2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
I described my attitude to forgiveness in a previous articlebut here we will talk about confusion. I think this confusion is primarily due to the fact that the offense is real and imaginary. And it is important to distinguish between them.
So, I divide grudges into real and imaginary (grievances that no one caused).
Real offense - this is when you had a contract and the partner did not fulfill this contract, did it wrong, and you suffered damage.
The contract can be both personal and public. For example, the law in this country is a social contract that is binding on the territory of that country.
Imaginary insult (an offense that no one caused) - you did not have a contract, you just hoped that the partner would act in a certain way. Perhaps you thought that everything was clear anyway, perhaps a person did this for 20 years and you expected that he would continue to do the same. The main thing is that there was no agreement, which means there is no reason to demand.
I will repeat once again, otherwise many people simply cannot grasp this idea: there was a contract - there are grounds to demand, there was no contract - there are no grounds to demand and there are no grounds to be offended either. Nobody caused an offense.
It is worth making a reservation here that with an imaginary offense, emotions are not imaginary at all, they are absolutely sincere and completely real, not invented. Only an excuse to be offended is imaginary. That is, the resentment itself is completely real. But it has no foundation.
Imaginary insult is perceived by the offended himself as having grounds. Perhaps he will even find several people who fall into a similar illusion and support him.
99% of grievances are grievances that no one has caused. These are our unrealized expectations, not a contract. That is, we expected, but the person did not. Here are some common examples:
One friend calls another and offers to go to a store / cinema / cafe together (underline as appropriate). She refuses. Does the first have reason to be offended? There is no such reason! Because the second is a free person, no one can demand that she go to a cafe if she does not want to. The fact that they have been friends for 10 years is not a basis for demands and grievances. Why? Because during these 10 years of friendship, they did not draw up an agreement according to which they SHOULD each other go to a cafe. They did it of their own free will, not under duress. Even if a person for 10 years did something of his own free will, and you expected that he would continue to do it, then this is your problem, you miscalculated, fell into an illusion, your expectations were inadequate.
The wife is offended that the husband does not wash the dishes or invest in household chores. Or the husband is offended that dinner is not prepared. What reasons do they have to be offended? They have a marriage contract, which says: the wife must cook dinner every day, and the husband must wash the dishes? If there is no such contract, then the spouses do their homework on a voluntary basis, that is, at will. And none of them hurt each other.
Children are offended by their parents that they did not give them something in childhood. The parents gave as much as they could, as much as they had. If they didn’t give something, then they didn’t have it, they couldn’t give it. Taking offense at them is like taking offense at a cat for not barking and not guarding the house. From your resentment, she will not do what she cannot. And it shouldn't be to blame for your expectations.
Parents are offended by their children for the fact that they rarely come and do not pay enough attention. Children live their lives. It's high time to let them go and take care of yourself. Parental resentment is the last desperate way to keep children around you. Children are alive, they came to this world not to satisfy the needs of their parents, but to live their lives. And for the parents they will do exactly as much as there is gratitude and love.
Should or shouldn't?
Clients often ask me "who owes whom", and I answer. Here are the frequently asked questions and frequently answered answers:
one.“Why shouldn't he? I'm counting on him (her)!"
Whether you count or not is purely your business, you have the right. This does not make the other person owed. Again. Our expectations do not make a person due. Try it the other way around and everything will fall into place. Imagine being suddenly told:
- I hoped that you would give me your car to drive / borrow money / buy a fur coat …
And I already want to say that I don't owe anyone, right?
2. "Well, he (a) always did that (a)!"
Yes, I did it of my own free will. Has now stopped. It is better not to explain anything here, but to tell an anecdote:
On the street, Moishe begs for alms. Abram walks by every day and gives him 5 shekels. This goes on for many years, but suddenly one fine day Abram gives Moishe only one shekel. Moishe exclaims:
- Abramchik! What? Did I make you sad somehow??
- Moishe, what are you! I just got married yesterday and I can't be so wasteful.
- People!! Look at this! He got married yesterday, and now I have to support his family!
This fact is unpleasant, but it is true. We can in no way guarantee that a person will continue to do for us today what he did before for many years.
3. “Why should this be discussed? Don't you understand yourself?"
Because not all people think the way you do. Some have the audacity to think and live differently))
4. "So it is accepted!"
So where? By whom? Was it like that in your family? And in their family it was - as is customary? It is accepted in different ways by different people, which is why people agree. If it was the same for everyone, then we would walk like North Koreans in the same clothes and with the same haircut. Thank God, we are different and we can show it.
5. "So, he (a) does not love me!"
This manipulation is called “if you love, you must”. The correct answer to it is: “Love is separate, and a fur coat is separate. I love love, but I won't buy a fur coat, I have no money. Love is voluntary; love cannot be a duty or obligation.
6. “Why are you psychologists for such people! Listen to you, so no one owes anything to anyone! If you live like this, then nothing will happen at all, no family, no relationships."
If nobody does anything, then it won't, of course. And if you do it out of debt, then you will want to escape from such a relationship. All the same, I propose to do something for loved ones, but not out of duty, but out of desire, out of love and gratitude, that is, voluntarily. Then the relationship will not be a heavy burden, but a pleasant meeting.
What to do?
So, we have 2 types of grievances: real and imaginary. What to do with real grievances, I wrote in detail in my previous article. But what to do with imaginary offenses?
Very simple. For an imaginary offense it is necessary … to apologize. After all, we demanded from a person what he could not or did not want to give, right? They demanded unreasonably, right? Blamed? It is logical to withdraw your demand and apologize.
- Forgive me, husband, that required you to wash the dishes. You are a free person and you decide for yourself when to wash it or not to wash it at all. I have no right to demand, I only have the right to ask you about it. Thank you for washing sometimes.
“I'm sorry, wife, for demanding dinner from you. I behaved like a small child, I could cook myself. You don't have to cook dinner for me. Thank you for doing this sometimes.
- Forgive me, my friend, for taking offense at you, set up a kindergarten here. You don't have to go to the cafe with me on demand. Thank you for spending time with me sometimes.
- Forgive me, parents, that I demanded the impossible from you. You gave as much as you could. And you don't have any more. Thanks for giving. And the rest I will do for myself and with the help of other people.
“Forgive me, children, for trying to keep you near me. You don't have to live my life, you have yours. Thank you for helping out at times.
This alignment allows us to restore the balance we have disturbed and maintain relations. Nevertheless, I perfectly understand how much mental strength it takes to say something like that. Few people risk admitting their guilt. Resentment obscures the eyes and makes you blame further.
And most importantly, in this situation, we are left alone with our lives. Rather, we admit that we were all the time alone with her, and obsession with other people prevented us from understanding this. That is why a person who finds the strength to do this during an offense is almost equated to an enlightened one for me.
Offended - addicted … He is like a child: his mood (and sometimes the ability to have dinner) depends on whether others agree to serve his interests. Resentment is a way to steer your life indirectly, through controlling others. The scheme is, frankly, unreliable. Others, for some reason, strive all the time to think of themselves as free individuals and to take care of their lives, to serve their needs.
On the other hand, there is good news. By taking responsibility for our grievances, we stop depending on other people. Having apologized, the offended person recognizes himself as an adult and independent, which means that he gets the opportunity to steer his life directly himself, without unreliable elements in the form of other people.
Conclusion
To effectively deal with your grievances, you need to distinguish between real grievances and imaginary ones. Real grievances require compensation (the mechanism is described in detail here -Apparent grievances require an admission of guilt and dependence. This work is usually unpleasant and comes through resistance. Growing up and independence comes through the ability to deal with their imaginary grievances.
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