2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
You can often hear a generalized public opinion that narcissists (not flowers, but people with pronounced narcissistic traits or narcissistic personality disorder) are narcissistic, self-righteous selfish people who do not care about the feelings of other people. This is true. Partly. More precisely on the one hand. Facade.
In fact, this is not at all the case. More precisely, not quite so.
If a person realistically understands and accepts his strengths and weaknesses and positively recognizes himself - this is healthy narcissism. This self-attitude is the basis of a vital sense of stability and okay, which persists even with minor mistakes or failures and does not depend excessively on what other people think. This is a healthy attitude towards yourself and a view of the world.
In pathological narcissism, what appears to be high self-esteem is actually a superficial illusion that is easily damaged if other people do not validate the narcissistic person's sense of self-worth. They feel incredible shame and become depressed with feelings of self-loathing when it becomes publicly clear that “the king is naked.” To avoid this, the narcissistic person immediately tries to blame the other person and angrily attacks his sense of self-worth.
The character of a person is formed under the influence of society, depending on the environment, conditions and his relationships in early childhood. The quality, literacy, adequacy of these relationships and hones the traits, personal characteristics of each of us. Under favorable conditions and relationships, one type of personality is formed, with unfavorable ones (it is important which ones) - another.
Narcissists, like other typologies of personality, have positive character traits that help to be in society and those that developed during the crisis moments of childhood, and now create a negative impact on intrapersonal experiences and interactions with others and the world. There are strengths and weaknesses, what is visible to the naked eye, and what is stored inside, away from everyone.
The story of this article will be about the vulnerability of narcissistic personalities.
How is the narcissistic type formed? In the regime and rules of perfectionism, the lack of unconditional and specific catchy strokes, high expectations and requirements that a child is scared not to fulfill (so as not to lose the love of adults) and impossible to fulfill, because he is a child.
It can be assumed that they have never felt unconditional acceptance, and do not know how it is when they are simply rejoiced, loved not for something, but just like that.
For their parents, they were born for a specific mission - to save from loneliness, to continue the dynasty, to carry out what the parents themselves could not accomplish … And the attitude towards them is objective.
Subsequently, this attitude towards oneself will be consolidated and transferred, it will also be broadcast to other people. Why? Because we treat others the way they treated us. We interact in the way that we learned in childhood.
Narcissists have learned to breathe the air of convention and do not believe in unconditionality, do not feel, and adapted without it.
Since they did not feel unconditional acceptance of themselves, they do not know how to love themselves truly and in a healthy way. But they know, learned, how to imitate love for yourself and others.
Having only the experience of an object relation to themselves, they also relate to other people as to objects. Each person in their life should have their own niche, their own task, their own benefits and their own "shelf", so that suddenly something could be put there. "Love" daffodils temporarily and conditionally. Even if someone tries to accept and love them unconditionally, they will most likely run into depreciation, misunderstanding and criticism. Those who admire them, praise, assent, they do not respect, but use.
They "respect", grovel, try to please only those who are of higher rank or stronger. They are at war, they hate those who have different views, opinions and positions with them.
It's very simple: if you “look in my mouth” and think as I do, or at least agree, I feel good; but if you object, have your own opinion and talk about your needs (which I don’t want to hear about) - I get irritated, indignant, show aggression.
For all the external self-sufficiency, confidence and impeccability, they are very vulnerable and very dependent on the opinions and assessments of others. It is these opinions and assessments that make their day and their life. They have a complex sense of their identity, privilege. Or the desire to be that way.
Aggression, external self-confidence and steadfastness are the protective mechanism of narcissists, so that, firstly, no one suspects that there is a soft and vulnerable creature in the shell, and secondly, so that no one harbors hope and does not expect that he will ever want / can be close.
And yet there is a lever, a control panel, the melody of a pipe to which it is the daffodils who "dance".
This is flattery and all its types, forms and derivatives. Vanity is the Achilles' heel of narcissists, their disease, weak point. The film "The Devil's Advocate" is an excellent illustration on the topic.
