How Does Counterdependence Arise And Can It Be Defeated?

Table of contents:

Video: How Does Counterdependence Arise And Can It Be Defeated?

Video: How Does Counterdependence Arise And Can It Be Defeated?
Video: What is COUNTERDEPENDENCY? What does COUNTERDEPENDENCY mean? COUNTERDEPENDENCY meaning 2024, March
How Does Counterdependence Arise And Can It Be Defeated?
How Does Counterdependence Arise And Can It Be Defeated?
Anonim

Real intimacy always comes with a lot of risk. This is its paradox: having close emotional ties is necessary for happiness, but no one can guarantee that one of them will not cause severe pain. Sometimes it seems that too strong a feeling can absorb the personality of a lover, and sometimes we are paralyzed by the fear of being too dependent or losing someone who has become so dear. These doubts are quite normal as long as they do not interfere with building fulfilling relationships - but in some cases they take over a person's life, forcing him to avoid strong feelings and attachments again and again.

How does counterdependence arise and can it be defeated?

Subscriber is temporarily unavailable

Many tough relationship stories are not complete without a mysterious and controversial hero (or heroine). Such people make a good impression and themselves show genuine sympathy for those who really hooked them, but when it comes to genuine emotional intimacy, yesterday's tender friend turns into a cold and alienated creature, seeking to increase distance and refusing to recognize the importance of an already established relationship. He does not want to talk on personal topics and spends a lot of free time on activities and hobbies that have nothing to do with a partner, openly flirts with someone on the side, and in the most difficult cases even avoids touching. Something clearly went wrong, but why and at what point?

Usually, the partners of such characters tend to look for the reason in themselves, but most likely, this problem began long before they met. In one of the past educational programs, we have already talked about codependency. Codependency is a violation of attachment, in which a person becomes obsessed with a partner and makes him the center of the universe. The ability to enter into close relationships with other people and at the same time remain self-sufficient, ensuring healthy social behavior in the future, is formed in early childhood - in the process of transition from psychological fusion with the mother in infancy to separation with her at the age of 2-3 years. And if during this period a child receives psychological trauma, these mechanisms can give a serious breakdown, which will manifest itself in adulthood.

It is logical to assume that if there is one extreme - codependent people who lack self-sufficiency, there is another - those who find it difficult to enter into close relationships. This type of violation is commonly referred to as counterdependency, or avoidance addiction. But it is worth remembering that attachment disorders are precisely a spectrum with different shades and degrees of manifestation of violations. You shouldn't think of codependency and counterdependence as a black-and-white dichotomy without nuance.

Angelina Chekalina, Ph. D. in Psychology, Senior Researcher, Department of Personality Psychology, Faculty of Psychology, Moscow State University

The very term “counterdependence” evokes a terrible resistance in me - as if with its help they took and balanced the other pole of “dependence”. And we got such a bipolar construct, on the one hand of which there is complete fusion and complete avoidance of intimacy - on the other, with a set of opposite behavioral manifestations. For example, Wineholds codependent behavior manifests itself in "vulnerability and vulnerability", while counterdependent behavior manifests itself in "strength and toughness." And this classification raises a lot of questions in me. Indeed, in existential psychology and psychotherapy, the strength of the spirit is precisely expressed in the ability to accept one's weakness, one's imperfection, one's capabilities and limitations.

The desire to merge (codependent relationships) and to avoid intimacy are based on the same feeling - a person feels very vulnerable, he constantly feels threatened. Only this feeling of threat is about different things. In the case of a codependent relationship, a person feels vulnerable, being alone with himself, he needs someone nearby in order to identify himself through the relationship. In fact, another person is needed in the function of a mirror, in which one can reflect and understand “I am, I am good”. Or, on the contrary, "I exist, but I am bad."

In the case of counterdependent relationships, there is a different kind of vulnerability - the fear of being rejected, rejected, the fear of getting close and getting burned. Which, quite possibly, happened more than once in different ways. It is really very scary to get close to what is threatening again. Can this be called strength and firmness? In my understanding, no. And this is also about giving up oneself.

And you can also look at the rejection of your own life in different forms from a slightly different angle. Living with the interests and needs of other people (or going to work) is sometimes an unconscious escape from drawing closer to oneself. When you begin to approach yourself, a lot of emotions appear on the surface due to past traumatic experiences that have not been experienced and repressed. There is no way to make it so that it does not hurt, both then and now. And so you want it not to hurt! And then any of these behaviors may be suitable for avoiding pain - either living in fusion or fleeing from intimacy.

