The Field Of Intimacy Is The Third Subject In A Couple's Relationship

2024 Author: Harry Day | [email protected]. Last modified: 2023-12-17 15:43

I'm standing at a traffic light. Transparent snakes of rain flow down the windshield. The coals of the front car's brake lights are burning through the raindrops. My companion is sitting next to me. I hear her quiet, calm breathing. I take a small brush in my hand. I feel warm fingers.

Relationships are the field in which a person satisfies his needs. Or does not satisfy, if he has blocks and difficulties in this. There are different relationships: economic, political, working, personal. In personal relationships, people follow many things. Intimacy (primarily emotional) - according to my feelings, the sweetest thing that can be in a personal relationship.

The Field of Intimacy is the third that results from the relationship of the two. The third subject, with its own uniqueness. Yes, yes, you probably noticed that different people have a different atmosphere of their relationship. Here are two spouses - they swear, are unhappy with each other, irritated and offended, feel humiliation and shame. Here are the others - gentle and kind to each other, they may not do anything at all, but you feel right away - they love here.

When going into a relationship, it is important for oneself to answer the question: for what / for what / why am I going into them? It's like a contract, which is important to grasp as early as possible. The answers may actually be different, so do not rush and accept the first, familiar, traditional one. The motives for going into personal relationships are complex, multifaceted, often disguised behind a seemingly pleasant cover.

Options such as “I want to be needed by someone (oh)”, “I want someone to take care of and support me” and “I don’t want to be lonely” are an explicit request not for a partner, but for a parent. That is, a person needs to “satisfy” the needs that were not satisfied with the parents. Accordingly, going into a relationship with this, a person runs the risk of falling into dependence and creating destructive infantile relationships. Better to go to therapy with this, it will be cheaper.

Someone will ask: what does it mean that I cannot hope for the support and care of another person? Hope, demand, extort - no: he (she) is not your mom / dad. To ask - yes. If you find it difficult to ask and it seems that “they will not give it,” then it seems that this is an indicator of an old childhood emotional wound: a story about parents who did not give what you really needed.

There is an adult next to you - you can simply ask for him. He may or may not give, but in any case he will listen, support, try to find a solution that suits both.

And if he doesn't know how to give support? It looks like he also has room to grow up. And if he is open to dialogue, he can grow up with you. And if not? You are not a psychotherapist for him. As sad as it may be, it looks like it's time for you to move on. I do not recommend suffering in an emotionally toxic relationship to anyone. Either you heal your relationship together, or you free each other from this yoke.

To ask for something, to open up your desires calmly, without shame and without feeling guilty - this in itself is a very valuable ability, it is already very "grown-up". But for this, or before that, it is important to form a safe space to satisfy your desires. Space of Proximity-Trust. You can communicate that you are ashamed / embarrassed / scared. You can ask not to solve the problem right away, but at least to begin with, just listen and accept it in the field of your relationship, although it is still completely unclear what to do about it. Let it be. And you will be surprised. Often, the field itself begins to deal with the problem, to help satisfy desires. Sometimes, indeed, one can only designate a desire and not interfere and not interfere with it being realized. Just watch.

To do this, it is important to regain your flair … Clearly feel, see / feel with what kind of person you are now living your life. Of course, you will never realize this right away, but it is important at the very beginning to listen to what field, what space you are forming together. What's going on in this field? What does it look like?

There are places where there is a lot of poison, tobacco smoke, fumes and anger. Others smell like expensive perfume, leather upholstery, money and complacency. Third: coffee, chips, chocolates and kindness. And all of the above can be mixed in completely unpredictable proportions - the main thing is for you to feel that this is “your” space, both of you and both of you are warm in it and there is room to move.

The main indicator of a healthy relationship is a sense of joy and pleasure, expressions of mutual concern, acceptance and respect. If it is, the relationship has a future. If not, this is a reason for dialogue. A reason to share with each other, but not demands / claims / grievances, but feelings, sensations, doubts. But again, I repeat, it’s not easy to create such a dialogue. Be patient, careful, careful with each other. Open, honest conversation is a high voltage space where the slightest spark can cause a devastating fire.

I am reading the previous lines … How difficult it is to tell completely what you want to tell. And impossible. I can't, because a relationship has a huge number of nuances, shades, and peculiarities. I invite you to enter your emotional space so that you can both feel and understand the relationship in the process and as a process.

That is, I mean that often people, after reading a psychological article, add a couple more boxes of introjects-instructions-rules to their warehouse of information. But this is dangerous, as it destroys the intuitive, fresh and lively process of building human relationships. Intimacy dies if we try to subordinate it to the rules we read and learned (from the mother or her projection).

Through the prism of rules and laws, life can really be made predictable. This will save you from anxiety, from fear, but boredom may follow. Boredom in a relationship is a loss of touch with reality. As soon as you feel it, let the red light come on, and the inscription flashes on the inner screen: “Look closely at the person next to you! It seems to you that you know him, but this is an illusion! Feel it again! Look into his eyes, smell the skin. Take him in an armful and lead him to the forest, theater, circus, courtyard, to the banks of the river / sea / desert ….

You urgently need to restore your field of intimacy. You urgently need to remember that the person next to you is a creature from another planet. This is a person who lives in another world … How strange, how paradoxical that this can become an impulse for curiosity, and can turn into an insurmountable chasm in a relationship.

Relationship crises are inevitable. They are inevitable because it is through crises that relationships grow and people grow up and develop in them. Through a crisis, relationships grow stronger or break down, deplete and exhaust themselves. And the field of Proximity determines the connection and the fullness of the relationship. There is no Proximity - there is no connection, but there is emptiness. And then the relationship does not survive the crisis.

It is always a little (and sometimes very "a lot") sad when some relationship is exhausted and ends. Pictures of how it all began float before the inner gaze. A thin needle of sadness pierces the heart and reminds a person that everything is perishable, everything moves and everything is finite. And this reminder can allow you to see more clearly the importance of what is happening now. The relationship in which you are now - do you value what you have? Do you remember that they too can be vulnerable and in need of care?

The green traffic light came on. I gently move forward, feeling the rustling under the wheels of smooth asphalt. Rules are important on the road. Naturally, they also exist in relationships. But even more important is the knowledge of the rules, the ability to be attentive to what is happening here and now. A flair thanks to which you recognize in time what is happening in the field of relationships. Openness and sincerity through which you can post your thoughts and feelings. Dialogue is like a bridge in the middle of which two meet.