Why Does Fear Of Intimacy Arise?

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

In a huge variety of male characters, mental aspirations and types of treatment with a woman, women themselves with enviable consistency choose men for their partners, in fact they are absolutely not ready for family relations, and indeed for partnerships in general

Psychologists call this phenomenon intimophobia, not at all implying by it the fear of physical intimacy and sexual contact, as psychiatrists originally implied. It is a fear of really close emotional relationships.

I am sure you met in your environment a charismatic man with money and position in society, who subtly feels what a woman needs, who knows how to charm, speak her language with her, look after her, be irresistible in bed and be successful in business, but completely elusive and absolutely unsuitable for marriage. To the great disappointment of women who have fallen in love with such a man, promiscuity is for him the preferred form of sexual interaction, which in fact symbolizes not only freedom of choice and freedom from all kinds of obligations, but also the ability to feel psychologically autonomous, and therefore not to feel painful feelings.

Where does this initial fear of mental pain come from?

People who do not spend time on spiritual intimacy quite often manage to reveal their talent, become great, or simply successful in their business. Perhaps that is why there is a huge number of intimophobes - among artists, artists and politicians. I will say a platitude: behind every great man there is his mother. For an intimophobic man - to the same, if not more, measure. Moreover, impulsive, demanding and inconsistent.

The scenarios may vary, but the result can be assumed even in kindergarten. As a rule, from infancy, such a boy is surrounded by all-consuming maternal love, but this love is more like a strangulation in an embrace and a contrast shower. A mother, for no reason visible to the child, can both fall in love and reject. More often, this alignment occurs in families where the mother brings up her son alone, or where the role of the father is absolutely insignificant for various reasons: the father works a lot, is rarely at home, or is deprived of the right of an advisory vote due to the authoritarianism of his wife. But this does not change the essence.

The mother repeats to her son: you are the only man in the house, hope, support, my protector, must learn, be, become … Moreover, often the mother forms in the boy the feeling that if he does not cope, she will leave him, refuse to be with him, which means that it increases conditional dependence and fear of losing attachment. The child understands: if I can't cope, there will be no mom, and mom needs to be taken care of. Therefore, he tries with all his might to conform. And it's good if mom was satisfied with the result at the first stage.

But more often this does not happen, and everything goes to the extreme - the mother is never satisfied with the results of her son, she stimulates and stimulates the boy to be better and better, in her perfectionism reaching an extreme point. A serious protest can become such a point when a boy, and sometimes already a man, finds strength in himself and separates, leaves such a mother. He only leaves where - into the unknown, into any relationship, into the army, into a war, just to relax, because the pressure of his mother seems to him worse than any male battles. And this is, in fact, the best thing that can happen to him. If the boy does not have enough mental strength, then he dutifully "corresponds" to his mother's requests, tries with all his might, suffers, suffers, but goes to the goal.

The goal seems to have been achieved, but the uterine fear of the need to meet the unrealistically high demands of a woman remains. And it doesn't matter who this woman will be. It becomes necessary for a man to avoid any relationship where he falls into dependence, especially into an emotional one. This experience is deeply painful. And there is no experience of overcoming this pain. There is an unconscious need to be the best, to always go towards the goal, but there is no understanding why he needs this goal. Like in fairy tales: there is no plot after the wedding.

If the boy has not learned any other love than his son's love for his mother, which means that he has no experience of relationships with a woman "not a mother" and at the moment when they appear, he experiences an unconscious feeling that incest is taking place. As a result, sexual relations are the first to deteriorate, and a man is looking for a new woman, and younger, younger! Arising in the unconscious, such fears lead to a conscious desire to stay away from everyone who can be considered a relative.

Therefore, such an individual rushes from woman to woman, risking being branded as a womanizer and womanizer, but the essence of throwing is an escape from a mother, from whom it is not so easy to run away, because he sees her everywhere. Yes, thanks to his mother, such a man knows the needs of women well: he knows how to be courteous, pleasant to talk to, and look good. Mom demanded the same: do not be rude to mom, say "thank you", do not be silent, brush your hair! Women find him understanding, sincere, sometimes even generous.