What should happen in order for a person to begin to show pronounced signs of counterdependence by the time they reach their conscious age? There is no definite answer to this question, but different options are possible. The first one is too controlling parents who do not give the baby the desired independence. As a result, the child begins to associate close relationships with lack of freedom, pressure and fear of losing himself and “fixates” on defending his own independence. He continues to follow this pattern in adult relationships.

The second option is the opposite: the separation from the mother, on the contrary, happened too early, before the child was ready for it. Or he simply received less warmth and attention from one of the parents (or both). In this case, the relationship is associated with the pain of loss and possible rejection. So, it is better not to get attached to anyone or to leave the dear person first, before he himself rejects you. “As our clinical studies have shown,” write psychologists Berry and Janey Winehold in Escape From Intimacy, by far the best-known foreign work on counterdependence, “the most common cause of codependency and counterdependence is developmental trauma caused by barely a discernible disruption in the parent-child bond that implies a lack or lack of emotional disposition. If this disunity is not identified and overcome, the habit of isolation and indifference arises, which can have a serious impact on attitudes towards intimacy in adulthood."

Some psychologists also believe that the problem may be in the excessively emotional and unpredictable behavior of the parents (most often, the mother; problems associated with counterdependence, more often arise in men) - the child gets the impression that feelings and emotions always lead to dangerous chaos, therefore it is better to control them.

In addition, modern society encourages counter-dependent behavior - individuality is highly valued, young people learn to be (or at least look) self-sufficient, strong and reserved, and are often shy about showing vulnerability or admitting that they need someone. In relationships, personal comfort becomes a priority, and serial monogamy seems to many to be a more viable option than the traditional family model.

In any case, nothing human is alien to avoidance addicts - deep in their hearts, they, too, are afraid of loneliness. But they realize this fear much worse than their fear of intimacy. And even more so, they do not understand its reasons, growing out of childhood, - after all, children always believe that their parents act from the best intentions and are inclined to justify or displace negative experiences from memory.

Running in a circle

Since people with counter-addiction find it difficult to self-actualize in close relationships, they with a vengeance invest energy in other areas of life (career or hobbies) and strive to make a good impression on others. It's hard to spot the catch - in the early stages of a relationship, the avoidance addict is really fascinated by his partner and tries very hard to please him. The problem arises later when the person with attachment disorders is found to be equally sincere in wanting to spend time together, looking at the stars and talking about everything, and in the desire to escape or push the companion afterwards when things go too far.

"Too far" is a relative concept, and it is impossible to tie some formal line to it like a third date, meeting parents or sharing a place to live. “Too far” for one may be where for another real closeness has not yet begun. Someone may even get married, but even there maintain a certain emotional distance, and someone starts an anxiety attack already in the second week of the relationship. The only criterion - and it is very subjective - at a certain stage, the counterdependent person ceases to feel safe. This may be due to some real pressure from the partner - for example, the requirement to finally determine the status of the relationship. But not necessarily: in order to one day wake up in a cold sweat, some need only feel a little less self-sufficient than before. Too ardent look, too sincere conversation, too sorry to part after a weekend spent together - and now you are already trapped with one foot in feelings, which, as the subconscious mind tells you, will bring nothing but suffering. Therefore, it is better to assert your boundaries by pushing the satellite away right now, before everything leads to disaster. Consciously, this whole logical chain, most often, is not tracked - a person feels inexplicable discomfort (violation of personal integrity, loss of himself, lack of freedom, a feeling that someone is absorbing his energy) and tries to rationalize it somehow, without getting to the bottom of the true essence of things …

For a partner, this is all the more painful, the less he was intrusive in reality - few people want to feel like an annoying admirer. A person inclined to reflection will begin to doubt at this moment: “Have I made some mistake? Was I really too persistent? Then everything depends on the willingness to fight for the obstinate object of feelings. Codependents are more likely to be drawn into such relationships because periodic rejection by their partner does not stop them - it responds to their own unconscious fear of intimacy. As a result, the relationship turns into a cyclical process: feeling a threat, the counterdependent pushes the partner away, but, having run off to a safe distance, begins to miss him again. It's hard for a partner, but, again believing in his need, he returns - with the hope that he will no longer be pushed away.

