About Lack Of Support And How I Learned To Support

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Once I was walking along the street. And I observed this situation. A boy of about 9 with his mother is walking. And at some point, the boy slipped and fell on his knee on the concrete curb. I imagined how painful it could be to the knee if you fall on a hard surface. And mentally sympathized with the boy. I couldn’t tell him about it aloud, because I was in a hurry and was anxious to get to the place faster. I felt sorry for not telling him about sympathy.

I went ahead, and they lingered behind.

But I heard my mother say to her son: “What's the matter with you? Why did you fall? Hurt? How did you fall like that? " and other phrases that were not at all about sympathy. Although in the word "It hurts" seemed to be heard sympathy. But after that, so many other phrases sounded "painful", followed by bewilderment, condemnation and accusation that he himself was to blame. And this sympathy was dissolved in condemnation and accusation.

And I walked and thought that the boy really needed simple sympathy at this moment. He is in great pain. And most likely, it's a shame that he fell. Instead of sympathy, he hears condemnation. Does it support him? And what does he feel interestingly, hearing instead of sympathy, condemnation and accusation?

And I remembered how, as a child, I told my mother about my failures and mistakes or oversights. And instead of sympathy and support, I received lectures like “It's my own fault. I had to think. And how I was even more upset after her words.

And when I got older, about 14 years old, I just told her: "Mom, I can't get what I need from you." Then I could not yet formulate that I need acceptance, sympathy and support. It seems to me that I did not even use such words. But I told my mother about my pain and cried that I could not be heard. But my words and tears did not help me get neither acceptance nor support from my mother.

I walked down the street and sadly thought about how accustomed it is for many parents to give their child, instead of sympathy, acceptance and support, condemnation and blame.

Continuation of the topic.

In one of my posts, I talked about the fact that I witnessed the situation of the fall of the boy and the reaction of the mother to his fall. And in the post, I shared my feelings and experiences that I myself experienced as a child in the place of a boy. How bad I felt when I could not get sympathy, acceptance and support from my mother.

Some in my post saw condemnation. Although I said that I am sad that such situations when the child does not receive sympathy, acceptance and support are very common. And I wish it was so widespread.

I would like to see as much as possible in the relationship between parents and children acceptance of children as they are, empathy for them and support in difficult situations.

Why do I consider this important? Because, in my opinion, this is the basis, the foundation for the formation of a person's resilience to various difficulties.

Those. when a child in a family is imbued with acceptance, compassion and support, then going out into life outside the family, he will be able to draw on this experience. And calmly overcome all difficulties, without falling into strong experiences from the fact that he did not cope with something right away. He will treat himself in the same way: with acceptance, sympathy and support. And this will allow him to manifest all this not only in relation to himself, but to other people too. Therefore, it seems very important to me. And it will also help the maturing child and already an adult to realize their abilities and talents.

I know from my own experience that it is POSSIBLE to come to the expression of sympathy, acceptance and support for the child and other close people. And I myself went this way. It was not an easy or fast way. But what I have gained now makes me very happy. And it gives me a very good steadfastness in empathizing with children, hearing them, accepting and supporting them. And not only children, but also other close people.

Now I would like to share how I came to this.

Maybe it will be useful to someone.

And someone like me will master it.

I was not always what I am now.

And as a mom, I made a lot of mistakes. I did them out of ignorance, from confusion, from powerlessness or anxiety and fear. After all, at that time I did not have an example in my life of how to be a good mother. The experience with my mom was not such an example for me. And I had no other. And there was Spock's book. I leaned on it. It was only later, as a psychologist, that I realized what a harmful book it was and how many mistakes I made by reading it. And to understand this was very difficult, painful and bitter.

Yes, after a while I could see that something I had done was wrong, wrong. I saw how my actions interfered with me and my daughter and our relationship with her.

But at the moment when I did something, I did not see other options, or I did not have the strength to choose something else.

And I asked my daughter for forgiveness. After what happened or after a while. And I learned to forgive myself.

And I am glad that our relationship with my daughter was and remains warm and loving. Apparently, there was still more good in them than bad for her.

Now this relationship is one in which I WANT and CAN give her sympathy, acceptance and support. And I am very happy about that. But, unfortunately, I was not always able to do that.

So I understand mom. And I have no condemnation for them. I am sure that every mother does for her child what she CAN or what she thinks is right at the moment when she does it.

And at the same time, there is always a choice - to continue to do what we do not like or to look for ways to solve the situation and change it.

Now there are many more opportunities for parents to find a more humane approach to raising children. Books by I. Mlodik, Y. Gippenreiter, L. Petranovskaya and others to help. And the help of a psychologist.

What did I do that helped me come to this?

My first step was to accept myself not as ideal, but as I am. And it helped me accept others for who they are. Further, the recognition of their mistakes. And forgive yourself for them.

My next step was that I learned to notice my feelings in dealing with people. I learned this through teaching the Gestalt approach, personal and group psychotherapy, and reading books.

I learned to understand what this feeling tells me. What needs are behind it. And how to express it all.

I began to try to tell others about my feelings.

If I felt fear, then I spoke about my fear. "I was scared that you fell down like that." If I felt anxious, I would say about her: “I'm worried about your knee. Hope it heals quickly. " If I noticed sympathy, I would say, “I sympathize with you. It would hurt me a lot. I understand you. You must be in pain too. " If I felt angry, then I said about her: "I am angry now that you do not hear me when I ask you to leave the room and let me do important things."

All this helped me to master the fact that I learned to be attentive to my feelings. And it was a gradual process.

I tried and watched how it affects the relationship. And I saw a lot of useful things in this. And for yourself, and for the other, and for the relationship with him. For me, vocalizing your feelings is a feedback that is important to consider each other.

Having walked this path, I learned to speak with children and adults through my feelings.

And I learned to give acceptance, empathy and support.

And now it's all very simple for me.

And I am glad that I have mastered THIS.

And at the same time, I know that there is still a lot of interesting things ahead that can be mastered.

And from this I feel enthusiasm.

For me, life is unpredictable, but interesting!

How do you manage to give your children or loved ones acceptance, empathy and support?