2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43
First of all, remind ourselves that we are absolutely not obliged to love them, unless, except for difficult cases, a narcissistic parent and a narcissistic child. But now is not about that
For the rest, If your spouse, lover, friend, or colleague is a narcissist, antidote # 1 is to accept that you don't have to love or be in a relationship with him. You can if you want. If there is more pleasure in a relationship than a loss from it. Just take it for granted. Paradoxically, it helps. Some distance and freedom makes it possible to preserve yourself and your boundaries in a relationship with a narcissist. And as a result, the relationship lasts longer and better. This is rule number 1 - accept that you don't have to love them.
Rule # 2. Internal stability. When my friend tells me that my relationship is not really necessary to me and will end quickly. That my project is shit. That my country is shit. Etc. I can only oppose this with internal stability and a clear understanding of why I need these relations, whether I really love the country and my projects. In other cases, you will begin to be thrown into fear, aggression, horror, or (worst of all) an unconditional belief that your narcissistic friend is right.
Remember, it’s important for the narcissist to have a “valid opinion” of his own about everything. And be sure to express it to you, because the boundaries of "I-other" with a narcissist are usually very blurred.
Resilience helps you preserve yourself, your identity, values, and important parts of your life. Therefore, when faced with a devaluing text from the side of narcissists, ask yourself: "Do I think what it devalues is really important and valuable to myself." Or is a narcissist friend somewhere right and I doubt how good the project, partner, country, myself, etc. are. If you are confident in yourself, then it is better to nod and agree. A narcissist usually cannot be persuaded or stopped. If you hesitate, march into personal therapy to check your doubts and hesitations.
Rule # 3. What if it hurts? The narcissist can hurt and not notice it. Can "burn with a hot iron" so that the other will be torn into pieces - and not notice. Or noticing but not knowing how to deal with it. There are only two options here. Clearly and clearly say "stop, it hurts." If he hears and really stops, you're in luck. If not, distance yourself urgently. Run away, send, tell yourself "I don't have to endure this." Anything so that he does not get you at least temporarily.
Narcissists are truly borderless and can honestly think they are beating you in love and for your own good. That you have to say thank you to them, and do not care that it hurts like hell right now. And they also cannot bear shame, so even if somewhere they feel that you are right, they will resist this realization inside themselves to the last.
So in this case, there is only one option - at any cost to interrupt the contact at least for a while.
Rule # 4. You don't have to be interested in everything the narcissist says. Narcissists sometimes turn on the "radio" mode, and he begins to broadcast what is interesting to him personally, even without looking at the interlocutor, without asking him or even trying to understand whether the other is interested or not. The normal reaction on the part of the listener to such a monologue is boredom and irritation. Abnormal - simulation of interest. The minimum task in this case is to try to bring the narcissist back into contact before there is a desire to send or kill him. To ask something, sometimes so directly, "do you notice me at this moment." To say that "I'm not very interested in this", "I'm tired", etc. Try the main thing - not to endure with the last bit of strength.
Rule # 5. Accept the narcissist in yourself. Surprisingly, but such a narcissist is in everyone. We all sometimes think that “there are two opinions - mine and the wrong one,” we stop noticing the other person, climb onto the throne and look down on the others. Or we really want to, but we cannot afford it. And that's okay. The "narcissistic part" is an excellent engine of internal progress, an excuse to establish distance with other people and leave your interests behind. This part as a whole is responsible for our social self-realization, and the best thing we can do with it is to get to know and befriend our inner narcissist.
And the main thing. Why is this all. Narcissists can actually be very interesting. Due to the natural "sewing in the ass", they usually know and are able to do more than many other people. And yet they still know how to love. Yes, sometimes in their own way, through the prism of their own greatness, but they can. And it is very possible to build relationships with them. Difficult, but possible. Yes, the game is not always worth the candle, it is not always easy and even not always bearable. But I personally love daffodils. I'm interested in them.
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