Generous, however, for the time being - generosity, alas, over time turns into an extreme degree of stinginess, if it is already a matter of partnership, and therefore dependent relationships. That is, a man is ready to buy a car for a temporary partner, a mistress, but his wife will have to report on everything, even minor expenses. Addiction and over-control are twin brothers!

Men often come up with rational excuses for this behavior.

The range of reasonable explanations is wide: from "all women are fools" (with florid variations "I have not met one that could … was … fit …", "I am a convinced bachelor") to "everyone is so beautiful that I cannot choose one" … But, in fact, both means: I have not met a woman who could replace my mother, in unity with the opposite message: God forbid me, once again to fall under the mother's influence, yes, under any influence! Even when relations develop in general in a positive way, intimophobes (both men and women) subconsciously look for those rakes on which they can and must step, looking even where everything is completely cloudless. You can't envy your partner in this situation: just at the peak of a relationship, an intimophobe can suddenly disappear, show aggression, start behaving repulsively and frighteningly. Thus, he breaks up with a partner, making himself unworthy of a relationship, justifying all maternal promises. For women, there are also plenty of reasons to avoid close relationships and acquire intimophobia as a defense: unhappy love, betrayal in previous relationships, disappointment after the first marriage, material difficulties that have arisen through the fault of men. It is much easier for a woman to find many excuses for not living in a couple.

But it is women who can get married almost automatically, prompted by social norms: a woman must be married, and how things go there, we’ll wait and see. Plus she has an advantage - she can always give birth to a child "for herself." Yes, most often the mother's behavior patterns will be absorbed by the child, but who cares at all? Still not alone! Such women’s judgments about men always speak of their experience or that of their mothers, usually negative. Such women are often afraid to dissolve in relationships, to lose their "I", to disappear as a person. And again, the key is fear that justifies the formula: if something does not suit me in this relationship, I can always look for someone more interesting, sexier, richer, better. By the way, intimophobia is not always hidden under the mask of intimophobia.

Sometimes men and women, tired of numerous questions from relatives, friends and acquaintances "why are you not married? / Not married?", Put on a mask of rejection of close relationships, but in fact they just do not yet see the utilitarian benefits of marriage for themselves. After all, there is a great variety of marriage models, contrary to Tolstoy's claims. And it is quite possible to find a person who will satisfy most of the requests on a reciprocal basis, which, in fact, explains the large number of unconventional marriages in the common sense, such as, for example, guest or same-sex marriages.

After all, it is entirely possible that the parental model proposed as a model may be so terrible and unacceptable that repeating it is more a step into the abyss than happiness. It happens that a couple just initially have different rates of rapprochement, for example, a man has already realized that he is ready to marry and live with this woman all his life, and the woman still wants to "check everything out". Or "the girl has matured," and the man wants to understand how "adequate and pleasant in everyday life she is". These are clearly cases of a different order and are quite far from intimophobia. Therefore, it is important to take into account the socio-cultural conditions of a person's growing up in order not to violate the permissible pace, not to spoil everything during the ascent period. In general, intimophobes also get married. Men choose women who are not very educated, but beautiful, with no career prospects, potential models or housewives. It is on such people that a man's confidence in his own irresistibility, wealth, and success is unshakably influenced.

Women with intimophobia are more focused on sexual satisfaction and are more likely to choose an instrument of sexual pleasure than a person, although personalities can also slip through. Over time, such a partner turns into a gigolo with a greater or lesser prospect of being eternally dependent, and as a result, becoming hysterical and unpredictable.

Probably, it is important to say here that such an individual with intimophobia needs the help of a specialist - a psychologist, psychotherapist, psychiatrist. But, as a rule, they do not seek psychological help, considering their features more advantages than disadvantages or a problem.

It happens that relatives will bring in, in a desperate hope to correct the scenario of their life. But they don't stay long. It seems to me that it is important to understand one thing: if you have a feeling that an intimophobe is on your way, and if you are not obsessed with the idea of changing the world, you better run. Do not be tempted by the desire to remake them - it will not work. Do not lead to marriage - leave first. All the efforts spent on this will be enough to build the Egyptian pyramids. Trust me.