After A Divorce: Why You Shouldn't Rush Into A New Relationship

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Each person experiences a divorce in his own way: for some it is a tragedy, when the ground suddenly leaves from under their feet, for others - a long-awaited release from destructive and suffocating relationships, for others - meeting face to face with all everyday difficulties, the need to independently resolve material issues, for the fourth - a simple legal formality, since there has been no relationship for a long time. One thing is universal: after a divorce, any person experiences loss and feels vulnerable.

In a long, more than 3-4 years, relationship, spouses get used to each other, build a common life, distribute family roles, solve issues of childbirth and upbringing, professional development, and make joint plans. All this subordinates the lifestyle of a married woman or a married man to a certain general family rhythm. Even in a relationship full of different types of violence, there is a rhythm that also creates a certain conditional feeling of stability, especially during the "honeymoon" when everything is fine. That is why a person who has just experienced a separation or divorce has a feeling of emptiness, which was previously filled with the experience “we are family”. No, I'm not talking about a neurotic merger with a partner and an acute experience of rejection after a breakup, but about the loss of this holistic feeling. The inertia of the habit of "being in a relationship" is so great that it can lead to the search for another partner, although this decision may be very premature.

Why do I, as a psychologist, think that after a breakup / divorce it is worth waiting for a new relationship?

Excessive haste

creates fertile ground for:

• let in your life unnecessary and irresponsible partners who are only interested in sexual intimacy (the author does not evaluate this choice, but warns that it can become a source of new strong psycho-emotional pain); "Wedge by wedge" here cannot be knocked out.

• to associate oneself with someone with whom in his right mind he would never want to build a relationship, on the principle of "take what is, otherwise I will be alone, endure and fall in love." Can't stand it. Will not fall in love.

• get into a violent relationship (especially if the previous ones were the same), since the suffering person is more susceptible to the tricks of abusers and manipulators and even believes that he deserves just such an attitude.

• having met “your” person, a potential partner, you will not be able to build a relationship with him for fear of being injured again.

What to do?

Divorce is a loss, and a loss must be grieved, mourned, lived through. And this is not a one-time act, but a process extended in time, accompanied by a variety of feelings: anger, resentment, guilt, shame. Those who were left will have a special bouquet of experiences: they have doubts about their appearance, their abilities, capabilities, self-worth, in the end. "If my partner dumped me, what is wrong with me?" The search begins for the reasons for their "guilt", which led to a possible break, and, sometimes, there is even confirmation of this. To what extent this has to do with reality is another question. Doubts arise about your ability to have a new relationship with someone. If there are children, it crushes and oppresses the stereotype about "divorce with a trailer": "that's it, my personal life is over", "no one needs me."

How can you help yourself here?

Imagine in your mind that you are on a journey, where the beginning of the path is your current state, and at the end is the preferred image of yourself and the relationship that you would like to find. Here you can start from the opposite: I do not want the way I do now, if it is difficult to imagine how I would like to later.

New relationships are always energy-intensive. The period of falling in love, novelty, vivid emotional experiences requires significant resources for mutual exchange. Therefore, first you should attend to the replenishment of these very resources, and this will help: the experience of taking care of yourself, hobbies, interests, communication with pleasant people.

You should not immediately set yourself the ultimate goal - to find a new good relationship, first …

Set intermediate goals

• Cry, get angry, live emotionally something that requires living, while taking care of yourself: eat well, get enough sleep, monitor your well-being, take the necessary medications if necessary. It is helpful to include psychotherapy at this stage.

• Find yourself an exciting new activity or resume a hobby you once enjoyed. It is useful to try yourself in those areas of creativity or your profession that you have not thought about before.

• Establish life, learn to manage the economy and finances so as not to feel helpless, to be able to independently cope with the material side of life.

• "Go out into the light": attend concerts, exhibitions, dance parties, friendly parties and other public events, communicate there with the opposite sex (not as potential partners, but as just nice people!).

• Create a "resume" for a dating site … All in all, dating sites are a very tricky place for serious relationships. On the one hand, almost everyone can remember the stories of friends or acquaintances who have successfully arranged their personal life via the Internet, on the other hand, there are a lot of cynical people on the Internet who are inclined to an easy relationship and may even not be free (married or married). Therefore, if you register on these sites, then after a while, at the stage when a lot of internal work has been done - after all, you will have to review many inappropriate questionnaires and have the strength to rebuff frivolous men / women. However, a resume is a great way to articulate and clarify your expectations for a new relationship, as well as your own capabilities and abilities. Ask yourself: would you need a partner like you? If yes, then great, if not, then think about what you can do to answer this question positively (within reason, of course!).

This does not mean that your resume needs to be laid out for everyone to see, you can write it just for yourself, it will help you clearly understand what you want and what you will not let in your life under any circumstances.

At this stage, there is a readiness for a new relationship. The ex-spouse no longer evokes vivid emotions, you calmly react to the news that he has a new life partner, and have already learned to cooperate and negotiate about children. Now is the time, you are ready. Now you have experience, you know what you want, and your heart is open to new love. You deserve a happy relationship, go for it!

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