Lack Of Support In Marriage

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Author:, Psychologist, Supervisor, Family therapist Gestalt therapist

LACK OF SUPPORT IN MARRIAGE

From the very beginning, working with this couple foreshadowed difficulties. They came to me only on the third attempt, because they had no one to leave their children with. When they entered, I felt a slight aura of sadness. Both her husband, Mikhail, and his wife, Olga - both looked emaciated. Well-dressed, young - he is 37, she is 32 - but with haggard faces, as if they were working very hard work and did not get enough sleep for many days.

I started asking, built a genogram and moved on to clarify the problems that led them to me. A standard set of complaints: the wife lacks attention, the husband has little warmth and care. Standard mutual recriminations. Standard rare sex and no time together, just two - this is the case with many couples with small children. They are busy all the time. He has a business. There are children on it. In the evenings they are together - but exclusively on everyday matters. They are good parents, they are successful professionals, they are pleasant people. But their lives are becoming more dull and depressing because they are both emotionally and physically exhausted. I was sad and painful to listen to them, because they were deprived of access to their own energy.

I will not dwell on the whole process of therapy now - the couple came to me for a year and a half, and we experienced a lot together, and in the next post I will discuss another idea to which they pushed me. I will tell you about what surprised me from the very beginning.

When I asked who was helping them, they unanimously answered: no one. I was surprised - the couple is well-off, and it is strange that they do not have a nanny or au pair. "What are you," - they were indignant, - "a stranger in the house is unacceptable."

I wasn't even surprised. I've met such couples before. I even came up with a name for the therapy of such couples: "NKVD" - nanny, cook, driver, housekeeper. These are the people they need for a normal life. But even when they have the financial means, they often refuse help because of the strange idea that they have to cope with everything on their own. And as a result, they do not cope …

Recently, I read thoughts from Sheila Sharpe that were very in tune with mine. She also notes that even financially successful couples have unrealistic expectations about themselves, which consist in the idea: "I handle everything myself / myself." Awareness of the need for help triggers a narcissistic blow. But alas - none of us is self-sufficient. To live, a person must replenish his resources from the outside: eat, drink, breathe. To live, the family system also needs to replenish its resources, especially when there are small children.

Normally, a couple should recognize their needs - both personal and as partners in relation to each other. Not recognizing your needs leads to misunderstandings, conflicts, problems, exhaustion, and often to divorce. Agree, it's okay to have needs, ask for help, use external resources. This is a small price to pay for the stability of the marriage, for mental and physical health, for the opportunity to enjoy the way children grow up and what their parents want. But for this you need to change your thinking - and oh, how difficult it is …

I will continue the story of a couple, Olga and Mikhail, who came to me for marital therapy several years ago. At the first meeting, they reacted sharply negatively to my question about the au pair. I didn't argue - it was too early. But the genogram was evidence that both Mikhail and Olga's parents were safe and sound.

However, one REMINDER ABOUT THE PARENTS caused an almost sacred horror on their faces. “What are you, Natalia! They should not be allowed on the doorstep. They immediately start giving orders, criticizing and redesigning everything in their own way,”Olga said. Mikhail nodded his head and said: "No parents - seeing grandchildren once a month is quite enough."

This story is not the only one. Recently, I have increasingly come across a situation where a husband and wife, closing in on each other, are trying to solve all problems without involving third parties. This happened relatively recently - before the collapse of the USSR, representatives of three generations often lived in the family. The "swelling" of women after 50 was associated with the need to help with their grandchildren. But times have changed, and now having active grandmothers is more worrisome than joyful. Many try to move away from their own parents and are not at all happy about their visits.

Why is this happening? There are many answers, but one of them lies on the surface. Parents often DO NOT SUPPORT ADULT CHILDREN, but act as critics and controllers. One gets the impression that they themselves need support from their grown children, their endless recognition. They seem to be happy listening to the endless: "Mom, you were the best", "You did everything right, but I did not," "I am 40, but I am still ready to obey and obey", "I, in unlike you, bad housewife and disgusting mother "," Your cutlets are always tastier, and your opinion is more correct."

The world has changed, but parents stubbornly do not notice this, and instead constantly "fly" into competition with their children: "So I raised you - no diapers, no washing machine, no help, and raised good people", "I managed everything - and you are nothing”,“Why didn’t you feed my husband”, etc. Therefore, the arrival of grandparents is perceived as a tax and state control check, and instead of the desired help, young parents often feel anger, annoyance, shame and guilt.

Of course, this is not the case for everyone. However, parenting has become a trap for many couples. Although we all know that free cheese is only in a mousetrap, why we harbor illusions about our own parents. Many people believe that help is selfless. But think - does the bank ever give you an interest-free loan? No! Either someone pays interest for you, or the price of the product is too high.

So it is here. Parents, taking care of their grandchildren, want to receive their pay, their "interest", which are:

• The ability to violate the boundaries of the family of their children.
• The opportunity to express your opinion unceremoniously.
• The ability to establish your own order.
• The ability to criticize and devalue what children are doing.
• The ability to manipulate children by threatening not to come to grandchildren.
• The ability to demand obedience and dictate conditions.
• The opportunity later, when the forces are gone, to continue to control the children, not wanting to accept help and care in the form that adult children offer.

I can go on with the list, but it is clear that the interest for help is very high. And then the question arises: what to do? What if grandchildren and grandparents need each other?

One way out is to pay them. Money performs the function of borders, and if you pay, you can demand to do what you need. No - hire another assistant. A colleague of mine paid her mom an 8-hour day when she left. “The rest of the time you can be just a grandmother, but at this time you are at work,” she said. And Grandmother with a capital B, a former teacher - although what to conceal, there are no former teachers - did everything according to the line, because her daughter acted as the headmaster).

The second way out is to seek help from strangers who will professionally do their job. This is unusual for our culture - but it is worth it if you have the financial resources. One couple who came to me preferred a nanny to a free, but ubiquitous grandmother, because for this they received peace in their home.

The third is to use the resources of the environment: self-help groups, neighbors, colleagues, other relatives, various institutions.

Parental help is different. Sometimes as necessary and timely as rain in a drought. And sometimes destructive and painful, like a Trojan horse.

Therefore, before turning to your parents for help, weigh the pros and cons, understand what this threatens you, and make a decision.

But don't leave yourself without support! Take care of your family and your partner! Because a lack of support in a couple can lead to very painful consequences.