2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
Have you heard this expression: "All the problems from childhood"? I think yes. But do you agree with this expression? This is another question. I take this point of view:
All problems are from the past (without a nod in the direction of specifically childhood)
Let me explain. What is the problem? A situation that I don't know how to resolve. From this point of view, a lot of what happens to any person in childhood is problems. Indeed, for a purely mechanical reason (short life experience), a child has few opportunities to solve certain life situations. So they become problems.
Let's say you have neurosis … Neurosis is based on hard perception, broken boundaries, negative thinking, and emotional restraint. And all of the above is laid down in childhood.
Let's say you have difficulties in relationships … At the core of relationship difficulties is your pre-established relationship model with your partner. And it is laid down in childhood, in the process of observing your parents and other significant adults.
Let's say you have depression … The basis of psychogenic depression is a reaction to a complex life event. And this reaction is conditioned and supported by your beliefs about yourself, your environment and the future. And these beliefs are laid in childhood.
Let's say you have addiction … For example, gambling addiction, smoking or alcoholism. To get such a disorder, it was important for you to learn to habitually look for psychological (or physiological) doping every time you are faced with boredom, stress, low mood, fatigue. And similar patterns of behavior are also laid down in childhood.
Some patterns of perception, thinking, behavior, emotional response are formed much later than childhood. But in the past, relative to the current moment in your life. As a result of stress, negative life experiences, trauma, loss of faith in oneself and achieving results. I.e:
All problems are from the past.
But! This axiom in no way means that it is important for you to take a baaal-such-a-shovel and dig through childhood with the tenacity of Sisyphus. Let me explain. Yes, you can find the source of your behavior patterns. Yes, you can see real injuries. Yes, you can become aware of the moment when you began to use certain patterns of behavior. Yes, you can find the reason for your current difficulties. Just what is all this for? What is all this for if change can only happen when you change your patterns of behavior, your beliefs, your emotional reactions in the present tense?
Maybe you should immediately start taking care of yourself in the present tense?
Here, however, the question may arise - how to understand where I should move, what should I change, what should I correct if I am not satisfied with the quality of my psychological life? IMHO, in this case, you have four clues.
First. Your needs … Realize the full range of your needs, assess the degree of their fulfillment at the moment. And you will have a vector of correcting your life.
Second. Your goals … Knowing your needs does not obviate the need to formulate and implement a solution that will allow you to achieve what you want. Goals are specific tasks, clothed in desired life situations. For example, the need for communication is one thing. And dating on the street is different. The need for security is one thing. And the daily exchange of events with a significant person is completely different. Set specific goals.
Third. Your emotions … Where you start thinking about your needs and your goals, the realm of emotions begins. Which show and suggest what is going wrong inside you. Fears point to real or perceived dangers, anger - to real or perceived obstacles, guilt - to real or perceived mistakes. It is your emotions that will quickly and reliably indicate to you in the present what it will be important for you to change.
Fourth. Your skills … But this is about the conscious ability to influence yourself, others and life events. This is where the answer to the question “what and how should I do” lies in order to achieve positive change. Essentially, life change is the answer to the equation:
My needs + my goals ± my emotions (depending on situations) + required skill = result.
This equation works with or without any disorder (and in healthy people). It works regardless of your life baggage. And it always works. Yes, many factors affect the final result, and no one guarantees you that you will have time to get everything you want in this life. But you have a chance for it.
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