Why You Shouldn't Be Afraid Of Conflicts

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

No matter how paradoxical it may sound, conflicts often arise between loved ones and loving people, while married couples living together without much love can have an even and conflict-free relationship.

If you observe happy families, you may notice that they, as it were, between things, constantly resolve a lot of conflict situations and controversial issues - without any offense or irritation. While in "unhappy families" any, even minor, disagreements can develop into a scandal or quarrel.

A scandal is the surest way to leave a problem unresolved

The difference between a quarrel or scandal from a conflict is

that conflict is a way of resolving differences and agreeing positions,

while a quarrel is an attempt to avoid solving problems by translating the conversation into a mode of mutual grievances and accusations.

We can say that a scandal is the most reliable way of fixing a problem in an unsolvable state. In some cases it happens spontaneously and unintentionally from both sides: just, as they say, "emotions overwhelmed." But often one of the conflicting parties deliberately drowns reasonable proposals or requests of its partner in a whirlpool of violent and negative emotions.

The most striking and dramatic manifestation of a quarrel is hysteria. Very often, tantrums flare up from powerlessness: when a person intuitively understands that he does not have strong or effective arguments to defend his position. During the hysteria, the essence of the stated problem is no longer discussed, the "agenda" is shifted to clarify the relationship: you do not respect me, you do not value me, you take me for an idiot or an idiot, you do not love me, how could you or could have said that about me and etc.

Some people know how to play tantrums with special drama and artistry, but still - they are rarely beautiful. People begin to consciously and intuitively bypass "sore spots". As a result, a large number of topics and problems accumulate in their relationship, which it is better not to raise: otherwise, a scandal could flare up - meaningless and merciless. Gradually, there are more and more such forbidden zones, and there is practically no room for normal communication - relations between people begin to choke and fade.

In those cases when one of the parties uses the "technology of scandals" as a fully conscious tool to defend their interests, an obvious imbalance in relations is formed. Those who are afraid of scandals are gradually driven into a narrow framework in which they feel unhappy and depressed, but as a result, the general background of the relationship also becomes more depressive and joyless.

Most often, the person who is afraid of scandals and does not possess the skill of translating them into a constructive conflict, in the end, simply breaks off the relationship and leaves. And in those cases when he begins to reciprocate with his partner, and masters his skills of sublimating an argument into a scandal, from a scandal into a hysteria, their relationship turns into a continuous series of such scandals and reconciliations.

Conflict as a means of developing relationship

Very often there are no winners in conflicts, and people enter them not for the sake of victory, but in order to clarify the situation and better understand their partner.

In the course of the conflict, due to the fact that personally significant issues for people are touched, their mental and intellectual forces are mobilized. Thanks to this heightened emotional intensity, it is sometimes possible to find a solution to those problems that would normally be very difficult to solve.

Due to the fact that we are afraid of conflicts, many of our possibilities and abilities are locked up in our soul, not to mention the mental energy that we constantly spend on keeping inside ourselves that suppressed aggression that accumulates in our psyche due to unsolvable problems and disagreements.

Any relationship requires dynamics and development, if this does not happen, then the relationship withers and emasculates. At some point, enjoying the unity of souls and common interests gets boring, the first joy from meeting with a loved one passes, and we begin to notice that in addition to common features, we also have many disagreements. At some point, these disagreements begin to push into the background what we love in each other.

Our dissimilarity to each other and our disagreements can be both the reasons for the breakdown of relations, and the stimulus for mutual development. A conflict is far from always resolved by the victory of one of the parties and is not even always eliminated as a result of a compromise, when both parties to the conflict are forced to make mutual concessions. Very often, in the course of conflicts, some absolutely new solution to existing problems is found, when disagreements seem to remain on a different plane, and there is an opportunity to move in a different direction.

More often than not, people are afraid of conflicts because they confuse them with scandals. Both conflicts and scandals outwardly can have common features: both are accompanied by a burst of adrenaline and emotional outbursts. And in the course of conflicts and scandals, people can speak in a raised voice. But that's where the similarities end. The conflict is aimed at solving the problem; in the course of scandals, the dispute is not about how to solve the problem, but about who is to blame for it.

Usually, conflicts are avoided by those who have had a sad experience of life in an atmosphere of scandals and hysterics. When people understand that conflict and scandal are two different things, they cease to be afraid of conflicts and they have the opportunity to master the techniques of translating meaningless quarrels and disputes into a form of controlled conflict.