The irreplaceable deficit and the need for unconditionality and acceptance are replaced by the need for necessarily positive exaggerated strokes and the realization of sick ambition. The narcissist cannot feel wholeness, accept himself completely and completely, along with strengths and manifestations of weakness. Inside (this is a big secret for everyone), narcissists sharply, harshly criticize themselves, just like outwardly criticize others. They have not formed the part that sees and accepts their strong and positive aspects. This is why they so desperately need the praise, flattery, admiration, worship of others. They look at other people's actions towards them like in a mirror. "If he admires me - I'm good, everything is fine." If not, it's a disaster, a danger.
A good example from the fairy tale about Snow White, when an evil stepmother looks in a magic mirror, and the mood and behavior of the stepmother depends on what the mirror says. If the mirror says things that are sweet for her ears, the stepmother is calm. But if she stops praising or praising someone else, then the stepmother is indignant and starts reprisals against competitors.
The tragedy of the situation is that not a single person (neither close nor distant) can, and is not obliged to, all his life only agree and admire. Moreover, you will not get back praise and admiration from narcissists. This is possible only during the candy-bouquet period, when the narcissist idealizes the object of his choice (so that later he will be mercilessly overthrown from the pedestal, because “there must be one leader in the family”).
But, returning to vanity, the need to prove their worth is so important that they are ready to “sell their souls to the devil”, perform dangerous tasks, do dirty work, just to earn “approval” from those who are of higher rank. Some narcissists enjoy subservience to superiors. Thus, they seem to "touch the beautiful" and fill the missing okey part of themselves with the shadow of an influential person. And no real achievements of a mere mortal (subordinate, close person, colleague, relative, partner) will evoke admiration or respect.
Unfortunately, this craving for complements is often used for their own purposes by asocials and manipulators in order to use it for their own purposes. And of course, after using them, they also stop singing praises, making friends, cooperating, noticing, even saying hello sometimes. What strikes a blow at the most sore spot of the narcissists: “How so? Is there really someone more beautiful (as in the fairy tale about Snow White), smarter, better, more necessary than me? And instead of making adequate conclusions and supporting themselves, they are taken with renewed vigor for self-destruction from within and self-affirmation at the expense of others. While other people are expected and extorted new and new portions of admiration, laudatory ode and flattery.
Their inability to accept themselves unconditionally, with strong and weak manifestations, leads to real dependence. Complement, flattery, admiration - like a dose for a drug addict, for which the narcissist is sometimes ready for strange and sometimes unsafe acts.
Narcissists - incapable of intimacy, play psychological games, the denouement in which is narcissistic shame or narcissistic anger that they still feel insignificant inside and that others do not want to refute it for life.
What can help?
- Psychotherapy. Since this process involves honest and open communication, trust and responsibility for oneself, this is truly a difficult decision for narcissists. And often this choice is made already in the most difficult situations of despair. And yet psychotherapy can explain on a rational level what is happening, it can help to understand cause-and-effect relationships, to see oneself in a realistic positive light, and not in a facade.
- Empathy. Despite the fact that there are discussions between respected psychoanalysts about. Some people think that neither therapy nor empathy will help narcissists, because they already feel good. And this is part of the truth. There are such psychopathic narcissists who will never come to therapy, they have everything in their life, but those who are forced to somehow come into contact with them are really moaning. And there are narcissists who sincerely suffer from their "imperfection" and try in every possible way to disguise it. And if they are warmed up and treated with empathy, then they will be warmed up and healed as a result, the second group of specialists believes.
- As incredibly difficult as it is, it is important to believe and accept that all people are OK. Moreover, all people are different. And that the ideal does not exist. Therefore, it is impossible to insult and humiliate others, and therefore there is no need to idealize and subservience to others.
- Analyze, understand and make appropriate decisions about which recurring situations are problematic and how to avoid them. Find new compromise solutions and behaviors.
- And perhaps the most important thing is to accept and reunite in yourself all parts of your I. It is important to see that along with the ability for mathematics, for example, the skill of caring and empathizing with others is not developed. But this does not in any way negate the value of the ability for mathematics, and this does not in any way give an indulgence to self-assertion for the sake of others. It is important to value and use your abilities, talents and develop those qualities that, due to circumstances, were not developed earlier, but are very important for quality relationships and a quality life.
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