2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
How to support a loved one without playing lifeguard?
The first thought, when something happens to someone, is to do everything for him / for him to make it easier for him … although in fact through these actions we reduce our (!!) fear and anxiety … in a situation of death, a complex illness, difficult divorce and other difficult challenges of fate. Our impulsive actions often exacerbate the level of general stress and, not only do not help, they prevent a person from finding solutions and experiencing difficult situations in his life.
7 rules of gentle care:
1⃣ See in your loved one not only the childish part, which is bad, but also the adult part, which can overcome difficulties. Praise the adult part that manages. See the good in the present. Look for inner resources from a loved one (perhaps already there were difficult situations and he coped with them) and remind about them in difficult emotional moments
2⃣ “Reflect” the feelings of a loved one and share yours in dosage to be in contact with him: I see how you worry, yes, it hurts, I am sorry that you had to endure it, you know, I am also scared before your operation
3⃣ Be sincerely interested in what is happening in order to have a transparent and understandable plan of action, as well as adjust / strengthen it if there are weak areas: ask questions about how he sees the situation, how he feels about the situation, what he did, what he plans to do in the near future the future, always ask the question: what else can be done? how to improve and strengthen the plan?
4⃣ Gently confront if you see unconstructive thoughts of a loved one (confrontation = your feeling + the fact of his behavior): I am worried that you are postponing for the second time like a doctor, I am worried that you haven’t gone out for two weeks and closed yourself in your supportive feedback instead of saying "you should go to the doctor !!"
5⃣ Just be there and just be quiet sometimes together - this is also support
6⃣ Help with simple things in everyday life: buy groceries, prepare food, call a cleaner or do a little cleaning yourself - in moments of strong emotional distress, we disconnect from real life and simple help in everyday household matters is very timely
7⃣ Allow yourself not to help if you don't have a resource. This is the most important point, because if you don't have a resource, then you yourself become less resilient. Just allow yourself not to be "heroic", but to be just an adult next to another adult. Being an adult also means seeing your boundaries and saying no. Especially in a situation when you feel bad, but the other is even worse, so I will still find the last strength and help. This is the lifeguard's path and the beginning of the Karpman triangle. Take care of yourself.❤❤❤
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