The Courage To Be Imperfect

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

But there are many of us

Those who are trying to catch everything and please everyone. Ideal housekeeping: clean shells, shining windows, hot for breakfast, lunch and dinner (it would be nice to embroider some kind of tablecloth as well). Take care of every breath of your child and worry about every trouble in his life until soothing drops. To blow off specks of dust from your beloved husband and indulge all his whims, which do not correspond to his considerable age for a long time. Never in any way let the boss down, agree to any job and unquestioningly help out colleagues. Always look well-groomed, joyful and contented. Do not be rude in queues and government agencies. Do not lose your temper in public. Do not honk the hamam on the road. Smile to everyone. Obey your mom unconditionally. Oh yes, obey your mother!

The list of demands that good girls make of themselves is endless. And what do we have for such sacrifices? Only in all honesty! Ignoring your own desires and needs. Fulfillment of other people's duties. Dependence on the opinions of others. Dissatisfaction with yourself. Constantly haunting guilt. Suppressed anger and, as a result, headaches and insomnia. Then please answer, for whom are we trying?

With mother's milk

Obedient girls are a whole phenomenon in world history, which has been formed for centuries (and centuries more will be spent fighting this phenomenon by the girls themselves)! And we, with our submissive Ukrainian mentality, very easily fit into it. From infancy, mothers and fathers repeated to us: "Be obedient!"

If a boy in the sandbox took away a shovel and we threw ourselves at him with our fists, we were sharply pulled back: "Good girls don't fight!" But when we rushed behind my mother's back crying, we were comforted and praised.

We were told what we should be: kind, good, gentle, modest, sympathetic.

They read us fairy tales about obedient and hardworking Cinderellas and Snow White, who met handsome princes as a reward, but the nasty and evil sloths, of course, stayed with their nose.

In general, parenting lessons, cinema, literature, society's expectations - all this has put in our heads a certain image of an ideal self, to which we are trying to correspond in all areas of our life. Is it real? Who benefits from this? And what happens if we allow ourselves to behave differently from what is expected of us?

Vacation according to my script

28-year-old Marina has been living in a civil marriage for four years. She, like most of us, was taught by her mother to be a meek and obedient wife. She recently came to disappointing conclusions: “I cook what my husband loves. We have sex when he wants to. We rest the way he likes. I am silent about his habits, which annoy me. At home, we only talk about his success …”What did Marina's desire to be a wonderful, comfortable, understanding wife lead to? To the fact that she began to accumulate irritation over trifles (after all, any emotions require an exit), which resulted in a banal neurosis.

One might get the impression that Marina's husband is the last reptile and home tyrant, from whom one must flee the sooner the better. Far from it! Marina herself put herself in the framework she had invented, she prescribed herself the script of an ideal wife, which she strictly followed for a long time. What did she expect in return? At least the same attitude on the part of the spouse. But this is a very common female mistake! We keep silent about our interests and needs, hoping that our beloved will solve the riddle of the sphinx and do as we dream. Naive! Men have more important things to do. So the rescue of the drowning is the work of the drowning themselves.

Do you know how this story ended? Once Marina decided once in her life to do what she wants. And she did not go to rest at the usual camp site, where her husband called, but organized a seven-day excursion across Europe. The beloved was delighted! That is, nothing terrible happened. Everyone was happy! Moreover, after a few remarks, Artem taught himself to put his socks in the laundry drawer and throw away used tea bags in the trash. All the restrictions that Marina set herself were exclusively in her head!

“A woman is trying to please her man, because in her heart she is afraid that he will … leave her,” comments psychologist Tatiana Arzhannikova. - This fear is also imposed by society.

Note, we say: “she stayed on her own,” “her husband left her,” but you rarely hear the wording: “he stayed on his own.”

Analyze what you fear when you try to please your husband in everything. That he will leave you, realizing that the purpose of your life is not to cook him pasta with parmesan and wash clothes? Numb to learn that you are not at all as charming as you pretended to be?

And what is more important for him: a happy and satisfied wife or cleaned floors?"

Mom who does not cheat on herself

A good mother has children that are neat, healthy and obedient. She always knows what to feed them, how to treat them and which sections to drive. If a good mother cannot be with her child in the evening, she does not find a place for herself because of a sense of guilt. In general, she is obliged to sacrifice her interests for the sake of the child. Her self-realization is in children. And it doesn't matter that the children themselves do not always need it …

Can you find a golden compromise between your needs and your child's? Ivanna succeeded. She is a born business woman. At 25, she already had her own marketing agency. Not surprisingly, two weeks after the birth of her eldest daughter, she was already working. Three years later, another man appeared in her life, she again became a mother. “During this time, I rethought a lot in family relationships, I wanted to devote more time to my husband and children. But I could not leave the business! I understood: if I become an ideal mother in the public sense, I will lose myself,”she recalls. A year after the birth of her youngest daughter, Ivanna became pregnant again. She now has three wonderful girls and continues to run the firm. According to her, it was with great difficulty that she got rid of the stereotype: to be a good mother, you need to spend every minute with your child. At home, she organized a Waldorf children's group, her little ones go to Sunday school, every weekend the family rests together. Daughters naturally accept that their mother is a busy person and want to be like her.

