Where Does Intimacy Go From A Relationship?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

Where does intimacy go from a relationship?

We grow and thrive when our family is intimate. Sometimes relationships come to a standstill, fade … and people continue to live together.

Is it possible to measure intimacy through space or by the duration of the relationship?

Probably not. Spouses who have lived together for more than 20 years in the same apartment may be less close to each other than friends living in different countries and maintaining contact at a distance.

Relationships between spouses can be built around the joint solution of household issues, financial and parenting, but not in any way touch the area of feelings, experiences of everyone.

Even a well-functioning relationship can leave intimacy. Where everyone is comfortable, satisfying and the children are put in order. Sincere conversations are being replaced by watching programs, you want to replace joint weekends more and more often with communication separately in different companies. And sex life is gradually losing its sharpness. And then it completely disappears.

A close relationship between spouses is usually associated with a satisfying sex life for both and a variety of emotions that partners derive from their relationships with each other and with other people. Support and the opportunity to be heard in such a family is available. Spouses in such a relationship can discuss most topics, even very difficult ones.

If intimacy is so attractive, then why does it disappear from many relationships over time and spouses begin to move away from each other in their inner lives or part?

Here are some reasons why intimacy leaves a relationship.

Childhood injuries and difficulties.

One can recall Schopenhauer's parable about porcupines, which, wanting to warm themselves on a cold day, began to move closer to each other. But pricks from long needles made them move a safe distance from each other.

So our need to receive warmth, tenderness, a variety of feelings directs us to rapprochement. And traumas, painful experiences are shared inside, and can also be disconnected from a partner.

Closeness can revive many associations and experiences, even in childhood. Memories of how parents, loved ones treated us, with each other. Were we getting enough, or were we mostly satisfied with our physical needs? Was the acceptance, approval, autonomy necessary for growth enough? Or did you often have to deal with misunderstanding, assessment, coercion?

Painful associations make us react to our partner as cold, aloof, punishing …

In order for us to safely approach another without fear of painful injections, we need to heal wounds, learn to open up, endure our vulnerability, and build flexible boundaries.

This is the path of acquaintance with oneself for a long time. Psychotherapy is here to help.

Opposing yourself and your partner.

The competitive paradigm is deeply ingrained in our minds. In a world where we act often, the gain of one person means the loss of the other. The same way can unknowingly be included in a relationship.

Sometimes in a couple you can notice a manifestation of duality: if I am in the resource, then the partner becomes less resourceful / interesting / strong … Or vice versa, and then I become vulnerable and weak.

One client said that she was tormented by the height of her young man (average for a man). This prevented her from enjoying the joy of going out with him somewhere, communicating with friends, feeling a strong shoulder next to her. But at the same time, it contributed to an inner feeling, but with me everything is ok: I am beautiful, interesting. A satisfactory sense of self tended to disappear as soon as a young person's growth ceased to excite, and his virtues, such as mental qualities, came to the fore. Obviously, the dog is not buried in physiological parameters. This is just one of the ways to be in duality: either everything is ok with me, or with someone else.

To break the vicious circle of the game "who is cooler / better / more correct …", different shades of color come to the rescue. The bottom line is that we gradually learn to be good enough / bad enough to withstand and accept a loved one who also does not need to become perfect.

Difficulty regulating distance.

If we get too close, the partner may not be ready for it. Then he can take some action to increase the distance. Or even move away from contact temporarily. Often, those who want rapprochement take it very personally, may be offended by "avoidance" behavior or harsh intonation. Some couples cannot find the desired distance for years.

Too close can mean danger for someone to be used, consumed, not having enough space. Long distance can be perceived as rejection and an attempt to end the relationship. It is especially difficult in those couples where one wants to get closer and the other wants to move away. And this can happen at the same moment.

For example, a husband works as a leader and comes home very tired, he wants silence. And the wife, sitting at home with the children, is waiting impatiently for the husband to come in the evening to discuss pressing and important issues. This is where a dance can begin, in which the task of one is to run away and hide, and the other is to catch up in order to be heard and not feel the pain of rejection.

It would be a good solution if the one who needs to get closer could say:

“Now I want to come closer and talk to you about what worries me. Can you listen to me now? Do you have enough resources for this?

You don't have to do anything about it. If you can stay in touch with me, that will be enough. You don't need to save me or blame me. Just stay close when I want to share with you painful things."

And those who need to retire can say: “I now need silence, I do not have enough resources. It is very important for me to stay in contact with you, as soon as I have enough strength for this, I would like to discuss everything with you"

We've looked at some of the barriers to intimacy with another. Tracking the complexities of a relationship and resolving it creatively will keep the relationship on a steady course of convergence. At the same time, each of the partners can become a stronger and more mature personality.