"I AM AFRAID OF CONFLICTS!" Or FIVE REASONS THAT HINDER EXPRESSING YOUR NEEDS IN RELATIONSHIP

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

"I'M AFRAID OF CONFLICTS!" or FIVE REASONS THAT HINDER EXPRESSING YOUR NEEDS IN RELATIONSHIP

"I can't stand screaming, I just want to go somewhere, evaporate." "I see no point in defending my position - it will not change anything for the better, but will only exacerbate the conflict more, the tension will increase and I will feel even worse." I often hear similar beliefs, conclusions, fears in my psychological practice. I see sadness, fatigue, disappointment in the eyes of the client and I hear them say in a muffled voice: “I probably won't be able to change anything”:(😥

Well, changes in this area are not quick. But I know for sure that gradual, purposeful psychological work leads to results. Thanks to the achievements of my clients, I am convinced of this every time. The main thing is to decide and begin to follow the path of personal transformations. The first step is realizing your problem.; honestly admit to myself that it's hard for me and it's time for a change.

So, five reasons that prevent you from expressing your needs in a relationship:

🔹 1. Fear of conflicts or "I can't stand screaming, I just want to go somewhere." Of course, a mentally healthy person does not seek conflict and prefers a balanced, respectful relationship. But at the same time, if necessary, he is ready to defend himself in the current conflict situation. When the fear of conflict is very high, then it is difficult for us to withstand even the slightest tension that can arise in a relationship. Why is this happening? ❓

Most often, the answers are found in our childhood. Perhaps you were scared when adults were cursing and you could not do anything, or you were very scared when yelled at. And this fear is powerfully imprinted in your childhood consciousness. You have grown up, but this frightened child with eyes full of tears still lives inside you.

🔹 2. Fear of loneliness or "If I am uncomfortable, they may leave me."

I regularly hear about this fear, it is expressed in different words, for example: “You can live like that, because I don’t always feel bad, there are good moments, and if I start to defend myself, then there may not be such a relationship.” Where does this fear come from? And again we return to childhood. Perhaps when you were “not comfortable” you were ignored, left alone. Therefore, now, from the slightest hint of the possibility of re-experiencing this hard-unbearable feeling of loneliness, you tremble and fear.

🔹 3. Awkwardness when expressing their needs, or "Anyway, they won't hear me or understand me."

In my psychological practice, I see how difficult it is at first for clients with this complexity to give themselves the right to voice the most basic needs, for example: I am more comfortable with a consultation in the afternoon or I would like / would like to devote more time to this issue, etc. Why is it difficult to voice your needs or desires? This question can be answered with questions. And how often in childhood you were asked what you want and took these wishes into account? How often have you been given the right to experience certain states of yours, to express your needs?

🔹 4. Fear and inability to defend their desires and needs, or “If I start defending my point of view, there will be even more conflicts and the general atmosphere, respectively, and my condition, will become even worse”.

Now you have grown up and understand that it is not always necessary to agree on everything, because you have your own point of view and you would like to be taken into account. You start trying to voice it to your partner (boyfriend / girlfriend, husband / wife), but often it only gets worse. Why? As a rule, from childhood, such children are most often in a similar model of relationships: criticizing parent ↔️ adaptive child. Accordingly, when a child grows up, he unconsciously reproduces this pattern of behavior. Finds a partner (criticizing parent) next to whom he often behaves like an adaptive child. What happens in this relationship model? The partner (adaptive child) adapts himself to the partner (criticizing parent) and tries to meet his requirements in order to gain acceptance and recognition. Thus, when your actions are pleasing to the "criticizing parent" - he gives acceptance, when your needs and desires are at odds, then they yell at you, get angry, reject you.

🔹 5. Unawareness of their needs or “I don’t feel myself”.

I repeatedly hear from clients who are regularly in the ego-state of an adaptive child that they do not hear themselves, do not understand what they want, do not feel their body. This state is especially acute when a partner imposes his will, his desires. At such times, the connection between heart and mind is often blocked. The person seems to freeze, there is emptiness inside, there is only one desire so that they stop pressing on you and therefore it is better to agree with the idea, the proposal of the partner. Why is this happening? "Adaptive children" are used to fulfilling and living the desires of others, blocking their inner voice. Despite the fact that in their hearts they feel that this desire is not mine and I wanted / would like to do something differently, they are not used to giving their voice the right to manifest in the outside world. After all, it is safer to block it and do as adults want, then you will be given recognition and acceptance.

I am regularly asked questions: what should I do if I am afraid of conflicts, do not feel myself, have difficulty expressing my needs and my partner suppresses me and does not hear? How can this be changed? Is it even possible?

Yes, it is possible! Of course, it will take time and not one or two months. The first small results may start to appear after three to four months. The transformation process is long and takes time. What do you need to do for this? ❓

The best way is to find the right psychologist for yourself and start working together. Is it possible to do it alone? In theory, nothing is impossible. But how long it will take and how difficult this path will be - I don't know.

Be attentive to yourself, to your experiences, feelings, sensations.

Allow yourself to be entitled to your true needs and desires:) 🌅

Psychologist Linda Papitchenko