But at the same time, it is wrong to believe that codependent and counterdependent people are certainly doomed to be together as a pair of opposites. There are cases when one and the same person in different relationships shows the features of either codependency or counterdependence. Sometimes two people with a penchant for codependency enter into a relationship and one begins to suppress the other so much that he begins to learn to defend his personal space. Or a couple of independent and self-sufficient can form a lasting union, not burdened by excessive emotional closeness. In general, there are no universal scenarios and rigidly fixed constructions - although the famous psychiatrist, founder of modern addictology Caesar Korolenko, noted in his works that love addicts and avoidance addicts are most often attracted to each other, regarding other people as "uninteresting."

The distance required for a person with counterdependence can be built in different ways. As a rule, he does not really like to talk about feelings - suddenly showing tenderness, he either closes in himself again, or rushes to reduce the degree of sentimentality with some sarcastic remark. In addition, he tries not to reveal himself too much in communication on other topics. He deliberately limits the time spent with a significant person, and seeks to fill his life with various activities and hobbies, which, if something happens, can distract him from too strong an attachment. Such people can cheat on a partner that suits them well only in order to maintain "inner freedom" and feel the opportunity to choose.

It is important to understand here that unlike other “problem lovers” - for example, perverse narcissists - a person with counterdependency is not going to play coldly with someone's feelings in order to amuse his self-esteem. Although he (like any normal person) is pleased to feel needed and loved, the constant pendulum "closer and further" for him is a forced attempt to sit on two chairs: not to lose someone who has already become dear, and at the same time not to get into a frightening meat grinder uncontrollable feelings. But with some work on oneself (not without the help of a psychotherapist) and support from loved ones, the avoidance addict has a chance to correct the situation.

Possible solutions

While a serious problem, counterdependence is not an officially recognized mental disorder. The psychotherapist can assume the presence of this problem in the patient, based on his own testimony or the testimony of his relatives. Here are the main signs of disorder, compiled by psychologists Berry and Janey Winehold:

• difficulties in getting closer to people and maintaining closeness in intimate relationships

• the tendency after a breakup to consider ex-partners as bad or vicious

• difficulties in experiencing feelings (other than anger and frustration)

• fear of being controlled by other people

• the habit of saying no to new ideas proposed by others

• counteracting attempts at intimacy and feelings of anxiety in close relationships

• constant fear of making a mistake, desire to be perfect and demanding the same from others

• refusing help, even if you really need it

• fear that other people will turn away from you if you show your weaknesses and fears

• workaholism or heavy workload with hobbies, recreational activities or other activities.

What if you find counterdependent traits in your partner and it seems to you that this negatively affects the relationship? First, don't rely too heavily on self-diagnosis - it's best to consult with your family therapist before labeling yourself. Second, it's worth telling yourself honestly what you want out of the relationship. And if the current state of affairs does not suit you, you should not put up with it. A common advice on the Web is to try to keep the “elusive” one by giving the impression that you are not claiming anything and that you yourself do not belong entirely to it. Emphasize your boundaries in every possible way, restrain sentimental impulses and live your busy life, limiting the number of meetings and manifestations of affection. Formally, these techniques are likely to work - the counterdependent has fewer reasons to run away from such a partner. But it's worth thinking about how long you can withstand such a game and what is the general point of a relationship if you keep it that way.

Even if you believe that the person is “yours” and everything can work out, both should participate in saving the relationship - the partner should begin to realize the problem and agree to work on it. In this case, joint sessions with a psychotherapist can give a good result. If your partner refuses to admit that something is wrong with him, your sole efforts are unlikely to lead to a happy ending.

For those who have come across a counterdependent partner not for the first time, or in general you meet such characters with enviable regularity, it makes sense to go to a psychotherapist and figure out with yourself - why do you like such people?

Angelina Chekalina, Ph. D. in Psychology, Senior Researcher, Department of Personality Psychology, Faculty of Psychology, Moscow State University

If we proceed from the fact that counterdependence is the impossibility for various reasons to be in close relationships, then such a relationship will end. And sooner rather than later. If the question is about what I can do for someone else, the answer is nothing. Whatever you do, it will still be wrong and wrong. If the question is about what I can do for myself, first you should ask yourself an unpleasant, but very honest question: "What keeps me close to a person with whom I am not satisfied with the relationship?" And look for an answer. And it is not so important what the problem of the person with whom you are in a relationship - whether he is a narcissist, does not know how to be close, an alcoholic … Here in the first place should be your feelings and your conscious decision to continue or not to continue this relationship.

theoryandpractice.ru/posts/10138-codependency

Recommended: