2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Each of us sometimes finds himself in situations where the other needs help. The car stalled, I do not have time to pick up the child from the kindergarten, the money on the phone ran out … However, requests are not always adequate. A good friend drove away and said that he urgently needed to meet his mother-in-law's friend at the airport, and that he himself could not, because at a corporate party he would have to drink not only juice. Friday night on the couch in front of the TV is canceled or an urgent need to find a good reason. This one will do: something clicks in the rear wheel, I definitely won't get to the airport, and just tomorrow I'm going to a car service, to which, I'm afraid, I won't get there either. Or a relative urgently needed a loan for five years. But you never know offers and requests, which in the most natural way need to be refused. The request is completely ridiculous, but something makes you find a good reason. Is it worth looking for her? An internal dialogue begins in an attempt to smooth over the situation.
- He will think that I do not value our relationship, he can come in handy when I need it, it is important to be good in the eyes of other people.
- But, I would never turn to him in such a case. These are his problems, and he must understand this! Conflicting thoughts cause discomfort and spoil your mood. It feels like you are being used. Why, then, is the reason?
Obviously, this kind of request violates personal boundaries. The normal response is to make it clear that this is unacceptable. In other words, just say no. But now, at this moment, the habit inherent in upbringing turns on. Many parents interact with the child only from the position of the "main" and never enter into a dialogue with him, do not give him the opportunity to decide something, even in small things. They just “push” obedience. If opinions are never asked, then the habit of having and expressing them is also not formed. The child is forced to disagree, but to adapt. The habit does not disappear with age. As soon as the personal boundaries, now of an adult, are threatened, and this happens when they want something from him, the parents always wanted something - this serves as a trigger, a kind of button for switching to a child's position, it is also the position of the victim … And there he has to be good, meet expectations, try … And he begins to behave as then: look for excuses, come up with good reasons instead of just saying "no."
The notorious transitional age crisis in adolescents is associated with a change in the child's thinking and a delayed parental response to this. The personal boundaries of grown-up children take on outlines for which parents are not always ready. This provokes a riot. Such a reaction can also take hold. As a result, instead of a simple "no", a violent expression of displeasure follows - how dare you make such a request!
The child has grown up, but he simply does not know what it is: to defend his personal boundaries in an adult way, upbringing did not give such an experience. At work, job descriptions somehow regulate this, but in other respects such people all the time fall into the position of a victim or an angry parent - now it is possible and so, he is an adult. Only one type of interaction, strong and weak or vice versa, and no constructive dialogue. Moreover, these boundaries themselves are blurred, because the parents did not give the opportunity to form them in their time, they themselves did not really understand this.
The consequences of not fulfilling a strange request are not at all terrible, but it is not so easy to get rid of the habit. Essentially, a habit is an addiction. In response to familiar stimuli, a standard, repetitive and firmly established response follows. This happens automatically. And now, instead of a simple "I won't" or "I don't want" there is a feverish search for excuses or an explosion of indignation. Both are emotional, but this emotionality is excessive. It is not caused by the situation itself, but by the inability to respond correctly. There, inside, a small frightened child freezes. Like a devil out of a snuff box, the fear of rejection jumps out, so inappropriate now from the point of view of the adult rational part. What matters is not what he asks for, but how you react to it.
However, the request may not be impudent, but the most common one, it is not difficult to fulfill it, but for some reason I do not want to do it. And fear quietly whispers: do it, just in case, you won't lose it. On the one hand, an adult desire, and on the other, an inner child who is afraid. To do it means to calm him down, but at the same time there is an unpleasant feeling of his own disrespect. You are led by your own fear.
A wonderful episode in Bulgakov's "Heart of a Dog". Activists offer Professor Preobrazhensky to buy a newspaper. The proposal is clearly out of place and at the wrong time. This is a clear violation of his personal boundaries. The wrong defense involves excuses or resentment, and he calmly says, "I don't want to." This confuses the opponent, in his, more precisely, in her world, it is not customary to be guided by your desires, you need to adapt. What follows is an attempt to manipulate feelings for children. But any manipulation becomes meaningless, because the adult part of the professor controls the professor's behavior, and emotions are inappropriate in this case. Alas, there are more examples of the opposite in life. "How can you tell me about this!" "She offered me this yesterday, can you imagine!" - the usual phrases, followed by rejection and indignation, which smoothly flow into obsessive thoughts and insidious plans for revenge.
In each of us there is a childish part, when they attack, you cannot turn off the emotion completely, but an adult must lead the response. It's time to intervene, mentally warm up, call yourself by name, calm down and make an adult decision, and not run away from fear along with a frightened inner child.
Resentment, this is a childish feeling. The child is egocentric, he is the center of the universe, and he takes responsibility for the feelings of the other: if my mother is offended, then I am bad. He does not yet understand that my mother may be in a bad mood for completely different reasons, that he is not at all to blame for her unjustified expectations … It is difficult for us to grow up psychologically. We are offended ourselves, we are afraid of offending another and this greatly complicates our life.
An adult is not afraid to say "No" calmly.
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