“Imagine you were offered a very interesting seminar on Saturday. You are faced with a choice: sacrifice your desire in order to spend time with your child, or go to a seminar, while tormented by a sense of guilt. Few people consider the third way: attend a seminar and have fun without feeling guilty, says the psychologist. “But the child wants to see a contented mother next to him, and not an irritable and angry one!”

Conclusions suggest themselves. Mom can afford to work. Sometimes the children can be left to the husband. Nothing bad will happen if the child doesn't eat the soup today. And even if he goes to bed at 11, you will remain a wonderful mom. Because children need our love, not the observance of rules invented by someone!

The chef will be shocked

Irina came to Kiev from the Kharkov region. Throughout her childhood, she heard the words of her parents: "Study, daughter, to get out of this wilderness." Now she was working as an Assistant Sales Director for a multinational company and was ready to put all her energy into making a career. Irina came to the office at nine in the morning and left at nine in the evening. In her life there was nothing but work. She flawlessly fulfilled all the orders of the chief, went on business trips, took overtime assignments. Several years passed in this way. Alas, she could not find a permanent boyfriend - there was no time to build relationships. But it was raised a little. Once the light went out in the office, and Ira was forced to leave it at 18-00. Her surprise knew no bounds: it turns out that you can leave work before dark! But what to do with herself, the girl did not find. In the end, she and two colleagues, the same workaholics, sat in a nearby cafe until evening …

This story is sad. Irina dreamed of becoming the director of the department, but a colleague was put in this place, who came much later than her. The authorities did not want to appreciate Irina's dedication. At the age of 30, the girl quit because she realized that she no longer finds happiness in a hopeless job. For a very long time she could not bring herself to look for a new place - she burned out.

“We are taught to work well, not to be realized,” Tatiana Arzhannikova believes. - Again, a woman finds herself in captivity of stereotypes: "you need to build a career", "the struggle for power is bad", "I must obey the boss."

Are you implementing your own scenario? Maybe you need not to pore in the office, but to be creative? Or, on the contrary, discarding shame and doubts, to show masculine qualities of character? Nobody will answer this question except you."

Tipping for rudeness

Julia and her husband went to a sushi bar, attracted by the tasty word "Action!" Whoever orders two portions receives a third one as a gift. At 17-00 they made an order, at 18-30 they hadn't brought sushi yet. The husband was inclined to get up and leave, but Yulia considered this behavior to be wrong. In the end, they waited for their order, however, the food was not tasty, and the waiter was rude. The husband paid the bill to the nearest penny. But Julia furtively added a 10 hryvnia tip. "Why did you do this?" - the husband tried to understand. “It’s indecent not to tip,” said Yulia. "What will they think of us?"

Here is the key phrase of many of our troubles: what will they think of us? Girls-excellent pupils know the rules of behavior in society by heart. We are afraid to appear ugly, angry, impolite in the eyes of others. We ask, curry favor, constantly feel uncomfortable, worry that we will disturb others. At the same time, no one will appreciate such behavior, it bears dubious results. And sometimes it is completely absurd: for example, some women clean up before the housekeeper comes so that she does not consider the hostess a slob.

Do not go to extremes

We do not at all urge readers to become boorish and selfish, to spit on the opinions of others, to walk over corpses to what they want, or to live as it is convenient only for them. Any of our actions or inaction affects those who are around, this must be remembered. But this does not mean at all that we have to sacrifice ourselves, adjusting to the expectations of others. It's just about living to your fullest, enjoying every minute, and not wasting your energy on maintaining the image of a good girl.

What are perfectionists afraid of?

We are told a lot and very often what we should be: how to look, what to say, how to work. And we ourselves, without realizing it, strive to correspond to the social ideal. Why are we so scared not to live up to the expectations of those around us? It's simple. A woman who declares her needs and begins to satisfy them, who decides to go against the rules, causes condemnation in society. And we are terrified of this! After all, then society will give us a bad mark, no one wants to be friends with us, and a beloved man may even leave …

In fact, all the obstacles to happiness are only in our own head. And nothing terrible will happen if we do what we like, and not what is expected of us. In those moments when you feel an inner dissatisfaction with life, I suggest asking yourself the following questions:

Is what I am doing now bringing me closer to my dream?

Am I enjoying it?

Am I implementing what I really like?

With what thought do I wake up in the morning?

What am I afraid of when I try to look perfect in the eyes of others?

It's my wish?

Allow yourself

Of course, exemplary girls will not dare to do this. But a woman who loves herself may well …

• do not wipe dust daily;
• sometimes being ugly;
• spend a little money every month on your selfish desires;
• show what she feels;
• take care of other people;
• wear what she wants, and not "status things";
• eating chocolate without guilt;
• do not iron bed linen;
• sometimes walk without a manicure;
• ask your husband to cook dinner;
• take the children to their grandmother;
• refuse to do someone else's work;
• spend the vacation the way she wants.

Photographer Antonia Yordanova.

A series of pin-up photos for ELLE magazine