2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Leader, colleague, spouse, child, parents, salesman, stranger on the street. Their arguments, requests, charms and pressure are sometimes difficult to resist. You have to agree to do what you did not plan at all, buy what you did not want, spend your energy and time on something that will not bring any benefit or pleasure. Situations can be different, only the unpleasant aftertaste of one's own powerlessness, tiredness, irritation and anger remains the same.
WHY IT IS SOMETIMES DIFFICULT TO SAY NO
Remember your childhood. Obedience, complaisance and willingness to put aside one's interests at any time were encouraged, and refusal was considered rude, selfish and offensive. Under what circumstances could you say “No” to an adult without repercussions? Clear instructions were for those cases when you suddenly meet a maniac luring you into your car, a "bad company" offering to try drugs, soulful cultists hunting for your bright soul and grandmother's apartment, or someone's mother treating you with a delicious allergen. And in cases when people turn to you for help, trust, hope for a response or skillfully manipulate - you have to endure and agree.
Often times, this experience comes up in adulthood and automatically deprives us of the right to choose. And the fact is that you always have the right to refuse or agree.
It is interesting that the willingness to say "Yes", to take on any job and to use open opportunities allows you to achieve a high level of professionalism, respect and trust, but at some point it becomes a noose, "squeezing oxygen". One of the trodden paths to chronic Burnout is through "always say yes."
IT'S IMPORTANT TO KNOW
- Your readiness for labor exploits and sacrifice by your own interests is based on the most ancient social instincts.
- Avoiding situations where you have to refuse is a dead-end path, it is better to learn how to refuse correctly.
- The ability to say "No" is a skill that can be trained and honed.
- You may not answer right away, but use the pause and think carefully.
- Refusal does not mean that you are rude, rude and that you have a bad temper.
- Refusal does not mean that you are asking for conflict.
- Refusal does not mean ruining the relationship.
- You have your own priorities and needs, just like other people have theirs.
- By saying "No" you respect and value your time and space.
SAY NO
The ability to say "No" literally has a bodily, motor basis. A characteristic gesture is an outstretched hand. The body needs to know what it is like to SAY NO. Mouth, lips, tongue - must be able to add three cherished letters. The voice does not fall into falsetto or wheeze. In this case, it is important not to look away or hold your breath.
So. Practice. Remember one of the last cases of such a complex rejection. Imagine this person in front of you. And say "No", accompanying with a characteristic gesture. Concentrating your attention first on the sensations of tension in the muscles of the arm, then on the voice: volume, timbre, intonation, pitch, speed, then on the gaze: direct, open, and then on breathing: calm, even, without delay. Try it a few times, watching the sensations change.
If you are having difficulty, then try the following.
CHOOSE YOUR DISCLAIMER FORMULATION
Sometimes there may be an internal prohibition on the use of the word "No". Perhaps the first early experience of rejection was very traumatic. You will understand this from previous practice. If the word "No", accompanied by the characteristic gesture of an outstretched hand, causes a lot of difficulties and emotions, then more detailed formulations will help you. Here are a few:
ADVANCED "NO"
- Yes, I see that it is very difficult for you, but in this situation I cannot help you.
- I understand that you are very tired, but I will not be able to fulfill your request.
- You have a really serious problem, obviously. But I cannot solve it.
JUSTIFIED "NO"
- I cannot do this because … (state the real reason).
- I cannot do this for two reasons …
DELAYED "NO"
- I can't tell you now, I don't remember exactly all my plans for …
- Before answering, I need (I want) to consult with …
- Can I tell you a little later? I need to think.
- I need time to weigh my options.
- This is new information for me, I cannot tell right away. When is the last time for me to answer?
COMPROMISE "NO"
- I’m ready to help you (move furniture), but not (pack things).
- I can (give you a lift to work), but only if (by a quarter past eight you will be standing at the agreed place).
- I do not have the opportunity (to visit you every day), but I can do it (every Wednesday and Friday).
DIPLOMATIC "NO"
- Maybe I can help you in some other way?
- I don't have a ready-made solution right now. I suggest we sort this out together.
- I am not entirely competent in this matter, but I can recommend contacting …
I will end with the fact that a deliberate, calm, confident, benevolent "No" often does not need additional formalization of reasons for refusal.
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