Relationship. Universal Needs

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Relationships are a process of mutual exchange. We are used to reading and watching films where relationships involve self-sacrifice, altruism and mutual understanding. In reality, we face several others and suspect our partners of selfishness.

There are two news about this. The good news is that there are universal psychological needs in relationships for all people. The bad news is that no one will know your needs until you learn to articulate them correctly.

Background

The modern classic of psychotherapy, Richard Erskine, has long been engaged in improving the process of psychotherapy itself. He managed to do this to the point that therapy became not just a mechanical procedure, but a healing relationship. Of course, these relations have a certain framework. Yet they remain a deep and attuned contact between two people. Only in such a contact it became possible to determine the universal needs in relationships inherent in each person.

Our entire inner world is a relationship with ourselves or with other people. When we experience unpleasant feelings in relationships with other people, this indicates that we had expectations, we needed something. It was needed at a specific moment, in a specific form, from a specific person. And it so happened that we didn't get it. This was the need for a relationship with another person.

The relationship needs, which we will talk about later, are universal not only for relationships in a married couple, or between friends. They are important for the relationship of any person with any person at any age.

Richard Erskine identified 8 basic relationship needs:

• the need for security,
• in protection from a strong and stable parent figure,
• self-recognition,
• in self-determination,
• sharing experience,
• influencing another person,
• in the initiative of another,
• in an expression of love.

Now pause for a moment and read this list again slowly and thoughtfully. Listen to yourself inside - what needs are responding to your body, your feelings and your thoughts? It is very important. Because we cannot be in a relationship with another person without being in contact with ourselves.

The need for security

Think back to your childhood. Each of us had such a story, when for a long time we decided to somehow prove ourselves. But in response they received either criticism, or ridicule, or devaluation. Remember the effort you made to just dare? Remember the feeling that came when you didn't get support? This was a failure to meet the basic need for security in the relationship.

Satisfying this need in oneself means finding such a person, next to whom it is not scary and not ashamed to be yourself. It also means allowing yourself to open up next to such a person. And to see him, and not all the previous offenders. Satisfying this need in others means becoming that person for someone.

The need for self-recognition

A striking manifestation of the fact that this need was not satisfied is the feeling and voice of the phrase "I am not worthy." Each of us, from early childhood to the present day, wants to feel that we are appreciated. I would like to feel care of myself. When we receive this, we normally feel satisfied. If for a long time of our life this need has not been satisfied, in response to care we feel either guilt or distrust. Sound familiar?

Recognizing a value is about more than just caring for the other person. This means accepting it with all the set of its shortcomings, features and differences. Perception of this “set” as a value in a relationship. It is felt as an inner desire to understand another person, his motives and feelings, his actions. And the most important thing is to recognize this as important for yourself personally. It can be difficult, but it is so important.

The satisfaction of this need is also possible through a sincere interest in the inner world of another person, his life, his interests and principles. You can find out about them during a regular conversation, if it goes beyond the scope of duty communication after work. If there is no such interest, it is always felt, right? If you remember your relationships with different people, then for sure there were ordinary phrases like "How are you?" or "What's new?" There is really little pleasant in such communication. Sooner or later, it will feel like mental or even physical pain.

Need for acceptance

And not just acceptance, but acceptance and protection from a stable, reliable and strong parental figure. In this case, we are not talking about the parent figure as a real parent. This refers to the other person's ability to take care of us and remain stable when we are unstable. This is what is commonly called reliability in matrimonial psychology. Everyone wants to be a child sometimes, taken care of by a good parent. It's okay to be that kind of person for someone.

It is on this need that primary love is built. When our Inner Child (the vulnerable emotional part of the personality) sees the other as the ideal parent. At first, each of us tries to live up to this expectation. And then he wants the same for himself. And this is completely normal.

What do we and other people need to feel protected by such strong and reliable parenting figures? First of all, of course, a guarantee that a person does not quit after some manifestations of individuality that he may not like. Next - we all want to feel protected from criticism. From your own internal and from someone else's. Each of us vitally needs a person who can protect us from ourselves in our worst manifestations. This is the need to accept the protection of a stable and reliable parent.

The need for sharing experience

This is about the importance of having a person nearby who would have the same experience as us. Someone who understands what we feel, think and can do in a particular situation. A person who is able to share our point of view, joy or sadness. Someone who, in a difficult situation, is able to say “Yes, I understand how it is. I have lived like this. Sometimes you want to hear it, and sometimes just a glance is enough to understand that this community exists. There is a division in our experience.

