), but to recognize the other.
It takes a lot of courage to ask yourself an important question: "From what I want from this other, what should I do for myself?"
If I am waiting for care, i.e. parenting, so I'm not too old yet. If I expect that the other will relieve me of the fears and anxieties associated with living my life, does it mean that I deviate from my true purpose and the realization of my own life story?
Everything that we ask about a partner must be addressed to ourselves in order to realize all those personal difficulties that we tend to transfer to a partner.
Relationships are important and necessary so that noticing the other as truly different, we move towards our development, and not towards regression, dissolving deeper and deeper in a partner, penetrating our own complexes.
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