To satisfy this need, you can look for like-minded people, contact communities of people who have experienced a similar experience, share your experience with loved ones and ask them to tell about a similar experience from them. Remember how nice it is when you carry some kind of great emotional burden in you and decide to finally tell someone about it, confident that you alone dragged it and no one will ever be able to understand you. And then you share and find out that your interlocutor had almost the same experience and the same feelings. This is a huge relief, it can even be felt physically! Alcoholics Anonymous, a group for parents who have lost children or for people with eating disorders, operate on this principle.

You don't have to be a specialist to satisfy the need for community. It's enough just to be close to others and share similar experiences. It works both ways. And it's not difficult at all. But how important it is for each of us - to be not alone.

The need for self-determination

Self-determination is awareness of one's psychological and physical boundaries, values, principles, characteristics and differences. There is a difference from the previous need, where it is important to feel community with another person. The need for self-determination is the ability to feel like a unique person and know for sure that this is normal and will be accepted by other people.

Most of all, this need manifests itself in adolescents, when they by any means try to be different from others. Sometimes it causes rejection. But if you treat this with understanding, then you can experience a completely new experience for yourself, immersion in the world of another person.

It is normal to be different from others, whatever the difference is - appearance, habits, character, interests, values, language, skin color. The uniqueness of each is the greatest value. It is the differences that make us separate individuals who are of interest to others. It would be unbearable to live in the world of "clones", because everything is already familiar and experienced. Nothing would arouse interest.

In relationships, this need is met when we can change and emphasize our individuality. And the person who is nearby appreciates it and recognizes it as something natural and important for him personally. And it supports our changes, rejoices in our differences. Give it to close people - and you will see how your relationship grows.

The need to influence another person

It is important for each of us to see that our state, words, actions affect another person. It is important to feel that the behavior, feelings and thoughts of the other person affect us too. It is the satisfaction of this need that allows the relationship to grow. But there is also a downside - the impact can be not only positive.

If one of the participants in the relationship is destructive, this will negatively affect the other. Inevitably. Because each of us also feels the need to succumb to the influence of another person. What happens if the person next to us defies our influence in the common sense of the word? In this case, we feel the relationship as constraining. They become violent because we are unable to stop the behavior that is unacceptable to us.

In relationships with other people, the need for positive influence is satisfied through a more accurate description of what changes in the other person's behavior are important to us. In order to satisfy this need, it is necessary that the participants in the relationship are sensitive enough to themselves and allow you to influence themselves. The measure of influence is determined precisely by internal contact. The other person, with all his will, will not know exactly where to stop. It is also important not to be afraid to show others how their condition affects. It means showing emotion, sharing thoughts in response, and taking action.

Need for initiative from another person

One of the most important relationship needs is the need for initiative. Everyone wants the other to be the initiator of joint leisure, communication, changes in life. But constantly taking the initiative, being the first and provoking emotional reactions is extremely tiring. Sooner or later, a person loses interest in a relationship if he does not see the initiative from the other. This need is closely related to all others. It allows you to feel both security and value, and experience sharing and acceptance.

If we turn to our experience of relationships, in each of the cases we will see this need. When you want your husband to bring flowers. Or the boss praised and raised the salary, and not go to him with favors. For children to help with cleaning without reminders. Or a friend invited me to coffee herself. It is very natural to want to be led at some point and react to initiatives from the other side.

Meeting this need for a relationship allows the person next to us to feel calm and relaxed. Know that it doesn't take much effort from him to maintain a relationship. If a person does not receive this, interest disappears, irritation and resentment accumulate. Sooner or later they can turn into a vivid conflict. After all, the main goal of this need is to maintain contact and receive stimuli in the form of attention, communication, gifts, and shared time. It's completely normal to want all of this, because for this we go into a relationship.

Need to Express Love

Relationships aren't just about getting. This is also about sharing. The need to give a person love is natural for any close relationship. If a person is dear to us, the need to demonstrate this to him will be natural. Again, when this need is not met, it is accompanied by emotional pain. Those who have faced this have filled it out for life.

For example, when a child of about five years old runs to his mother with a drawing that she diligently drew for an hour for her, and she pushes him or does not emotionally react to the gift in any way, the child's emotional pain cannot be conveyed in words. As well as overestimate. This need is very close to the need for influence. It is very important to both show a warm attitude towards loved ones and allow them to love us. It is very natural to feel affection, healthy dependence, and gratitude for the people we love. And it's okay to want to show that love through actions, words, feelings, and attitudes.

As you can see, everything is quite simple and at the same time very complicated. There are eight needs in total, which contain everything we need. Before you try to implement this short list, listen to yourself and understand what relationship needs are not being met. This will allow you to improve your relationships with important people.